Fashion, Face, Frumkeit, Fiction, Food, & anything else that takes my Fancy.
Monday, January 18, 2021
We All Carry Pain
***This post has been redacted. I was informed that the content was judgy and condescending, making me lose all credibility on this topic. Thank you.***
I never, ever once assumed that or something intimated that to my married friends. And I am far far beyond the age of 25.
However I can tell you I have been on the receiving end of many a comment assuming because I am not married, I live a carefree life with no responsibilities or worries (other than that of trying to get married) usually stated in a resentful and even jealous tone designed to put me in my place (and I guess make the complainer solidify her martyr status?).
Being told I don't have such a hard life (which was totally unsolicited and was in the course of a conversation where *I* was not the person complaining or even talking about myself much at all) being 40 years old and single was one of the most hurtful moments of my life.
Are there complaining singles around? Sure. But it's a personality thing, and I have no doubt if they were married they'd also be going around feeling sorry for themselves due to whatever issues they would be dealing with.
I am disappointed with your judgy tone in this post. You could have made your point in a less condescending way.
Hello, Anon. We appear to have gotten off on the wrong foot.
I don't know how long you have been reading my blog, but the majority of it dealt with my experiences as an "older single," and one of the things I had learned during my time as such is that people are different, and I try not to generalize. I was relating an incident that had occurred to my friend which she found upsetting. I was not attempting to tar all singles (including my former self) with the same brush.
I, too, received the same comments as you have. I have addressed them in other posts. This incident allowed me to see things from the other side, especially for my friend, who is the nicest person and really didn't deserve to be in that uncomfortable position. I attempted to reassure her with your own logic, that chances are this girl is simply a kvetch, and that she will continue to kvetch once she marries.
Whenever I would hear of someone getting engaged, my single self didn't always handle it graciously. Sure, I plastered on a smile, I relayed warm congratulations, but I did wonder why they had it so "easy" while I didn't.
I certainly went through the wringer myself so no one is looking at me thinking my life is the stuff of rainbows and sunshine. Familiarity with my friend's life helped me to see things from a new way, which is no matter what we do someone will have a comment. There will always be comments. It was my mistake for not making my thought process clear.
God, I know the comments. I'm still recovering from the comments that made me cry myself to sleep. I'm still angry about the comments. But it's becoming clear now to me that the world is populated by all sorts, the unthinking, the unfiltered, the insecure, the malicious, the frightened, and they all have comments.
The comments hurt. I took them personally, so very very personally, and I see now (with a little assistance from Esti Hamilton on torahanytime) that they weren't about me. Humankind is inherently selfish, and the comments they make are about making themselves feel better. It's small comfort, though, when you're the one under fire.
And again, I was not talking about all singles, I was talking about one single. One single. Not you.
No, I've been a reader since the beginning. A frequent commenter too. I am truly disappointed with this post and your response to me. Because one silly immature single girl couldn't see past her situation you wrote such a very dismissive and preachy post. Your ending line was especially condescending and self righteous. You could have made your point without it. If you can't see that, you have lost your credibility on this topic.
I'm an older single. I liked the post. I didn't see it as condescending but I know from experience that sometimes things come across condescending even when there was no intention of that.
I never, ever once assumed that or something intimated that to my married friends. And I am far far beyond the age of 25.
ReplyDeleteHowever I can tell you I have been on the receiving end of many a comment assuming because I am not married, I live a carefree life with no responsibilities or worries (other than that of trying to get married) usually stated in a resentful and even jealous tone designed to put me in my place (and I guess make the complainer solidify her martyr status?).
Being told I don't have such a hard life (which was totally unsolicited and was in the course of a conversation where *I* was not the person complaining or even talking about myself much at all) being 40 years old and single was one of the most hurtful moments of my life.
Are there complaining singles around? Sure. But it's a personality thing, and I have no doubt if they were married they'd also be going around feeling sorry for themselves due to whatever issues they would be dealing with.
I am disappointed with your judgy tone in this post. You could have made your point in a less condescending way.
Hello, Anon. We appear to have gotten off on the wrong foot.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how long you have been reading my blog, but the majority of it dealt with my experiences as an "older single," and one of the things I had learned during my time as such is that people are different, and I try not to generalize. I was relating an incident that had occurred to my friend which she found upsetting. I was not attempting to tar all singles (including my former self) with the same brush.
I, too, received the same comments as you have. I have addressed them in other posts. This incident allowed me to see things from the other side, especially for my friend, who is the nicest person and really didn't deserve to be in that uncomfortable position. I attempted to reassure her with your own logic, that chances are this girl is simply a kvetch, and that she will continue to kvetch once she marries.
Whenever I would hear of someone getting engaged, my single self didn't always handle it graciously. Sure, I plastered on a smile, I relayed warm congratulations, but I did wonder why they had it so "easy" while I didn't.
I certainly went through the wringer myself so no one is looking at me thinking my life is the stuff of rainbows and sunshine. Familiarity with my friend's life helped me to see things from a new way, which is no matter what we do someone will have a comment. There will always be comments. It was my mistake for not making my thought process clear.
God, I know the comments. I'm still recovering from the comments that made me cry myself to sleep. I'm still angry about the comments. But it's becoming clear now to me that the world is populated by all sorts, the unthinking, the unfiltered, the insecure, the malicious, the frightened, and they all have comments.
The comments hurt. I took them personally, so very very personally, and I see now (with a little assistance from Esti Hamilton on torahanytime) that they weren't about me. Humankind is inherently selfish, and the comments they make are about making themselves feel better. It's small comfort, though, when you're the one under fire.
And again, I was not talking about all singles, I was talking about one single. One single. Not you.
No, I've been a reader since the beginning. A frequent commenter too.
ReplyDeleteI am truly disappointed with this post and your response to me. Because one silly immature single girl couldn't see past her situation you wrote such a very dismissive and preachy post. Your ending line was especially condescending and self righteous. You could have made your point without it.
If you can't see that, you have lost your credibility on this topic.
I have removed the post. I thank you for your many years of readership.
ReplyDeleteI'm an older single. I liked the post. I didn't see it as condescending but I know from experience that sometimes things come across condescending even when there was no intention of that.
ReplyDeleteThank you, roses. It wasn't my intent to be condescending.
ReplyDelete