"My friend married at 40," she was saying over the phone. "She says he was everything she could have wanted, he's her Mr. Perfect, and definitely worth the wait. But," she sighed, "she doesn't have children."
"But who's to say," I replied, "that if she married at 30, she would have had children?"
The phone went silent.
I try to think if I would have married "someone" just to have children. It sounds rather bleak. Especially as there are no guarantees that one can actually have children.
Children are a blessing, the same way marriage is a blessing. While some insist marriage is a choice, my own experiences has made me believe that it is a blessing, meaning out of one's control.
Articles that shake their heads over the "crisis" talk about "the no" as though it is the end of everything. "She said no," they gasp, "and then he got engaged to someone else!" Well, yeah, that's bound to happen at some point. I don't think she expected him to stay single forever pining over her.
But if he doesn't get engaged to someone else . . . I mean, we've all heard stories, right? Days later, weeks later, months later, years later, they marry.
OK, so what's my point? It's not in our control. Not the spouse, not the kids. I've started to hate the word "hishtadlus," a term initially meant for parnassa that was applied willy-nilly to dating, because I CAN'T CONTROL WHO SHOWS UP. Suddenly everything is hishtadlus: research is hishtadlus, singles events are hishtadlus, dating online is hishtadlus. That doesn't make sense.
The joy of being religious is the belief that I am part of a greater plan. I am part of the story, not the storyteller.
The joy of being religious is the belief that I am part of a greater plan. I am part of the story, not the storyteller.
It's all about the illusion of control.
ReplyDeleteIt makes people feel better to think, which oh it would never happen to me, or to my daughter, because I would do x or tell her to do y.
So much is out of our control, but it's scary to acknowledge that.
I too am tired of the doing your hishtadlus glib admonition. I know people who did nothing yet married easily. I know people who worked hard at it yet it took them years or they still haven't met the right one.
Exactly! A 19-year-old gets engaged, does anyone tell her, "Wow, you must have done excellent hishtadlus?" No, because everyone knows she didn't even get a chance to do any.
ReplyDeleteWe don't always get what we want. Because it's not up to us.