Love and Fear

I was reading Safy-Hallan Farah's tale of driving when this line made me laugh: 

"Like many immigrant daughters, I fear my mom more than I fear God, death or the police . . ."

I was born in the U.S., but Ma was not. And I feared her. 

Don't get me wrong: of course I loved her. 

But I feared her. I was more terrified of her than the pediatrician—I wouldn't scream in his office, because she did not condone "scenes." When we pulled up to the public high school building so I could pick up work papers, she bellowed at me to go get them on my own already (Luke was the only one who was able to resist her fury). If I (we) said one word out of line, hoooooo boy. 

Yet because of my relationship with her, I understand what it means to love and fear Hashem.

Ma was still cuddly. I would crawl into her bed when I was little (and not so little) and she would croon endearments in Hungarian. She cheerfully made our favorites for our birthdays. She was big on kisses and hugs.  

We are given parents, we are told, so we should know how to interact with our unseen Papa. We are required to both love and fear Him. So it would make sense that we should both love and fear our parents. 

Strictly loving our parents wouldn't be sufficient; after all, when love is divorced from awe, disrespect can creep in. 

Whereas only fearing one's folks leaves many a hapless adult on the shrink's couch.  

Rabbi Ephraim Stauber said that if you love something, you are afraid to jeopardize it. One doesn't disrespect someone they love, because they are afraid to damage the relationship. One guards that which they love—like my favorite pair of sneakers from my niece's questing eye—because they are afraid of it being taken away. 

I have seen many a parent make themselves into doormats for their kids, but from what I learned from my upbringing is that they aren't doing their kids any favors. Children have to learn the concept of parental respect because how else will they respect anything in life? How will they respect an unseen Hashem? 

And the parents who don't demonstrate their love, focusing on submission only, create an image of a cold, unloving Creator who spends all day sharpening His lightning bolts.  

It's all about balance.