2017 was the worst year of my life. 2017 was the best year of my life.
We are taught that it was not a good thing that "Bikeish Yaakov leisheiv b'shalva." This world is not about drifting along in peaceful contentment.
Yet that was always my dream. I love routine. I don't need excitement. I am leery of change. Simultaneously, I expect doom. Ergo posts like this one, where I stress the importance of mental preparation for hardship.
But my life was pretty good. Sure, dating was frustrating, but everything else was kinda awesome.
Until the storm hit.
Ma got sick. It was sudden and swift. No known cause. No known cure.
She died.
All of my days, I have been guilty of "foreboding joy," as Brené would say. If anyone was five minutes late, my go-to was "car crash." Yet when the "crash" did happen, I was shocked.
But as I struggled in the raging waters, the Eibishter threw me a life preserver. Two weeks into my mother's illness, Han materialized on my doorstep. He fished me out and kept me going when I had to keep on keepin' on.
We're married now. What is for sure, our story is our story, no one else's.
What flummoxes Luke and I is our seemingly calm acceptance of Ma's passing. Luckily, "there is no right or wrong in grief," or else we'd feel like freaks. I handled a major breakup worse.
Perhaps all those years of listening to the family guru, of reading, seeking out shiurim, did help? That it did prepare us, on some level, for major loss? I don't know. I hope I have achieved that level of emunah and gratitude.
What we have struggled with more is how death reveals people in a whole new light. Those who are close to you may fail you. Those who you had no faith in can rise to the occasion. Hurtful words were said to my family. But perfect comforting words were spoken as well. It's disheartening and uplifting at the same time.
Another lesson I learned—and continue to learn—is this: we have no control. Obviously I had no control over Ma's death. But regarding my bashert, I did not find Han. He was sent. I had no input in his arrival. His appearance was not of my doing.
If we step back, and focus on that which we can control—our speech, our reactions, our role in relationships, how we serve Hashem—then we will shed frustration and gain contentment. We have to do what we have to do, and the Bashefer takes care of the rest, whatever it is.
Perhaps all those years of listening to the family guru, of reading, seeking out shiurim, did help? That it did prepare us, on some level, for major loss? I don't know. I hope I have achieved that level of emunah and gratitude.
What we have struggled with more is how death reveals people in a whole new light. Those who are close to you may fail you. Those who you had no faith in can rise to the occasion. Hurtful words were said to my family. But perfect comforting words were spoken as well. It's disheartening and uplifting at the same time.
Another lesson I learned—and continue to learn—is this: we have no control. Obviously I had no control over Ma's death. But regarding my bashert, I did not find Han. He was sent. I had no input in his arrival. His appearance was not of my doing.
If we step back, and focus on that which we can control—our speech, our reactions, our role in relationships, how we serve Hashem—then we will shed frustration and gain contentment. We have to do what we have to do, and the Bashefer takes care of the rest, whatever it is.
Wow...I'm sitting here just...stunned.
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry for your loss. I feel like I almost knew her...
And mazel tov! Wow... So happy for you!
How is it possible to feel two such opposite emotions at the same time?
I also don't know what to say.
ReplyDeleteHaMakom yenachem otcha betoch shar avlei Tzion veYerushalayim for your mother.
And mazal tov on your marriage! May you have only simcha and bracha in everything you desire together.
So, so sorry about your mother. She always sounded like a great person whenever she came up in your posts, full of life. I always enjoyed reading the little bits of her life philosophy that were sprinkled throughout your posts.
ReplyDeleteSo happy to hear about the happy ending to your love story! (I am also glad you continue to battle the myths and fallacies of the singles "crisis" as a former older single:))
All I want to say is <3 <3 <3 <3 a million times over. I know we've never "met" but I feel like I know you, and thank you for sharing your life with us. You are amazing and I wish you a lifetime of happiness and keep your ma alive through your posts and stories of her.
ReplyDeleteWow!!!
ReplyDeleteAmazing, amazing news!
I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, feel like I "knew" your mother a little.
Wishing you a long, beautiful, healthy life together.
Woah.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has said what I would like to say.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, like others have said, through your words I feel like I got to know her. Additionally, many of your mindsets and thoughts you have shared stemmed from ideas held by your mother - and for that I appreciate her insights.
Mazel tov! I am so happy and excited for you!
I know that your story is not my story, but I have been going through a hard time and I definaitely find your thoughts as chizzuk.
I’m hoping that this is not goodbye because you didn’t have a singles blog :)
I have been reading your blog for years. It's funny how I don't even know your name, yet I feel such a high hearing that you met your bashert and such a low hearing that you lost your mother, A"H. I'm so sorry and I'm so happy at the same time.
ReplyDeleteWishing you and your husband all the best, with lots of simcha, bracha and mazel.
I hope you keep on blogging!
-S.
Wow. To echo everyone else, I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Your mother truly sounds like a wonderful person full of humor, emunah, and verve. I hope you are able to enjoy your memories of her and have peace. It sounds like you’re taking care of yourself — please keep it up and let others take care of you as well.
ReplyDeleteAnd mazal tov on your marriage! From the little you described him, he sounds like an amazing person who appreciates you and all you have to give. Wishing you both the very best and only happiness, health and simchas together.
I would like to thank everyone for their perfect comments. It brought me to tears, and gave me and my family much comfort. Thank you.
ReplyDelete