"A" Feeling. "The" Feeling.

"How's married life?" she asks. I visualize her over the phone, a lovely 80-year-old.

"Very good," I reply. 

"Married life is good," she says, a smile in her voice.  

Her husband has had Alzheimer's for the last five years. But she can still say that married life is good. It must have been a great married life, that the happy memories can eclipse this sadness. 

Many years ago, a friend of Han's told him that marriages need a firm foundation. Like any other couple, he said, he and his wife have the occasional fight. Even in the height of emotion, he's able to step back, remember why he married her, and thereby diffuse the situation.

An acquaintance began chatting with Han in shul. When he learned of Han's age and that he had only wedded recently, he went on a bit of a rant. He has an "older" single brother, and he's flummoxed why he's "holding out." He was not particular about who he married; why should his brother be?

All of us have different expectations from relationships. I'm not exactly drowning in friendships because I have high standards. I wasn't willing to tolerate what my gut considered unacceptable just to get a ring on my finger.

A few months ago, I read a shidduch column response that got me really annoyed. A girl wrote in that she had been dating a nice fellow, but she didn't feel anything for him. Apparently the other side felt she was taking too long, and presented her with an ultimatum. She agreed to get engaged since she had no reason to say no. Now, she is unhappy and anxious, although enough of her friends told her they felt the same way and they are happy enough now. 

The response was to blame the current "on demand" society that expects too much. While they do agree the ultimatum was not an ideal tactic, this girl should have faith she is where she is supposed to be and it will turn out well. 

Come say what now? 

This is marriage we're talking about. A lifelong commitment, not a pair of shoes (and the chances of those turning out well are like 25%). This girl should have had the option of either dating this chap until she felt something, or decide to walk away. I felt so much for her, getting married without an iota of excitement. I'm not assuming that she won't achieve happiness with this fellow. But would it have been so terrible if she was allowed to experience it now, rather than later? 

I was discussing "the feeling" with my sister, who didn't marry either at the ideal age (younger than I had been, but in her time it was considered the end of the world). A friend's daughter was going out with a boy, a good boy, a nice boy, but she didn't feel anything, after a number of dates. Just because something isn't wrong, I noted, doesn't mean that it's right.

"She needs 'the feeling'," we agreed. Not only because "the feeling" is wonderful, but also because one day, a couple will be slammed by a curveball, and the memories of the feeling, the foundation, can help carry them through.