To Construct, Not Criticize

She was expressing frustration how her son became insulted when she corrected him. 

"He should want constructive criticism!" 

"Why should he?" I said, laughing. "No one wants criticism! Do you?"

I was reminded of this while reading Judith Newman's review for marriage self-help books. There's a line from her favorite, written by a divorced divorce attorney, James Sexton. 

He points out, for example, that what we all like to think of as constructive criticism of our mate is actually just criticism. He’s a big believer in training people through redirection and praise for even tiny changes, kind of like throwing bushels of “Whoosa Good Boy!” at your dog. And this guy is nothing if not a realist. Holding sex back as punishment is counterproductive, but suddenly becoming way more affectionate and enthusiastic when your mate does something right: That’s the way to go.

It's a very careful line. If criticism—from any source, in any relationship—isn't carefully thought out and carefully relayed, it is simply hurtful and degrading. It has been my mantra for some time now that "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be heard?" 

There's a way to relay information that it can remain palatable to the receiver. But the message cannot be accepted at once. We have to allow others to save face, and save some battles for another day.