While once upon a time I used to rail against the evils of smartphones (not in a frum capacity, but rather as constant distractions and time wasters), I've turned to the dark side. I just need something to keep me awake when I'm feeding a baby at 1a.m.
I like mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and Instagram for this. It's the right level of non-awakening stimulation to get the job done.
I belong to a number of groups on Facebook. A recurring thing in one of them is about how difficult it is to make friends. The poster has actually tried to by joining chessed activities and such, but nothing's happening.
I'm also in that situation. Well, I currently do have one friend, who was also on a search for a friend herself. Fortuitously, we bumped into each other, made a point to put out some chatty feelers, and it worked. We meet up usually once a week. That was after weeks, nay, months, more like years, of failed connection attempts.
But I'm concerned about the fragility of the relationship only in terms of possible relocation. She's trying to find a house for her growing family, and is looking out of state. Once she leaves, we'll both be back at square one unless she moves near someone she knows.
I try to be open, make small talk in the park (although it's usually babysitters, not mothers), and while they smile politely, maybe chat back, it usually stalls there. Twice I met lovely women in the park, and hoped to take it further, but twice I fumbled the ball. I haven't seen them there again.
Sigh.
It's hard making new friends. What people don't realize is that many people have that same challenge, when they walk past each other on the street.
It's also not enough just to meet someone new; you have to have the right chemistry. Some people may just not get your humor, for instance, or may be so consumed with her own insecurities that she cannot be present for you. In my case, I'd rather not have a friend than deal with drama.
Whenever I've tried to make a friend, it usually is a fail. Expending effort and seeing no return is demoralizing, and frankly after ten years of dating I am done with that.
So what I do now is try to be open. That is it. I smile if I can. I'll reciprocate conversation if it is offered. And if I feel as though the other party is on the same page, well, there you go.
Maybe one day, if the Lord is kind, Ben will come home with a new friend who has a great mother.
For some reason, I have found the best way to make friends is through an activity. Perhaps volunteer work at the school, shut, or even an old age home. I know during Covid that is not so feasible and not feasible if you have a really young child. My closest friends through the years have been my morning or evening walking partner, my man Jong group of friends that again we meet weekly, and the mothers of my children's playgroup or a mother's group for talking and sharing ideas. Maybe start a playgroup/mother's group.
ReplyDeleteI so feel you on this one! I actually, horror of horrors, downloaded a mommy friend-connecting app the other week. I used it for a whole 2 hours before deleting it and vowing never to subject myself to such an experience again (wasn't dating enough?!).
ReplyDeleteAnyway. I've been following your blog for years. I was a geriatric single myself, now married with a baby B"H. Too bad we don't live closer.
GF: I barely have energy for laundry, never mind activity . . . maybe when they're a little older, fingers crossed.
ReplyDeleteRebecca: Yes, dating was enough! I can't start doing it again, the primping, the wooing, the anxiety of "did I say the wrong thing? I said the wrong thing. She thinks I'm crazy."
Thank you for your loyalty! And I'm so happy for you! And yes, that is a true bummer. We sound like we would have meshed.