Neat Brow

There was always one territory on my face I was afraid of tackling on my own: Eyebrows.

Via vivaadonis.com

Properly groomed eyebrows can make a BIG difference to the face, meaning not just anyone can be allowed at it with a tweezer. 

My brow-hair pattern is kinda in the middle; they're not sparse, nor are they overly furry. Yet they still require maintenance.

I stumbled across a wonderful woman who threads them inexpensively, and shapes them beautifully. But I don't want to go to her too often lest all that yanking thins them out too much. I like a strong, full brow. 

I gave myself a pep-talk. "Go on the internet," my inner self urged. "Find a tutorial. It can't hurt to look." 

I found a few that were informative. For instance, I thought my brow was too full for the ministrations of a brow pencil, but I have discovered that like a lip pencil, it provides definition, which solves my fear of thinning brows. Also, trimming the brow is nothing to be frightened of. 

I was absolutely in love with MissChievous' eyebrows, and then I realized they were mostly pencil and powder. Hey, I can do that!

I marched into my bathroom and rummaged for the brow brush I had purchased on Sephora.com to make free shipping and never used. With a pair of hair sheers, I carefully brushed up and snipped. 

I was amazed at how a little trimming changed things. Plucking a few stray hairs, my brows were practically date-ready.  

My hair sheers for bang maintenance were kinda big, so I bought a pair of Mehaz 4" Eyebrow and Mustache Scissors. 

Next, to Sephora, to find myself brow filler.

I was debating which I should purchase, a pencil or a powder. I first looked at the Illamasqua Eye Brow Cake, but the lightest taupe shade, "Motto," darkened my brows like the ones seen on the Altuzarra catwalk. 

After wandering around Sephora a bit, refusing to look at anything glittery, I decided upon Tarte EmphasEYES for Brows High Definition Eye Pencil in "Taupe."

It is perfect. I am able to sketch that sharp arch, the color blending seamlessly into my brows. "Taupe" is constantly sold out, so I must not be the only one who found it fabulous.Whenever I see it in store I buy one. 

Via xoxovalentinekissesxoxo.blogspot.com

Now, even if my threading lady plucks a little too much, I can still achieve the same fullness and shape with a little sketching.

Keep in mind that thin, Veronica Lake brows are so 1940. 

Bolder, fuller, Brooke Shields brow is here to stay. 

  

Easy Exfoliant

While I don't find most makeup books enlightening, I still manage to learn something interesting. Courtesy of Jemma Kidd Makeup Masterclass:

Baking soda, mixed with water, honey, cleanser, or other ingredients, makes a great exfoliating scrub. 

When I go on a trip, I pour some baking soda into a bottle. Since it's dry there are no worries that it could leak all over my luggage. 

Baking soda itself it not irritating, so it is ideal for sensitive skin types. Many love it for their acne-prone skin, using it as a mask as well as a scrub. It gently buffs without ripping skin off. 

Princess Lea vs. Lea

The internet has really changed not only our lives, but our own and others' perceptions of our lives. 

Being, at first, a mere reader of blogs, I was always surprised when I met the writers in person. The mental construct I had erected of them, the same as I would any fictional character in a beloved novel, would collapse in a heap of shoddy workmanship. They were nothing, and I mean nothing, how I envisioned them.

Via scumbagsteve.com

That lesson has made me wary as to my own blog, that there are others out there painting an inaccurate portrait of me based on the washed-out hues of my own personality that I choose to dispense. 

The internet is also a wonderful buffer. People whom one probably could not stand in real life are now quite tolerable. How many fellow bloggers would I choose to socialize with in real life, and vice versa? I'm guessing not many.

These two concepts are my reasons for being online-dating averse; anyone, including myself, can mindlessly present not themselves, but who they would like to be. 

But we do not date our idealized selves. We date the human, messy aspect of ourselves, the ones who make a flubbed remark, or the joke that is misinterpreted, but there is also the light in the eyes that bespeaks glimmering intelligence. 

Anita Felicelli wrote of her long road that led to her soulmate, which began through many, many years of emails after an initial meeting. At that first encounter she thought she was in love. 

When we first met in the summer of 2001 at a writing festival in Iowa, Steven was a muscular, well-read, tattooed 30-something with a strong Chicago accent. I was a 24-year-old law student in a bad relationship. My first thought when I saw him was: This is the man I’m going to marry.

Then he opened his mouth, and I changed my mind. 

After a few more meetings, devoid of sparks, she figured their relationship was safely in the "friend-zone," and they conversed electronically. Following years of online communication, where they depicted themselves with halo-a'glowing, they eventually moved in together to form a business partnership. 

However: 

As you might expect, when Steven moved in, we were no longer our ideal selves. We got to know each other in real life instead of through words on a screen. Rather than drive us apart, though, this confrontation with reality brought us together. 

The way we date, neatly dressed and pressed with polite "Shabbos faces" on—that should only be the initial stage. True knowledge of another doesn't happen until one lives with them, but exposure to those little likes and dislikes is what a true relationship is about.  

When e-mailing back and forth, we were perfect, constructed versions of ourselves with no chemistry. What we didn’t know was how much we still didn’t know about each other. Living together, I found out just how sports crazy Steven is, how he checks espn.com 50 times a day and drafts multiple fantasy football teams. He found out that I stream “Pretty Little Liars,” spend too much money and avoid doing the dishes. We fought. We made up. Our small press thus far has been a bit of a bust. 

Steven thinks that it was the email exchanges that reflected their true selves. Nah.

There are countless things I never would have predicted we would tolerate in each other in person, having nothing to do with the novels and art that originally connected us. Nine years after our first e-mail, we fell in love, and the next year, we married. Instead of a successful press, we have a daughter who is 7 months old.

What changed? When Steven tells the story of us, he claims that correspondence over those many years bound us together. Really knowing each other occurred through the written form, even though falling in love happened in person. 

But I believe that seeing the messiness and imperfection in each other day after day sparked our chemistry. Even in the age of the Internet, when we’re inundated with information and knowledge, love is old-fashioned. It graces us in person, deepens with time, and remains a mystery.        

Dressing for Men: Hair Grease

Also known as Vaseline hair. 

Why, men? Why?

There are quite a few fellas out there that think that by plastering large quantities of product in their hair, they look "cool." What I see is a .22 away from "mob enforcer." 

How does one maintain all that product? Every night must require hefty shampooing, lest the grease destroy a favorite pillow. 

And what about the yarmulka? What does it look like after being parked atop greased locks a whole day? Do these men have a drawerful for daily use and disposal, like contact lenses? 

If anyone's hair—male or female—looks wet or oily by way of product, that is not a good thing. One is just advertising to the world that they have problem hair, as only the strongest and bravest of gels will tame it. 

Don't grow hair long with the intention of slicking it back, men; just get a haircut. If any product is needed to tame frizz, please, please, everything in moderation. Use a small amount that is absorbed into the hair so I don't have to see my reflection in your shiny mane. 

A Blind Eye Means a Closed Mouth

It is one of the oldest excuses our people have to rely on: A healthy terror of the evil eye. 

By all standards of Judaism it should not wield such an intimidating power, but it does. Ayin hara is simultaneously poo-pooed yet hurriedly invoked. 

My parents always scoffed at the supposed efficacy of the roita bindel. I was therefore surprised when visiting Bàbi with my brother's first child, many years ago, she shuffled off to the closet and pulled out a bundle of red string. A short length was snipped off and tied around his chubby wrist, the thread disappearing within a fold of fat. It was probably removed quite soon following, once it could be found again.

I don't think she gave it any sort of clout, but it must have been something seen enough in her childhood that she continued the tradition. 

Yet while bindels may abound, it is not realized that perhaps the best bet is not to brag in the first place. Without "old country" superstition on their side, even gentile parents expect moms to keep mum. 

. . . a rare consensus has emerged on at least one topic. What subject could possibly be so clear-cut it has elicited once-in-a-generation unanimity?

That parents should stop bragging about their children.

That’s right, apparently the civil rights issue of our age is that you have the right to remain silent — and I have the right not to hear about — how your daughter learned to read at 16 months, your son scored 12 goals in the soccer game, and your darling got into Brown, his first choice! (All these example were taken from actual, antibragging diatribes.)

Bruce Feiler offers a comprehensive list as to acceptable bragging situations. I was pleased to see that number 8, "Bragging to Granny is allowed," echoes Rabbi Yisroel Reisman's position. Although as I understood him in the original shiur, that is actually the only person, at all, one can brag about their children to.

An accomplished child is a wonderful being, but out of fear of a satanic minion, or concern for another's feelings, keeping quiet has a multitude of beneficial outcomes.      

What Drives You

When it comes to dating, the way I can gauge if someone is remotely on my planet is what makes him passionate. 

I was out with a fellow who mainly droned on in a sedate monotone, except for one instance, when he launched into the evils of home ownership. "What is up with those people," he suddenly fumed, eyes snapping, nostrils flaring, skin flushed, voice ringing with emotion, "who have big houses?" 

If I am going to get excited, I sincerely hope it is not about someone buying something they have money for. If that is the only topic that raises the ire of a potential suitor, after the myriad of subjects that were dissected over the last ninety minutes, it seems we are not for each other. (For obvious reasons, the only name available for this date is Karl.)

That made me consider: What makes me passionate? What are my interests that are tied to me so viscerally that I would fly into a frenzy to defend them?

I have pursuits, like clothes shopping. "Outta my way, outta my way!" as I lunge for a sales rack. Makeup, obviously. Quality and healthy foodstuffs.

Would you believe me if I said I wasn't completely materialistic? 

I was once getting heated about the concept of "shidduch crisis" on another outing with a bachelor. "Your voice is rising," he said, grinning mockingly. "Why do you take it so personally?" 

Why? I firmly believe it doesn't exist. I think those who talked it into being aren't acting very religiously. I think that most of today's generation are not ready for marriage at -21, and so if one is not wed by then it does not necessarily qualify as a curse, but perhaps a blessing. 

I don't see myself as a statistic. I see myself as an individual, with my own personal needs and wants. If I am not married yet it is not because of a worldwide "crisis." It is because, mayhap, the Eibishter has His own plans. 

I may like Star Wars, along with clearance racks, Sephora, and healthy diets. But that is not what will make me click with another human being. It has to be shared, cosmic beliefs at the gut-level.

Put a Wig on It

If wigs become accepted by the world at large, have they lost their religious exclusivity? 

It seems that the convenience of a wig, donning a perfect hairstyle every day after paying a hairdresser only once, is a perk that we Ashkenazi frummies cannot hoard to ourselves, so sayeth the NY Times. 

Christine Young, not a frummie, but who likes her wigs.

Even women with perfectly functional natural hair are choosing to wear wigs since they are such time-savers, and offer many looks.

Frummie reliance on the wig has provided employment for those who never even knew what an observant Jew was, as in the case of Atsuko Tanaka, Japanese sheitelmacher galore. 

Yes, that's a frum client in the chair.

Hadiiya Barbel has actually renamed wigs as "crowns." She's got a lot of frum clients too, amongst her celebrity clientele.

  

We are on the path to typicality.

Marriage: Work in Progress

Sometimes the way marrieds talk about their spouses is enough to put one off dating. For a few, it is considered acceptable to belittle their partner in life behind, or even in front of, their backs. 

Like any family mine has our own frustrations and aggravations, but verbal abuse of any sort was never permitted under my parents' roof, so I have rarely witnessed this phenomenon of ribaldry at a supposed loved one's expense. 

It is not specific to any age group. Recently a woman wrote an article in a local Jewish publication calling for more kindness and consideration between couples. 

Jane Brody, piggybacking on the conclusions of Sonja Lyubomirsky, discusses how many a marriage could be salvaged with, as in all things, effort. After all, the article title is "That Loving Feeling Takes a Lot of Work." 

It does. Because as in anything in life, whether it be a desired career, a specific makeup palette, or wardrobe, whatever is worth having has to be worked for. 

Steps to slow, prevent or counteract hedonic adaptation and rescue a so-so marriage should be taken long before the union is in trouble, Dr. Lyubomirsky urges. Her recommended strategies include making time to be together and talk, truly listening to each other, and expressing admiration and affection.

Dr. Lyubomirsky emphasizes “the importance of appreciation”: count your blessings and resist taking a spouse for granted. Routinely remind yourself and your partner of what you appreciate about the person and the marriage.

Gratitude. HaKaras HaTov, as we call it, is one of the basic tenets of Judaism. During the miraculous time that built up to the Exodus, Moses' staff was being wielded often by his brother Aaron instead, as he himself would not strike either the sand or the Nile for the favors they had done him. It is not that we believe that inanimate objects are aware or appreciate such considerations; we practice such niceties to accustom ourselves to experiencing and displaying gratitude. 

To see that which has become familiar with new eyes, to pinpoint all the benefits (as opposed to the pitfalls) that it brings into one's life, yes, that requires active awareness. 

Even a marriage that has been marred by negative, angry or hurtful remarks can often be rescued by filling the home with words and actions that elicit positive emotions, psychology research has shown.

According to studies by Barbara L. Fredrickson . . . a flourishing relationship needs three times as many positive emotions as negative ones. 

I currently have no special someone, but that is not the only relationship possible to make an effort for. Like anyone else, I can become bogged down by the upsets of an ordinary day, where nothing went right, and I have the option of returning to a house full of dear ones and vent my spleen to its bilious content. 

But if I choose, if I give myself an active moment to choose not to, that makes all the difference.  

Dr. Lyubomirsky reports that happily married couples average five positive verbal and emotional expressions toward one another for every negative expression, but “very unhappy couples display ratios of less than one to one.”

Dr. Phil repeatedly says, "It takes a thousand 'Atta boy's to erase one 'You're an idiot, you're worthless, you're no good.'" This is in the case of parenting, but wounding remarks can destroy adults as well.

She suggests asking yourself each morning, “What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner’s life better?” The simplest acts, like sharing an amusing event, smiling, or being playful, can enhance marital happiness. 

On the same day I was writing this up I inadvertently (really and truly) stumbled across this article by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff which is practically the above's carbon copy. 
 
It can always bear repeating this idea I had read and then posted about way back when. A lifeless and loveless marriage of twenty years was salvaged just because of a little effort. Just a little.      

Too Soon

Has anyone ever heard this line?  

"He'll make a wonderful husband and father."  

Whoa there.

I jump ahead as it is. When I'm on a date, my gauge is if I can visualize making him dinner. If I get nauseous at the prospect, he's not a keeper.  

But for a shadchan to already make promises which she cannot keep sounds rather disturbing. To confidently state that we are already celebrating our tenth anniversary? Barf. 

And pray tell, how do you know? It would be like saying that I would be great at roller derby—I have never tried it, but you have a feeling. You can say he's a nice guy, you can say I'm a nice girl, but to apportion successful future roles without an audition?  

I understand that pseudo-shadchanim think they have to invent THE line that will make the unwilling become willing. But if it is meant to be, it will be, without resorting to fairy tales. 

In order to successfully support your argument: "I have Doc Brown here, with his still-steaming DeLorean. He's been the future, and he can bring documented evidence that this fellow will be a wonderful husband and father. He puts you on a pedestal, he wakes up with the baby at night, he can have cereal for dinner in a pinch." 

No Doc Brown? No DeLorean? No Jules Verne Time Traveler in his awesome steam-punk contraption? No Jean-Luc Picard on the Enterprise-E when he went back in time to stop the Borg from assimilating Earth? 

None of the above?

Then kindly pack away the tarot cards. 

Date the Cow

After reading articles like this one about the current state of dating etiquette (or lack thereof), I am awfully happy how the frum community limits dating strictly in terms of marriage. 

In the secular world, men are generally considered to be commitment phobic, and women are urged by their grandmothers to remember that "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" (as the "notorious" Beacon piece depicted so well).

Now men won't even commit to a date, never mind a lifetime of monogamy.  

Traditional courtship — picking up the telephone and asking someone on a date — required courage, strategic planning and a considerable investment of ego (by telephone, rejection stings). Not so with texting, e-mail, Twitter or other forms of “asynchronous communication,” as techies call it. In the context of dating, it removes much of the need for charm; it’s more like dropping a line in the water and hoping for a nibble.

“I’ve seen men put more effort into finding a movie to watch on Netflix Instant than composing a coherent message to ask a woman out,” said Anna Goldfarb, 34, an author and blogger in Moorestown, N.J. A typical, annoying query is the last-minute: “Is anything fun going on tonight?” More annoying still are the men who simply ping, “Hey” or “ ’sup.”

“What does he think I’m doing?” she said. “I’m going to my friend’s house to drink cheap white wine and watch episodes of ‘Dance Moms’ on demand.” 

Here, "traditional courtship" means two people meeting, exchanging phone numbers, and the guy now has to call a girl and open himself to possible rejection. Well, I wouldn't be crazy about having to do that myself. 

I know I am totally overusing Boromir, but please indulge me.

The texting culture is blamed in that it gave men the out they were looking for. It must be excruciating to have to call a relative stranger and profess interest, and if she isn't remotely intrigued, feeling like roadkill on top of being shot down. 

But on the other end, the fact that men had to sit up straight once made them value the experience more (back to "buying the cow"). I have noticed that my restaurant dates arrive better dressed and make more of an effort than the coffee dates. Heck, he's paying for a main as opposed to a $2 tea. A higher price tag seems to wrestle out more male industriousness. 

Dodgy economic prospects facing millennials also help torpedo the old, formal dating rituals. Faced with a lingering recession, a stagnant job market, and mountains of student debt, many young people — particularly victims of the “mancession” — simply cannot afford to invest a fancy dinner or show in someone they may or may not click with.      

I'm not expecting a three-course meal at Abigael's. But if money is dearer, he will certainly bring his A-game. 

Many young men these days have no experience in formal dating  

Well, ours certainly don't! But, when they reach the age of 20, they have to learn. Send your sloppy gentile bachelors our way; we'll teach 'em how it's done. 

Cheryl Yeoh, a tech entrepreneur in San Francisco, said that she has been on many formal dates of late — plays, fancy restaurants. One suitor even presented her with red roses. For her, the old traditions are alive simply because she refuses to put up with anything less. She generally refuses to go on any date that is not set up a week in advance, involving a degree of forethought.

“If he really wants you,” Ms. Yeoh, 29, said, “he has to put in some effort.” 

True that. Anything in life worth having is not going to fall into one's lap, for men or women. This cow spent her day really watching her food intake and carefully applied paint and painfully did her hair and can't breathe in her skirt all in the name of effort. Ergo, wooing the cow seems fair.