It's a miserable talent to be able to see the topic of "shidduchim" everywhere. Like this article, specifically about race ("Why Calls for a 'National Conversation' Are Futile"), that notes action is not a guaranteed result from talking.
I've been listening to shiurim lately that mention hishtadlus. Hishtadlus doesn't change—it stays the same. One does their (reasonable) part, and sometimes there are immediate payoffs. Doing "more" hishtadlus, however, is not what is necessarily called for as a response to a seemingly "failed" attempt.
I always exit calmer after a visit with the family guru. Hishtadlus, he says, is simply how we react to a situation—nothing more. Golly, I love the man.
A lot of talk is about fomenting the correct action to subvert the current situation, instead of recognizing our own piddling humanity.
Like shidduchim (I'm getting so sick of that word). "It's because there is no place for singles to meet." Really? With all the "events" and Shabbos meals and mingling in college hallways? "Boys are too picky." That's a generalization. "Girls are too picky." So's that one. "Mothers are too picky." Oh, God gets around them, too, belieeeeve me.
A national conversation involved a large portion of the public talking about both important and frivolous stuff more or less at the same time. The term has since taken on a lofty, moralizing weight. Now the belief in a national conversation is a belief in positive outcomes, in correctives, in shoulds.
What is the "should" that is the basis of our hysteria? That no one "should" be over 23 and unmarried. When looked at it that way, that seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? Okay, let's make it more reasonable: no one should be over 30 and unmarried. I dunno, still a ridiculous premise to get hysterical about, don't you think?
There are people out there who are dealing with waaaaay more serious situations that need help that can actually be given. No matter how much a someone hopes to be my shadchan, she can't force that. Yet I can easily provide tzedakah to assist a needy kallah with buying household essentials. No talking needed, either. Action done.
The country can’t stop talking about race, because racism won’t let us change the subject. But there’s room to alter how the conversation is facilitated, to strip away the loftiness and self-congratulation. What Barack Obama seemed to be urging in 2013 is precisely what tends to go missing, still, from all of this national conversing: empathy. . . because empathy isn’t a realization you come to by having a conversation with the nation. It’s a conclusion you reach first in conversation with yourself.
Ah, that word: empathy. What is constantly irritating about the conversation surrounding this manufactured "crisis" is how there's always enough blame to go around. Instead of individuals recognizing the Eibishter's Hand in their (and others') lives, they opt for a scapegoat to shove off the cliff.
Everyone should take it easy, on themselves and everyone else. Single people should try breathing again; it's wonderful. Married people don't have to feel guilty, nor should they point fingers at singles' supposed fault.
It comes down to this: If you have an idea that seems possible (I mean taking personality, background, what-they-say-they're-looking-for, etc. into consideration) then suggest it. Don't call yourself a "shadchan"! Just make a phone call, as a friend. That's all the talking/action that's needed.
2 comments:
Orthodox Jewish Singles events and Shabbos meals are usually male-only events, or close to male-only. Most Orthodox Jewish single girls refuse to attend singles events and Shabbos meals.
In the Midwood section of Brooklyn, there is a free event every week for Orthodox Jewish Singles. Attendance is 95% male. One or two girls who attended often fled the event because they believed that Orthodox Jewish single men were looking at them, which they considered to be intolerable, and must avoid it at any cost.
Reeeeaaaally? Every "event" I have attended had more women than men. Oh, and if the girls fled, it wasn't because they were being flatteringly checked out. It was the specific guys who were wiggling their brows at them that they wanted to avoid.
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