Born This Way (Laughing Hysterically)

I know I'm pretty late to the game, but I started watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. While I personally can't stand stories about women who chase down uninterested men, the pilot episode hooked me with "The Sexy Getting Ready Song." 

Rebecca is getting ready for a party where she hopes to see the unrequited object of her affection. The opening scene is the usual, lady in lacy lingerie, strappy heels, and satin robe gyrating in front of a mirror.

Then it goes downhill. We bear witness to the true beauty process, which involves plucking nose whiskers, waxing body hair, scraping off dead foot skin, suffocating body shapers, eyelash curlers, and horrific burns from curling irons. A rapper enters, and begins the usual sexist lyrics, then trails off as he witnesses how the sausage truly gets made: 

"God, what... this is how you get ready? This is some... this is horrifying, like a scary movie or something. Like some nasty-*** patriarchal ****. You know what? I gotta go apologize to some b*****s. I'm forever changed after what I've just seen." 

At one point, Rebecca croons, "Let's see how the guys get ready," and the camera cuts to Rebecca's date, Greg, sleeping peacefully on the couch. 

As she wafts from the house looking smoking, Greg can't believe his eyes. "Oh, I just woke up from a nap," she says airily. 

The episode closes with the rapper, Nipsey Hussle, calling up a list of women and apologizing. 

"Hey Denise, it's me, Nipsey Hussle. I recently had an eye-opening experience. I'm calling to apologize for the way I treated you when you danced in my recent music video. Denise, I'm sorry I showered you with Cristal. I didn't even ask if you liked Champagne, and it probably messed with your blow-out." 

"Ashley, I realize now that it wasn't right for me to tell you what to do with that big fat ***. You can wiggle it, or you can sit it down in a classroom and get that college degree in communications." 

"Chelsea, I'm sorry I put you in a bikini made of gold coins and then made you dance on the roof of my Bentley. I realize now that metal conducts heat and that was probably a very uncomfortable experience." 

"Anyway, Denise, hit me up whenever you get this. I'd love to discuss The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir, which I just read. You are beautiful inside as well as out. You are my equal!"

I was weeping (with hilarity). It reminded me of this post, along with Amy Schumer's music video, "Girl You Don't Need Makeup" (the boy band serenade her that she's perfect without glop, only to recoil in disgust when they see the reality, and beg her to slap the stuff back on). 

My niece said to me the other Friday night (with a complete Shabbos Face), "You look pretty." 

"Thank you, sweetie. It only took a half hour." 

"It was more like forty-five minutes," she corrected.

Gentlemen: Respect the process. That is all we ask. (Han does. Good man.)

Quick, Pretty Nails

I do love color on my nails. I prefer to do my nails myself, and sometimes I don't have the time to wait between coats and for drying. Then, there is the ravages of Shabbos prep—happily wielding my knives, my beautiful manicure can get sliced and diced.

I used to think that if I wasn't applying any color at all, then what would be the point of a clear, quick-drying topcoat? Ma used to encourage it, but my interest was not piqued. 

This past Erev Pesach, it seemed a shame to enter the holiday without tending to my ravaged nails at all. So I pushed back the cuticles following a shower, shaped them with my trusty glass file, and painted on two quick-drying, supposedly nail-strengthening topcoats. 

Oh, how pretty.

Huh. There is something to it. 

It doesn't take much time, and the steps can be broken up whenever one has a few minutes (glass files, I noticed, don't make loud, raspy noises like standard files, making them unobtrusive when on public transportation).  

Also, if they get chipped, no one can tell. Plus my nails seemed to crack less considering I spent first days primarily washing dishes.  

Light and Rouge

At some point web surfing can become expensive. Hourglass Ambient Lighting Powder in Diffused Light was a product that I had never heard of before and then desperately needed.

 

It's not a highlight or luminizer (at least, not in that shade). It's magical fairy dust. When lightly brushed onto a completed Face, before setting powder, it provides a glowing—not sparkling!—finish. I feel like Galadriel.

Mind, my skin tone is on the yellowish side, so the "soft, warm pale yellow" hue is ideal (it's not that pale). 

Next up: As a VIB Rouge member, I was granted at some unmemorable time a bottle of Formula X X ♥ Rouge, a "classic candy apple red."

 

The color is gorgeous against my skin, but too harsh compared to Ma's alabaster tone. An orange-er red would suit such a contrast better.

I also like the Formula X for the thick richness of the lacquer; my other polishes (even the Essie and OPI) can be arbitrarily thin.  

The Repurchased! III

Okay, ladies, summer is almost upon us (yes, I said "almost"), which means I stock up on heat-sensitive products (such as SPF) now, before they can get cooked in shipping. 

SPF!

• For a number of years running, my go-to is Elta MD Clear SPF 46. I hated every other SPF until I was introduced to this one. In the summer, my combination skin needs no incentive to over-grease, and this one protects without oils. 'Tis the Amazon best-seller in SPF.

• Lip skin is thinner and just as susceptible to sun damage, if not more. Alba Botanica's Very Emollient line is beloved by many. I've been religiously using the Suncreen Lipcare SPF 25 and keep on returning to it. 

• Another constant in my cabinet is the Alba Botanica Very Emollient SPF 45 Pure Lavender. It's easy to apply, and it keeps mosquitoes away (in my experience), better than official "bug begone" sunscreens.  

 

Moving on to other beloveds: 

• For cleansing, an idle T.J. Maxx purchase has become my holy grail: Giovanni D:tox System Purifying Facial Cleaner. It contains charcoal, which pulls out impurities. And I mean it pulls them out; I can see gook rising from my pores (I know, I know, TMI). Yet, it doesn't strip my skin. In the interests of being open I tried another face wash, and missed the Giovanni terribly until I finally used up the other one (waste not). 

There is also an accompanying Facial Scrub with fine exfoliating bits that I like. I use it after cleansing once or twice a week.

• Desert Essence has a coconut line, and the three that I've tried rock: the Coconut Shampoo, the Coconut Conditioner, and the Coconut Hand Wash. 

The shampoo cleanses without destroying; the conditioner goes deep without oiliness; and the hand wash lathers up and moisturizes my skin at the same time.

• For the last few summers, no matter the many other nail colors in my basket, I end up applying OPI Dutch Tulips, either alone or with a different color coat beneath. It's a divine mingling of red, pink, and orange.

• While I was initially wowed by the Beauty Blender, and do still love how it performs, it became dotted with black spots of mold despite my careful cleaning and air-drying. 

I tried the Real Techniques Miracle Complexion Sponge instead, for even if it becomes moldy at some point, at least it's priced for swifter turnover.   

  

Ladies, any recommendations? 

Plumberry and Dollface

OPI Conquistadorable Color is now tough to find, so I moved on to Essie Plumberry, described thusly on the brand website: "Be berry lovely in this luscious creamy berry red lacquer with hints of plush pink." Yeah, that sounds about right. Despite the multitude of other options beneath my sink, I've been opting for Plumberry week after week now.

Since my photography skills are quite lacking, here's a more expert shot: 

Polish or Perish

As Illamasqua is no longer available in the States and my Tremble Blush is running low, I purchased Tarte Amazonian Clay 12-Hour Blush in Dollface ("light pink"). The color looks a little unassuming in the pan, but a delight on the cheeks. 

Of course it's matte. 

Sinful Colors Thimbleberry

'Twas the day before Purim, and my nobly fasting niece required some entertainment. While she is hard to impress, her ears perked up at the suggestion that I do her nails. Now to waste some time in the drugstore.  

While her eye lingered hopefully over the greens, blues, and purples, I was firm: Only pink. Nails, like lips, in my view, must remain within the red/pink range. Additionally, she was to be a princess for the holiday, and I wanted an appropriate hue. Our options thus limited, as was the drugstore supply, we both quickly zoned in on Sinful Colors Thimbleberry. 

In some lights, the color looks pink; in others, orange. Whatever color it actually is, it suited her pale skin, as well as her age, to perfection.

Via opinionatedlf.blogspot.com

When summer actually comes, Thimbleberry will get some use.   

Essie Watermelon

The Essie website has started to incorporate more adjectives in its color descriptions, so "a creamy and refreshing juicy red," does not clarify the actual tone that clearly. If it helps, it is actually the color of watermelon innards. 

OPI Dutch Tulips

It is described as being "pink-toned red creme," and it is a really lovely summery reddish shade, with both pink and coral undertones. The color is so charming I find myself peaking at my nails from time to time. 

My own shots never seem to do the nail colors justice, so here are a few other photos: 

Via mylucidbubble.blogspot.com

Via theoneglassslipper.blogspot.com

I got my Dutch Tulips on Amazon.

Chip Free Manicure

I usually do my nails on Thursday night for Shabbos; this time, I had tried a different topcoat, and even though I let my nails dry for more than an hour before going to sleep, my bed sheets left their marks all over. I quickly painted a second layer of topcoat to smooth out the dents before I ran out the door. 

My nail polish did not budge until I took 'em off on Tuesday (I usually give my nails breathing time without any varnish; in my case, they then crack less). 

To double-check my epiphany, I tried it again the following week. Despite the fact I spent all of Sunday sorting through the garage and dealing with dirty, heavy, metal junk, my nails were un-chipped.

Whenever I tried applying the topcoats back-to-back my nails just stayed soggy and never dried. If eight hours are between, however, that seems to work.

My current favorite topcoat is Barielle Ultra Speed Dry Manicure Extender. 

Essie Fishnet Stockings

I was sitting with my cousin Liba at a wedding, and I couldn't stop gazing at her nails. Luckily, she knew the name of the shade. 

Next day I was ordering it on Amazon. 

The website describes Fishnet Stockings as "a spicy, dark creme red." I happen to like creme finishes; no sheen for me. 

Since my lack of photography skills manage to butcher the actual color (it's not remotely that light), here are some alternate images: 

Via community.thenest.com

Via thedailyvarnish.com

Honeybee Gardens Nail Polish Remover

When it comes to nail polish remover, I had always stuck with the drugstore-issue acetone variety. It takes off everything easily, whereas the non-acetone is absolutely useless. My high school had kept a bottle around in case a student was violating the rules, and I ended up scraping off my clear coat of nail-reinforcing polish as the remover seemed to be noxious smelling water. 

I had purchased once from Vitacost Honeybee Gardens Nail Polish Remover since I had become temporarily paranoid about the chemicals in my other remover, and it ended up percolating beneath my bathroom sink. 

One day I ran out of my other stuff, so I used the Honeybee remover on my maroon nails. Now the acetone is getting chucked. 

Usually, after removing dark colored polish, my nails would be stained afterward with the hue, and the color wouldn't truly go away until the nail had grown out. 

Via lydiasparkles.com Mine would look like that.

However, with the Honeybee, my nails were perfectly pristine, devoid of any evidence of the previous nail color. They looked vividly pink, healthy, and natural. 

I have to make sure the cotton ball is soaked thoroughly through with the liquid, then the Honeybee takes every single presence of color away. 

Essie French Affair

 

Essie French Affair is an opaque pink, despite the fact that it describes itself as lavender. In some lights it has a lavender undertone, but to me it looks more pink than anything else.

Best Nail File

Since I do my own nails, I am always up for learning something new. I was scrolling through YouTube for manicure tutorials: 

MissChievous recommended a glass nail file rather than cardboard. What sort of difference could that make? I snorted to myself. But, ever curious, I went on Amazon and bought the one with the best reviews, Sassela Crystal Glass Nail File.

Hoooeee. I am chucking away those cardboard files so fast. . . Despite being very fine in grain, it can do everything from delicate buffing to serious crack repair, all without aggravating further breaks in the nail. 

With cardboard nail files it is recommended to file in one direction to prevent breakage, but this one can go in any direction. It is ridiculously easy to beautifully shape nails with this. Beforehand my nails were nastily asymmetrical; now it is less obvious. There are a host of glass nail files available on Amazon; I went with the one from Sassella.

It is still glass, so baby it; it'll break if dropped. 

DYO French Nails

With support from ZP, I tackled french nails—and emerged somewhat successful, using polishes already available in my own home. 

• Orly Nail Polish in French Manicure for the tips. 

I'm not a fan of the brush, which is the same thickness of a regular nail polish brush. To paint on tips, I painted them on sideways, in a long (and somewhat neat) line.

• For the overall color, Essie My Private Cabana.

It gives my nails a rich, healthy, yet sheer pink, and I applied two coats before doing the tips. Technically tips are usually done in between color coats, but the polish has such a pink hue that it would taint the whiteness.

Ooh, classy!

Now for my second try, after finding:

• Milani Nail Art in White Canvas 704 at my local CVS: 

I had been searching for a long while for a white nail art polish since the brush is much thinner as compared to standard polish brushes. I wanted to see what sort of accuracy it would provide.

• For nail color I used Essie Spaghetti Strap. Still distinctly pink, it is paler than my previous selection. 

How did the Milani work out? Pretty well. Because the brush is much thinner I was able to get more technical in hard-to-reach areas. My left hand, however, wasn't very steady, but with practice I should improve. 

By my third try, the tips were much more even and accurate. Any boo-boos I tweaked with a nail art dot tool.

Pretty Nails

As I mentioned beforehand, the premise of makeup is to highlight natural qualities. Lips, for instance, are often pink, so they should be painted pink or red, not purple. For those with lighter skin tones, brown is certainly not a true hue. 

The same with nails. Nails are pink, so the color that goes on them should be derivatives of pink as well. I am not a fan of these new stunty colors, like gray, black, or brown. I don't find them flattering. 

Now greens and yellows are "in" this season; blah. I am not the only one to think so - Stephanie Rosenbloom wrote an article bemoaning the loss of the natural nail. 

“I think beautifully maintained nails — really nice cuticles and buffed, natural-looking nails — it’s the most beautiful in my opinion,” she said. “You can always add polish to it, but it’s not necessary.” Leave the riot of colors to the high-school kids, she said.  - Elizabeth Lata, the owner of Elizabeth Lata European Day Spa, an Upper East Side stalwart for more than two decades. 

I have seen some with blues, and silvers, but rarely are they caught in pinks or reds. A simple french manicure flatters all. 

 

Sometimes these trendy colors bring to mind other . . . unpleasant associations. 

Via nevertoomuchglitter.files.wordpress.com

Stop a man on the street and ask him what he thinks of nails the color of Grey Poupon. Richard Dorment, a senior editor at Esquire magazine, about the yellow and green nail polish pouring off salon shelves: “It’s the color of mucus. It’s the color of infection. It’s the color of old piano keys.” For some observers, the trendier polishes can also call to mind pea soup, algae and ectoplasm.“It makes me think of the old Hi-C juice cartridges from when I was a kid and they had Slimer on them,” said Chris McLaughlin . . . Ky Henderson . . . said pale green polish “sounds like something a mythical creature from ‘Lord of the Rings’ might have.” 

Via notwithoutsalt.com. Yummy dinner, but not for the nails.

Pinks and reds are the only way to go. 

Via temptalia.com, Essie French Affair (great color)

Mr. Henderson . . . thinks red is more universally pleasing than green, though he cautions against going too dark or inky. “It looks like you slammed all of your fingers in a car door or have a horrible vitamin deficiency,” he said.

In the end, to place so much emphasis on the nails, say by running out to get "trendy" nails, is unnecessary. I repeat, nails are not the fashion focus. Efforts would be better to be applied elsewhere.

Mr. Dorment, who conducted an unscientific poll at Esquire, reported that clear polish was the clear favorite. “It lets us concentrate on her face,” he said. 

Essie Poor Lil' Rich Girl

With flash . . .

. . . and without.

An appropriate wintertime shade; when my bottle ran out I was on Ebay for a replacement. Dark shades like these look best with short nails. My nails were in bad cracked shape and I had clipped them to the quick, so I then applied a dark color. 

OPI Conquistadorable Color

This one of my favorite wintertime shades. Due to the flash, the color looks brighter than it is, while it is actually something like dark raspberry. 

OPI Mod About You

I will admit I could be more patient when I nail file and shape them better, but anywho . . . 

Above is OPI Mod About You, an opaque pink nail polish that I quite like. Light pinks such as this tend to make my hands look tanned by comparison. 

I have found that light opaque colors are hard to apply as boo-boos are more obvious than with darker shades, so I did a little searching for tips. 

One is to apply Vaseline on the cuticles. Whatever nail polish ends up there does not dry on the skin and so is easily washed or scraped off. Just be sure that it doesn't end up on the nail itself. 

Another is to get a nail art dot tool and use the fine point for straightening out the polish. 

I bought one on Ebay from China for a buck or two. It's really quite handy.

Homemade Manicure

I have had one manicure in my life. While traveling in Europe and so being away from prying eyes, the manicurist talked me into having crystals put on.

Not like this, but I'm kind of tempted.

My aversion to professional manicures stems from  financial and health concerns. 

Professional manicures, which are usually done weekly, can really add up as an expense. With less than the price of one manicure, I can buy a bottle of color that will last me months, if not years. 

There are also enough stories how dirty tools were used and someone lost a toe or finger to gangrene . . .

As for health, I had one winter when I would regularly paint my own nails, not taking the polish off until the next homemade manicure, to the point that they were cracked nearly halfway through and stained beyond belief.


I now do my nails every Thursday night for Shabbos, then take them off on Monday mornings, allowing them to "breathe." The stained color has time to work its way off, and my nails don't crack the way they used to. If I paid good money for a manicure, obviously I wouldn't remove it after a paltry three days, so it just doesn't pay for me.

Another objection to professional manicures is how some individuals, who make no other effort on their appearance, rely on manicures as though they were equal to an actual outfit. 

If one is put together, the nails are just not noticed. Manicures are the cherry on the sundae - it's a nice added touch, but it's not the focus. The ice cream is. No one cares about the cherry. Trust me. 

One day, I will probably succumb, but in the meantime I try to distance myself from temptation. 


For those interested in homemade nails, the  needed basics are: basecoat, two coats of color, topcoat.

The basecoat strengthens the nail and lengthen the color's life, and the topcoat provides a protective shell. The brand I currently own for both these purposes is Barielle, as sometimes one hits the jackpot in T.J. Maxx or Marshalls and can get them seriously reduced. I've also found them on Ebay costing much less than store prices. 

Barielle supposedly does not contain some of the other "poisons" that can be found in other nail polish brands. 

I have tried and liked: 

Nail Rebuilding Protein (basecoat)

Ultra Speed Dry Manicure Extender (topcoat)

No Chip Speed Dry (topcoat)