The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a slim, non-threatening book that made me go "Ooooooh."
Personally, I've never associated gifts with love. Someone else goes out, decides what I like, then spends money on something expensive I'm obligated to adore? What a waste of their time, money, and my acting skills! It doesn't make sense!
I've translated love as when someone else does something for me that makes my life easier. Taking out the garbage. Folding the laundry. Letting me play my favorite song when the other can't stand it. That's what I do in turn as well. Chapman would call that language "Acts of Service."
Physical affection, too. I'm big on cuddling the kinfauna and arm-stroking adults.
There can be tensions in a relationship—in marriage or parenthood—when expressions of love miss each other. He's vacuuming the house in love, she's weeping that he doesn't talk to her ("Quality Time"). She's murmuring sweet nothings to her son, but he doesn't feel loved without hugs and kisses.
This explains so much to me. I couldn't understand how gift giving was an expression of love. I couldn't understand how a child could feel unloved when I knew, fo sho, that that kid was. They speak in different tongues, and that means—yaaaaay, more work—that we have to figure out how to communicate across the language barrier.
So if one shows love with making dinner, that may not be enough for the receiver. One may have to start talking about love, even if one is really uncomfortable with "I love you."
I haven't read the book, but I'm aware of it. I like praise, but my loved ones aren't always good at it. I speak to them when I'm in crisis looking for affectionate reassurance, but they try to problem-solve, which isn't what I need.
ReplyDeletePhysical affection is complicated for me because I'm probably somewhere on the autistic spectrum and sudden, light or unwanted physical contact can be really uncomfortable, physically and emotionally, but hugs from my parents can be reassuring when I'm very depressed. It's taken me a long time to realise that my parents are much more into physical affection and acts of service and to learn how to respond in that way.