"But you have to do your hishtadlus," they all say.
That phrase has always set my teeth on edge, and now I have finally figured out why.
Hishtadlus currently translates into chasing after self-proclaimed shadchanim of questionable sanity and non-existent success rate. It means dragging oneself to countless singles' events, despite the fact that one just bumps into the same five guys. It can mean everything up to standing on a street corner handing out your information.
But if one considers it, is hishtadlus really the word one should go for when it comes to marriage? Is it only about exposure, luck of the draw, that I expand the amount of people that know my face, then there is a better chance of finding "the one"?
I rarely hear much about hishtadlus outside of the dating world. It is rarely invoked nowadays when it comes to earning a living ("He'll start law school after he gets married"), or preserving one's health ("My grandfather smoked two packs a day and passed away at ninety. Pass the french fries, please"). It doesn't even apply to get out of bed on time ("I'm running late").
I have drawn a line.
My siblings, my parents, my grandparents, were not set up by Yenta the Matchmaker. It was by family or friends or vague acquaintances. I will not put my faith in a complete stranger who asks me impertinent questions and makes unreasonable demands, nor attend a function where I feel like a piece of meat, or wave down strangers and introduce myself to them.
The only textual hishtadlus Ta has found is that a father must provide his daughter with flattering cosmetics and garments when she reaches marriageable age. (Thanks Ta, for your credit card.)
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| Until they bring back the Tu B'Av festivities. |
If you want to tackle a "shadchan," gisenteheit, just don't call it hishtadlus. Because hishtadlus is needed for other things first, like bringing Moshiach. Where's the hishtadlus there?
You cannot dismiss all shadchanim like that. I know pleanty of people, including my parents, who got married that way. That being said, in my house we use the term hishtadlus for school and getting a job too.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, I think histadlus does apply in a lot of places even if you don't think of it like that. You're looking for a job? Your hishtadlus is to send your resume out and network. You have an illness, your hishtadlus is to take medicine/go to the doctor, etc. You need money to pay your bills, you get a job (even if the only thing you can find is waiting tables). A couple is having infertility issues; they see a specialist/get treatments.
ReplyDeleteWith many of these things that we call "hishtadlus," the correlation between the physical action and the yeshua seems more linear so we don't necessarily think of it as hishtadlus, but something that directly results in the outcome. However, it's just as much hishtadlus as it is to meet a shadchan when looking for your zivug.
The concept is about putting in physical effort even if the yeshua won't come from that specific action.
Finding the right person is like falling asleep. The more you concentrate on achieving it the harder it gets.
ReplyDeleteFG: Kindly reread my qualifications for a shadchan. I am not belittling them all.
ReplyDeleteSPDR: Did your parents have a "shadchan"-shadchan? Did your grandparents? The fact is, the majority of marriages were not and are not concocted by a bored woman who thinks setting up people is a hobby.
I think that we have to rethink what hishtadlus really means in the field of dating.
Take MGI's philosophy. If marriages are brought about by God, and God alone, believing it will come about only through our own efforts would take Hashem out of the equation completely.
We invoke Hashem's help for many, many things, but not so much for dating. We should be invoking him more, and talking less about what singles "have to" do.
Answer to your questions, yes and yes. And I can't believe you're calling a shadchanit a "bored woman with a hobby." That's harsh, girl! Do you know how much work and sacrifice it takes to put couples together? But either way, if you don't believe that your shidduch will come about through a shadchan then do some other hishtadlus. Ya, marriages are brought through G-d, but that was my point, parnossa, children, health, etc. are too. Hishtadlus vs. bitachon seesaw. No one nowadays has the level of bitachon that they don't need to do hishtadlus.
ReplyDeletePL-LUV this post! Couldn't have said it better myself. ROCK ON
ReplyDeleteSPDR: Sister (you are a girl, right?), I know very well how much work it is to make a shidduch, and what sort of devotion it takes.
ReplyDeleteI clarified in my post that not all shadchanim are created equal. And plenty of them take advantage of singles' desperation, teasing them with ideas that don't come to fruition as they bask in the glory of being pursued.
Kindly re-read my post. Yes, there is other hishtadlus, which I do practice (my father seems to think hishtadlus is high heels). I have been to many shadchanim, and one thing is for sure: Quite a number of them do not have the qualities needed to be a shadchan, and their engergies would be better applied elsewhere.
SOTS: Tu B'Av party, baby!
SPDR: Sister (you are a girl, right?), I know very well how much work it is to make a shidduch, and what sort of devotion it takes.
ReplyDeleteI clarified in my post that not all shadchanim are created equal. And plenty of them take advantage of singles' desperation, teasing them with ideas that don't come to fruition as they bask in the glory of being pursued.
Kindly re-read my post. Yes, there is other hishtadlus, which I do practice (my father seems to think hishtadlus is high heels). I have been to many shadchanim, and one thing is for sure: Quite a number of them do not have the qualities needed to be a shadchan, and their engergies would be better applied elsewhere.
SOTS: Tu B'Av party, baby!
I definitely hear where you're coming from, and I didn't mean to invalidate you. I know how frustrating it can be to deal with shadchanim. The point I was just trying to make though, was that sometimes we have to do something (hishtadlus) so that the yeshua can come from another venue.
ReplyDeleteI'm preaching hishtadlus here. In all areas of life.
ReplyDelete