It's Not About Being Ready

Segment 1: 

 ". . . I'm ready." 

"It doesn't work that way," I said. 

"No, that's exactly how it's supposed to work. It doesn't happen until you're ready, but when you get ready and you least expect it, that's when it happens." 

"You are expecting it," said Jill. 

"Oh my gosh, I am not," Katie said vehemently. "At this point, I'd be positively shocked." A lie. I knew what she meant, but dead scared something won't happen is not the same as actually believing that it isn't about to.

"Maybe you aren't really ready," said Jill. 

"Of course I'm ready. I want this so much. My body is ready. Marriage and family is the divine plan. It's what everyone around me is doing. We're almost done with classes. I want it so badly." 

"Which is not the same as being ready," Jill pointed out quietly, so quietly that Katie looked up suddenly, realizing it wasn't an idle musing. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean maybe you aren't ready. . .You don't get things just because you want them. Just because you want them doesn't mean you're ready for them. Love and real relationships are a huge responsibility," said Jill. 

Segment 2: 

The next day, Katie had a plan. 

"I have figured it out," she said happily over breakfast. 

"What's that?" 

"I will pray for husbands for all my friends in church. And they will pray for a husband for me. That way, it won't be me asking for something for me. It won't be me wanting a husband so much. What I will be wanting so much is happiness and husbands for my friends. Not selfish. No obsessing. Outside myself. Very mature I think." 

So this was how Katie circumvented her narrative. She realized from what Jill said that it couldn't be about her wanting so badly to fall in love and get married. She realized . . . that she was being selfish worrying only about herself and had to help her friends first. So she became a Jane Austen heroine, so genuinely committed to the love and happiness of those around her that she forgot all about herself while love ripened all on its own in the background as she unknowingly readied herself. All of the outcome with none of the embarrassingly obvious effort. Or all the loopholes without any real change in attitude, depending on how you looked at it. 

—From Laurie Frankel's novel The Atlas of Love 

The Katie character is very religious (Christian), in case you didn't pick up on that. 

One of the basic tenets of faith is that we are not in control. That we don't always get what we want, when we want it. Yet what I have learned is that it's actually a very high madreiga to have actually absorbed this foundational belief. 

Katie's thought process is no different than the thought process of many a dating frummie, and I am including myself here. Girls are presented with a neat, linear timeline of marriage at 20, at 21, the latest. When that doesn't happen? Well, they kinda unravel. 

They (as was I) are gripped in torrential emotions such as disbelief ("but I'm not even picky!"), betrayal ("I followed all the rules!"), shame ("there's nothing wrong with me, I'm telling you!"), and anger. Lots of anger. Anger that they want something, and they are not getting it. 

So let's find the cosmic loophole. The segulah that'll make Hashem say, "OK, I see now what a good girl you are. Here's your groom!" (I was no different, at times.) 

In this day and age, the first time young things become aware of their own lack of control over the universe can be in their early 20s. And it's a shocker. 

Oh, we learned all the stuff in school what we believe in. But we never had much opportunity to put it into practice. There's a big difference between academics and application. 

It's letting go. Letting go of control. Letting go of finding a way to get around divine timing. Letting go of anger toward the universe. (Although, you can hold a grudge against the person who makes bitchy comments to you. That I'll allow.) 

I know of someone in her 70s who still hasn't learned. She thinks that every obstacle has a work around. That if she just works and searches hard enough everything will turn out the way she expected. She refuses to see that maybe Hashem just said no. She has no peace.  

It's better to learn earlier rather than later.  

Taxi!

Yet another dating term is making the IG rounds: the "taxi cab" or "yellow cab theory." First voiced by Miranda of that tv show, the premise is that a person (man) will commit to whoever is standing in front of them when they decide they are ready for a relationship. Meaning, it's not about the connection to the person they're committing to, it's about their own state of readiness. 

I don't deny that this definitely can happen, to some extent, but I believe it actually applies more to women than men. 

Women are, stereotypically, more geared towards commitment than men. I don't like claiming that one gender is a monolith, but little girls are raised with Bride Barbie, visions of their wedding, and awareness of their biological clock. Their purpose is to walk down the aisle, end of. No little boy dresses up as a chosson on Purim. 

Which does lead females to ignore red flags and overlook problematic behaviors. While there are an assortment of red flags and problematic behaviors, I really mean here is: he's just not that into you. 

Some men (I will not say all men, people are different) might drift along with a determined woman. She's willing the relationship into being, she's planning their future, and she's ignoring his lack of enthusiasm. Eventually, matters come to a head, and they part ways. 

The man then gets engaged to another in a matter of months. His ex, infuriated, may invoke the taxi cab: he's ready now, that's all. It wasn't about me.  

My take though, was that it was about you. He met someone else and ah! He's into her! You wanted him to be the One, but he wasn't. 

Note also that relationships require two people. Just because one person decides they are ready doesn't mean the other party will reciprocate. So this idea that a man is ready and suddenly he gets married—like, all women are falling into his embrace? Just by virtue of his readiness means that the next woman he trips over will automatically return his interest? Are all women just willing to marry any rando just to get off the market?   

Google "taxi cab theory" and hoo-eee, there are a lot of results. Apparently, a flippant line of dialogue ascribed to a character but obviously thought of by a script writer has been analyzed, debunked by experts, yet upheld by others.  

The reel that popped up in my feed was of a woman claiming that this theory is true because that's what happened to her: her long term relationship ended, the ex married shortly thereafter, then he called her up years later saying she was the one that got away. That doesn't mean the taxi theory is true. She doesn't know what his marriage is like. Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis and decided to call up all his ex-girlfriends and sigh how unfair life is. 

I'm a reformed un-romantic. I used to think that marriage was about two people deciding to marry on a logical level—like Vulcans. But now, I believe that relationships are more than that, ideally. 

And your person, your specific person, is not a taxi.  

Logic and Love

This WSJ headline caught my eye, of course: Singles Are So Burned Out They’re Letting Spreadsheets Evaluate Their Dates by Molly Reinmann. 

The problem with dating apps is that there's no discernment; everyone is a possibility! From personal experience, that can get exhausting very quickly. 

"You become a little more willing to make compromises on things that you might not usually compromise on, just because you're so tired of searching," said Alyssa Tracy. 

Like I've been saying, frummies are not special in terms of our dating experiences.   

Former matchmaker Lily Womble says she has seen daters over-emphasize the data, causing them to minimize or numb the feelings they get in the presence of a potential partner. "Rigidity can actually be a shield against vulnerability," said Womble. 

It's not about being dogmatic. Frummies date for one purpose: marriage. But even so, a number of us can be let astray by a number of factors. The secular dating world runs by a very different timeline, and initial attraction can be mistaken for compatibility, while the relationship itself was on shaky ground to begin with. By analyzing data, singles are trying to make more intentional choices rather than letting one factor such as hotness run the show. 

For Peyton Knight . . . the rigidity shield is the whole point. "Spontaneity and fun is cool, but if you don't align with someone on basic core values that relationship is inevitably going to come to a halt," she said.  

There it is. 

The Invisible Woman

About a year back, I was in the park with Anakin on a beautiful fall day. I was in my typical underslept attire: hair shoved under a baseball cap, sunscreen but no cosmetics, a badly abused hoodie dress, comfy leggings, battered sneakers. 

Then, the park was invaded by a small army of high school girls, posing for yearbook pictures. Hair? On fleek. Makeup? Stunning. Physique? Well, they're high school girls. Fashion? On point. So many smart moto boots . . .  

I watched them simper and giggle and flip their glossy, perfectly styled manes, lip gloss glinting in the sun, and the unbidden thought popped into my head: I do not envy them at all.  

This was my inner voice talking, so no, I wasn't overcompensating for jealousy. I really did not envy them at all. 

What I saw was the cliques neatly divvying up and isolating others. I saw the Queen Bee being fawned over by her drones, clueless in her curated existence. What I saw was crippling insecurity, as some girls tried so hard to look so right for this "important" moment, yet believing they still fell short. For them, this was the high point of their existence to date, but in short order, it won't matter all that much. 

Television and movies nowadays are bemoaning how older women are "invisible," even when the main character is smokin' hot. Kathy Bates has sighed on interviews how women of a certain age are overlooked and disregarded. 

Mireille Silcoff expressed her befuddlement in a NYTimes Op-Ed, I'm a 53-Year-Old Woman. Stop Telling Me I'm Invisible. Besides for the fact that it's not true, or at least not every older woman's experience, she notes: 

Recently I canvassed a number of my middle-aged female friends and asked: If you could drink a potion and become 22 again today, would you do it? 

A few waffled, but after some thought, not one of them said yes. 

Today's culture idealizes youth, but that doesn't mean that anyone over the age of 35 simply vanishes off the earth. Nor does it mean that everyone wants to stay perpetually young, stupid, and unaccomplished.  

If you feel unheard and unseen, announce your presence. It's not about age. It's about confidence.