This article by Channah Cohen is on point.
When I was single, I didn't fit.
There was no place for me. I was a third wheel. My parents were invited out a lot for Shabbos meals, and we hosted in return, but my parents' contemporaries were in their 60s. I had a great time socializing with them—I've always gotten along better with the older cohort—but I wasn't supposed to be there, right? I was supposed to be in my newly-married apartment or starter house with two kids.
We do say that in Judaism, the center is the home. A mommy, a totty, and children. That is also how we see others, as one half of a couple.
We are not quite sure what to do with the lone individual, who has no spouse, no children, who may or may not be tagging along with her mother or father. They are not in the same place as tuition, carpools, and frozen chicken nuggets.
In my singlehood my accomplishments didn't matter, all that mattered was that I was single. Full stop. Nothing to see here.
Mind you, once you do join the realm of nighttime feedings, it's not like anyone hands you a trophy. A mob of mothers don't rush you when you go to the park. You are just another someone, but a someone that can be categorized, as opposed to an indeterminate hmmm.
But is our world any different than the world at large? Not really. Secular books and movies all have a similar theme, how being single is a shameful aberration, how a wedding invitation can strike such fear in singles' hearts that they pay an actor or escort to be their plus one.
Society, in general, likes paired couples. They like people neatly matched up. They like rugrats running around and destroying store displays. (No, wait, they don't, then everyone tells you what a bad parent you are.)
So when the single woman in the article says she'll leave the community because she doesn't have a home, does she believe a home awaits her on the other side? What is this home? Is it that erroneous assumption that since the dating pool in the secular world is larger, she'll be able to score a man—and the accompanying home—with ease? Han has the most stunning co-worker who is single, and she's trying very very hard to find a man. It's not like the gentile world boasts a better rate for marriage and happiness than ours does.
But our community has to do better. Yet when people say "things have to change"—well, easier said than done. Some behaviors are so ingrained that it's hard to undo them. To my horror, I found myself glancing at the stomach of a woman who had been married for a bit. I could have kicked myself for that automatic eye flick.
I remember the time I was in a different area for yuntif, and attended shul. I was politely ignored by the other shul goers, no matter how I smiled and tried. But the girl ahead of me, an obvious BT in training (her clothing was way to casual for yuntif and she wasn't familiar with a siddur) was mobbed following davening, meal invitations being warmly offered from all sides.
How come we can we warm and welcoming to BTs, but the FFB singles get short shrift?
So we can be welcoming. We just have to widen our scope a little.
I think the frum world has a very rigid view of how people's lives are supposed to go and deviation from that can lead to people being unnecessarily judgmental, even if the deviation is not deliberate. While people in the secular world might be single and miserable, I think the misery tends to be more from loneliness and comparison of the self with couples and less from overt judgment, although sometimes there is that too.
ReplyDelete"So when the single woman in the article says she'll leave the community because she doesn't have a home, does she believe a home awaits her on the other side? What is this home? Is it that erroneous assumption that since the dating pool in the secular world is larger, she'll be able to score a man—and the accompanying home—with ease? "
ReplyDeleteI think her statement about leaving the community for want of a home is less about finding coupledom with a man on the other side, and more about being part of a community where there is generally less hand-wringing about the state of being single. There is some still, of course, but significantly less than in the frum world.
To the point about rushing the "fresh meat" at shul (i.e. the presumed BT), that must have been difficult from your vantage point. From my vantage point as the underdressed BT (accurate!), the attention, while heady, is short-lived and conditional upon getting married as soon as possible. The longer you remain single, and the older you are from the start, the less interest is shown.
DS: Well put! Yes, that is true - the misery comes from different sources. Albeit the frum single is sad to be alone AND has a bunch of judgement rained down upon them.
ReplyDeleteRebecca: I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to compare experiences (ok, maybe I was, a little) but my point was that it wasn't that the other shul members were incapable of being nice, they could when they wanted to. Meaning our peoples can do better.
No apology necessary! Agreed.
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