Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Earner Seeks Looker

Bad4 linked an article by Katie Bolick (she gets around, I've linked her before) and, of course, the bits about height sprang out at me:
The same goes for couples where the woman is taller. Dalton Conley, the dean for the social sciences at New York University, recently analyzed data from the Panel Study of Income Dynamics and found a 40 percent increase, between 1986 and 2003, in men who are shorter than their wives. (Most research confirms casual observation: when it comes to judging a prospective mate on the basis of looks, women are the more lenient gender.
I don't think I would have a problem if a guy was shorter than me, but despite the percentages, I have yet to find one that shares that sentiment, to the point that I say no to shorter guys to ensure that the shadchan won't shrink me on paper to guarantee a painful date.

I don't go for looks - not that I don't appreciate looks, just I don't have to marry them. But I know of many a female who wants a handsome dude, and will put up with a lot to get one. 

Men tend to focus on the ladies' looks, which has been proven in studies; the photo request frenzy backs that up. Whereas women (eschewing the learner-seekers) desire a comfortable breadwinner.
As Maureen Dowd memorably put it in her 2005 book, Are Men Necessary?, “Females are still programmed to look for older men with resources, while males are still programmed to look for younger women with adoring gazes.”
What has gotten me annoyed is how women are yelled at for seeking men making reasonably good livings, but men are not reprimanded for desiring a pretty mate. A psychologist I know will confirm that there is nothing wrong with either. Whereas he is pushing 85, and his perspective is rather 1970, it is apparently a current issue. 

If a guy is asking for my photo, I can ask what he intends to do for a living. 


Primum Non Nocere said...

Seems perfectly fair to me.

%Shocked% said...

Even if he doesn't ask for your picture, that isn't one of the questions you ask before you say yes to a guy?

I'm really surprised that anyone has ever criticized you for wanting to know how the guy plans on supporting you.

Princess Lea said...

People do! There was even an article in my local paper by Chananya Weissman, criticizing the current shidduch scene, and while he had nothing to say about men, he said women shouldn't care what a man does. He didn't say men shouldn't be so hung up about looks, oddly enough. Apparently, men need no reality check.

%Shocked% said...

Gosh... I'd love to see that article. Is it anywhere online?

As an aside, from the little I've heard about Rabbi Weissman is a rather controversial person with regards to his views. I haven't read enough of his works to give a complete opinion on what I think of him, but he doesn't sound like the norm. In fact, he paints the American Roshei Yeshiva as being "perverse" in some of the things they've said.

Anyway, I think both men and women are at fault to some extent. Who is more at fault? I'll have to write a list of what I've seen/heard before I can even attempt to consider that question.

Princess Lea said...

I couldn't find the link, but I remember being so fumed I wanted to send a letter to the editor, except I have read some of his responses to those who don't agree with him and I didn't want to put myself in harm's way.

I don't think of men and women at large being "at fault"; I think of every person as an individual with individual choices.

In the end, if someone isn't married right now, maybe they aren't supposed to be married yet. That's it.

%Shocked% said...

Still can't find it? 0:-) I'm so curious to read it!

True, but there are certain mistakes in which men as a whole are prone to make. The same stands true for women.

Amen to that.