Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Rendered Speechless

At a recent wedding, I was cornered. 

She launched into the charms of her perfect guy for me; his qualities, his sunny nature, his love for puppies. There was one glitch: He is 24. I am 25. 

"It's okay," I said. "I would perfectly understand if he finds that problematic."

"I just wouldn't tell him," she replied. 

Problem: I will brook no lying on my dating behalf when it comes to basic facts; it serves no purpose. I will not magically happen upon the invention from "Honey I Shrunk the Kids," nor will I stumble upon the Fountain of Youth. I do not want the first step of one of the most important relationships of my life to start on the wrong foot through willful falsehood on my part.

It is not pleasant to be on a date when the other party has been misinformed as to my height. They spend the evening fingering their steak knife, suddenly asking at odd times, "So how tall are you, exactly?" Obviously too tall for you.

"Please," I requested, "do not lie"

"I wouldn't lie!"

"Or omit"

"That's not how I would do it!"

"So how would you go about it, exactly?" 

"I would tell him that he has to call you first before I tell him your age."

"Wouldn't he see that as a red flag?"

A frightening gleam entered her eye, something like the religious zeal of Joan d'Arc.
"With every passing year, thousands upon thousands of single women and men mentally unravel as they stay unmarried. I will do what I have to do."

You're the one trying to outsmart God, and I'm the crazy one? 

I continued to protest. 

"I believe that the Eibishter is running things, so there is no need for underhanded means." 

"Why are you so rigid?" she snapped. 

Because I don't want a date to kill me. 

I also have something called a conscience.
I spent a restless night, tossing back and forth visualizing a furious black hatter brandishing a machete. 

It was all for naught, however. She called back the next day that he got married before Pesach.


Mikewind Dale (Michael Makovi) said...

Good for you. I remember one day, in Gemara class, our rabbi told us, with a huge smirk and an evil glint in his eye, "If anyone of you ever put me down as a reference for shiddukhim, believe you me, I'll tell the shadkhan everything. I won't hide even the most unsavory details." Sigh...I love that rascal.

In any case, what difference does it make if you're older than him, or if you're taller? Is that really significant? Meh, to each his own, I suppose...

Mikewind Dale (Michael Makovi) said...

Oh, and brilliant artwork as accompaniment. Tee hee hee :D

Mikewind Dale (Michael Makovi) said...

(I think my standards for shiddukhim are something like, between 3 and 7 feet tall and between age of majority and menopause. If she's outside those parameters, then I'd have to seriously consider it, but otherwise, I think I'm pretty much fine without question.)

Princess Lea said...

And that she's an intellectual nerd-lover :)

Mikewind Dale (Michael Makovi) said...

Ja, that too, indubitably. :)

That reminds me, I've actually discovered that I very much enjoy Swedish pop music, but I don't expect her to share that interest. :P (Abba's "Waterloo" is a good example of Swedish pop, and Abba even made a Swedish-language version of that song: here.)

Princess Lea said...

Who doesn't like Abba?

lawschooldrunk said...

How about the Flower Kings? That's another swedish band but they're progressive rock.

Sefardi Gal said...

LOL! Hilarious post! (Steak knife reference and all)

Lying is so not cool. It seems like some shadchanim have the attitude of "it's not considered lying. We're just with-holding the truth because the guys don't know any better."

Mikewind Dale (Michael Makovi) said...

Shankhaniyot: here.

Princess Lea said...

Now don't get me wrong. I think sometimes shadchanim have to exaggerate or embellish someone's qualities - that's what they are there for.

If a shadchan gets information wrong by mistake, then that is also something else. If they misstate my age or height unintentionally without my knowledge, I suppose I wouldn't be able to object.

But if a shadchan is telling me to my face "No worries, I'll just lie," then I am disturbed. Hard facts should not be meddled with. At least don't tell me you are going to do that. Don't make me into some desperate female who goes around giving false information in her franticness to get a date.

Mark said...

If you meet a shadchan that informs you that they are willing lie about you, I suggest NEVER talking to that shadchan again.

Because if they're willing to lie about you to others, they're also willing to lie to you about the people they are describing as shidduchim for you.

Princess Lea said...

Most definitely.

Devorah Maven said...

PL I LOVE your blog!!!! I am the mum of a tall teen 5 7 1/2 at 15 and she saw me reading your other post where most guys are "pigmy's" OMG that line semt soda flying out of our nose ,we laughed so are awesome!

Princess Lea said...

Seriously, you have given me the highest compliment possible. I live to make people snort their soda! Thanks!

Yocheved said...

There is no "shidduch crisis", there is an EMUNAH crisis!

Good for you, by the merit of your honesty you will find your bashert. :-)