I was born feeling guilty. Is it a European thing, this constant burden of guilt? I should have. I could have. If I did, why did I?
My newest guilt is, of all things, being married. I feel like proclaiming whenever I meet a single, "I didn't get married at 21! I was a there's-no-hope-for-her-let's-get-her-some-cats 32 on my wedding day! Don't let the sheitel fool you: I'm really just like you!"
Which is totally, completely perverse.
I wonder if, somehow, my very wedded presence grates on singles, the way some marrieds got on my nerves just by breathing. "Was it something she did? Did she go to the right shadchan? Did she act the right way? Did she do the right mitzvos and was so blessed? Or did she simply tranquilize a guy then drag him to the altar?"
I was in a shtiebel I don't usually go to for Shabbos. I'm aware of, but not friendly with, the family of daughters who sat ahead of me. They happen to all look alike, so I had difficulty figuring out potential ages and whatnot. Another sister arrived, and I was marveling at her thick, luxurious hair until her left hand appeared and made it clear she was married.
Now that I realized her status, I noticed that she carried herself differently than her single sisters. There was an air of assurance, self-confidence, belonging.
Her sisters' bearing was stiffer, less secure, more hesitant. Did I used to look like them? Do I look like her now?
I don't like to think I wafted insecurity in my decade + of singleness. That even if I didn't feel it, I fiercely acted to appear assured, self-confident, and like I belonged.
But did I? Was I fooling myself all that time? Did marriage magically grant me the aura that I had convinced myself I had attained through sheer will?
In any case, I don't want to appear confident just because I'm married. I don't want singles to think they are so different from me, because, sister, I bolted through that gauntlet on repeat. I'm one of you. I'm still one of you, even though I may not look it anymore.
Do you believe me?
Do you believe me?
It depends on the person, really.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most obnoxious, catty remarks directed towards pointing out my singleness, quite loudly, in front of a group of people was by a very recently married 30 year old "friend"-- I realize, of course, that was her way of proving her status and establishing her belonging in the group of childhood friends gathered around, and really, the only way of doing that I guess was by proclaiming it in a loud obvious way. (Was it George Eliot, or maybe Charlotte Bronte, who said there was nobody as cutting to an old maid as a married woman who married on the cusp of old-maideness? Or maybe it was Jane Austen, but whoever wrote it certainly knew what she was talking about, lol.)
Anyway, some people do change and forget, but not all. I would say a small minority retains an understanding and I would certainly include you in that category, PL. Which is very refreshing and nice to see. Somehow a lot of the points you make in your posts are given more credence by many when written/ spoken by a married person, so I thank you for that.
I don't think you should feel guilty. I'm older than you and still single. Yes, I get upset sometimes. Yes, seeing announcements of engagements (and births) is hard. But that's my problem, not yours. I don't expect everyone to go about in mourning because of me.
ReplyDeleteThe married woman you saw could just be more confident than her sisters. It happens. Or it could be that you were projecting based on the fact that you knew she was married and they weren't.
Anon: That was a legit quote? And I always thought I was imagining it, when gals who married "late" suddenly became insupportable! Ha!
ReplyDeleteThis is my current mission in life, to destigmatize the "elderly" single. Fingers crossed.
DS: True. I could have definitely been projecting. But I have seen this group of sisters at least annually and never noted the difference in body language before. Hmmm.