OK, I know I have been saying that the persecution of singles takes place all over, in all cultures, countries, and societies, but I don't think that it really hit home until I read Sara Eckel's It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single.
I mean, I thought it took place on some level, but not to the extreme as it is in the frum world. From what I've been gleaning from this book, which was recommended by an anonymous follower, the perception of something inherently wrong with singles is a view shared by, well, the entire human race.
As I read, I was surprised how practically every sensation I experienced as a single was accurately described. Her chapter on being picky was practically my post on the same topic, word-for-word.
That lead me to another epiphany: I'm expecting too much from our community.
If the entire human race finds singlehood terrifying to look at, how is it possible for the frum demographic to calm the hell down? Eckel is describing a lifestyle where people aren't particularly religious yet they expect everyone to pair up; our faith demands that men get married and make a go at populating the earth.
I can't expect the frummies to become mellow with the whole concept of "older singles." The campaign slogan, instead, should be kindness. Or tact, at the very least.
Tragedy exists in a multitude of forms. People are born with disabilities. People die young by illness or accident. People yearn to be parents, but remain childless. Those subject to those circumstances must struggle with hurtful comments as well.
The problem isn't the wrong perception of singlehood. It's the typical reaction that in our discomfort and need to control, we often say things in a desperate attempt to believe that we can prevent such circumstances, that if we do the "right thing" then we shall be thusly spared.
So, single person, you must be too picky. You must be commitment phobic. You must not be trying hard enough.
Now we can all sleep at night.
To get back on topic, Eckel's book is an excellent read for those who have been battered by well-meaning yet ego-devastating comments. I would have highlighted and posted 85% of it and reposted it, when it's much more gratifying to simply read it. She doesn't simply make a statement like "that's ridiculous"; she backs it up with other papers, other thinkers (even Brene!), other points, logically disproving the myth at hand.
Yes, there is so much that I found to be the universal truth in this book. It was very validating for me to read as a frum single, but I also think it might be a good eye opener for easily-marrieds to read, it might help them understand/relate to their friends or relatives that have been dating for years. There's such a disconnect, I find, where many people just have no concept or understanding.
ReplyDeleteI often cringe at some of what passes for "chizuk" in lectures, advice columns, or articles intended for singles. Sometimes the most cringeworthy comes from purported dating coaches, shadchanim, and "inspirational" lecturers.
Btw, forgot to add, as the anonymous book recommender lol, it made my day to see how you spent the time and effort to obtain a copy and actually read it, as well as write it up on your blog. So, thanks!
ReplyDelete(Who knows? Maybe thanks to your efforts it will make the rounds of the next trendy frum must read self help book. Stranger things have happened!!)
I'm telling you, this book made me feel so good - retroactively! I spent so much time as a single thinking I was defective, to the point I still think I'm defective! She's actually inspired me to attempt a myth-busting series, except I'll probably be repeating her book and that might be plagiarism.
ReplyDeleteOh God, the "chizzuk." It was terrible. It usually involves "You're wonderful, of course you're wonderful, but maybe you have to compromise on your expectations. A lot. Completely. You can marry some shlub and spend your life rehabilitating him because that's your only option."
I am so happy to get a book recommendation that I gleefully requested it through my library. It would be amazing if it became popular because yes, there is very much a disconnect. But I think people will read this and still think, "It's not so hard to get married because it wasn't hard for me."