Friends No More

It's a common complaint, one that I read about in Jewish papers or on the blogosphere. 

A friend marries, and "poof"—she disappears.  

Those that are casually sloughed off are angry, after years of a presumably close relationship, complete with killing oneself over wedding shtick and showers.

There is an explanation, beyond simply marriage. 

When one marries and has children (although the age the NY Times attributes this to is the 30s, not the frummie 20s), one is busy with a family. And due to that occupation: 

People approaching 30 — many of them dealing with life changes like marriage and a first child — often tend to feel overwhelmed with responsibility, so they lose patience with less meaningful friends, said Dr. Carol Landau, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Brown University’s medical school. 

It is not that they have dropped all their friends. They drop the ones they don't really feel that close too. 

When I see photos from people's vorts online, I'm thinking: "Really? She has fifteen best friends? I don't think so." 

The article was talking about how to de-friend properly—and I don't mean on Facebook. 

When I was young, there were times I made friendships which I decided I need to extricate myself from. The girl would not be a good influence, for instance, or she used me as an inferior, rather than an equal. 

My path of choice is usually the one of least resistance. I would have various family members answer the door on Shabbos afternoon, claiming I was taking a nap while I ducked behind the couch. 

Very cowardly, I know. And it did lead to supremely painful situations of meeting the other again, while they either glared or looked dolefully at me. Crud. 

Indeed, honesty may not be the best policy, Dr. Landau of Brown said: “Remember that white lies are O.K. in the service of not hurting feelings.”  

It would have been nice if I had this article back then. It suggests that instead of doing it a la the Seinfeld band-aid ("One motion! Right off!") it recommends a gradual easing out. 

The first step before you end a friendship is to consider, very carefully and seriously, if you want to end a particular friendship or if you just want to wind it down,” said Jan Yager, a friendship coach . . . “It will usually be a lot more pleasant to just pull away, and stop sharing as much privileged information.”

The passive approach can work, sort of. Marni Zarr . . . employed it when she decided that a friend she had picked up in parents’ circles was starting to drag her down with her neediness and constant competitiveness. Ms. Zarr gave less of herself in conversations, stopped talking about her feelings, became vaguer about future aspirations.

“I took the route of distancing myself: not immediately answering texts,” she recalled. “I answered the important things, but not the ‘Hey, how are you doing, what’s up tonight?’ ones.”. . . “She went to friends of ours and asked: ‘Do you know what’s going on? Is Marni upset with me?’ ” Ms. Zarr recalled. “The friends just said, ‘Oh no, she’s just really busy.’ I was. Anyone can be busy. But when you really want to have people around, you make time for them, even if it’s a few minutes.”

For the single friends feeling the sting of married rejection: perhaps it is time to reexamine that relationship. While you did do a lot for the "friend," was it asked of you (like shtick and showers)? Was it reasonable? Was it truly a close relationship? Maybe she never was a friend. 

Because if she was, you would not be the hot potato.