We like to think we are above petty jealousy and envy. But we are sooooo not. At least, I'm not. If you are, move along. You'll glean nothing from this post, and you are awesome.
Once, in my single days, I was walking down a Manhattan street and I passed a frum couple. His arm was around her shoulders; they were smiling blissfully at each other.
A shot of envy surged through me, so violently painful that my head, of its own accord, jerked away. Seeing such joy, so out of reach, was like a knife in the heart.
It wasn't much different every time I heard of an engagement. If the couple was "older," then I had the graciousness to be happy for them; if younger, I was a tad despondent.
Chevi Garfinkel, bless her, addresses such reactions to others' bracha by advocating "dancing in others' rain." Rain is bracha. Marriage, she reminds us, isn't an achievement. It's not from one's efforts. It's a bracha. Ergo, if someone is so blessed, rejoicing with them, while they are showered in bracha, means you will be showered too.
We aren't all the same, Chevi reminds us. We each have our own paths, our own twists and turns, our own milestones. Someone getting married before me has nothing to do with me. That's their path. Mine is another.
Luke asked me if marriage was worth the wait. I can say, looking back, that YES. I may be a decrepit 32, but yes, it was totally worth it. My time on my track, learning, changing, progressing—if we had met when I was 20, or 25, heck, maybe even 30—it would not be the same.
I know of a woman with an older single daughter. But every time she hears of an engagement or wedding she smiles with true happiness.
Did I achieve that madreiga in my single years? Heck no. I knew, cognitively, that my envy was my enemy, but I couldn't quite let go. But I tried, and when I tried, I certainly stayed sane.
Luke asked me if marriage was worth the wait. I can say, looking back, that YES. I may be a decrepit 32, but yes, it was totally worth it. My time on my track, learning, changing, progressing—if we had met when I was 20, or 25, heck, maybe even 30—it would not be the same.
I know of a woman with an older single daughter. But every time she hears of an engagement or wedding she smiles with true happiness.
Did I achieve that madreiga in my single years? Heck no. I knew, cognitively, that my envy was my enemy, but I couldn't quite let go. But I tried, and when I tried, I certainly stayed sane.
Yes! This is what I have been trying to feel lately. Also, to tell myself that there is so much misery in the world that for anyone to have bracha and simcha is a good thing, even if I don't benefit. It's so hard, though.
ReplyDeleteWas there supposed to be a link to the shiur or was it something you heard in person?
I heard it from her a while ago, but sadly do not remember which shiur it was. Her shiurim are available on torahanytime.
ReplyDelete