More Than Happiness

Happiness. The founding fathers made a point to mention it, although I think their version of "happiness" doesn't align with the modern translation. 

Parents say, "I just want my child to be happy." Do they, though? If their child was happy to live in a yurt and off the grid, would that be what they wanted? 

Sally Hepworth's The Mother-In-Law was an interesting read, flipping between the mother-in-law's and daughter-in-law's viewpoints. I like books that tell two sides of a story. It's not about wrong vs. right; different people see things differently, operate differently, have different needs, and this can cause clashes in perspective. 

The mother-in-law, Diane, is a woman of principle. She runs a charity for pregnant refugee women. She believes that the good things in life are earned, not given. 

If you ask me, everyone is a little too interested in their children's happiness. Ask anyone what they wish for their kids and they'll all say they want them to be happy. Happy! Not empathetic contributing members of society. Not humble, wise and tolerant. Not strong in the face of adversity or grateful in the face of misfortune. I, on the other hand, have always wanted hardship for my kids. Real, honest hardship. Challenge big enough to make them empathetic and wise. Take the pregnant refugee girls I deal with every day. They've been through unimaginable hardships, and here they are, working hard, contributing and grateful. 

What more could you want for your kids?

I agree with Diane that happiness isn't the goal, especially, in my opinion, that empathetic, humble, wise, tolerant, strong, and grateful people are happy because they have cultivated these traits. 

What I don't necessarily agree with is that hardship will guarantee those results. 

Yes, there are some people who emerge bigger and better from hardship. But others are crushed beneath challenge. They become bitter, or timid, or focus on victimhood. 

Happiness comes in many forms. But it often begins in gratitude. If someone finds their life partner, and they are happy, it is because of gratitude. If someone can support their family comfortably, and they are happy, it is because of gratitude. If we are joyful on our yomim tovim, it is because of gratitude that we are Jews.

Then, I wonder. Is someone who found their bashert later in life happier than the one who married at 21? Meaning, did hardship (dating for eons) create a greater level of happiness from gratitude? 

I think it depends on the person. We all respond differently to hardship. Not all materials can withstand stress. 

Diane wants her children to have hardship. But did she prepare them for it?  Do they have the qualities that will guarantee survival?