Dressing for Men: The Combover

I am going to get shot for this post. 

[Deep exhale]. Okay, here goes: 

Hair loss is, for obvious reasons, a touchy subject. I'm quite sure Luke has been shoved and tripped on the street because his genetically blessed mane has rubbed salt into many a wound. He also obnoxiously lets it grow to point he looks like the Rogatchaver.

To begin: It is not your fault. It sucks. You have my complete a total sympathy. Even Elaine's boyfriend Kurt, who shaved his head, took to his bed when he realized he had gone bald in the interim.

However, there is no going back. It's like when a teenager feverishly attempts to shield a zit—they simply succeed in amplifying its presence. 

The first step is acceptance. Perhaps one tried all the remedies—daily, gentle scalp massage with castor oil, for instance—to no avail. It must be acknowledged: the time one had with one's hair is gone, never to return. 

My boss, Jack, is devoid of hair. When his son began to show signs of hair thinning when entering his 20s, Jack told him that he had two choices: 1) Toupé. 2) Cutting it off. (The former actually was an option once for frum men who didn't want to wear yarmulkas in their secular workplaces. It has fallen out of style in recent years.)

It seems counterintuitive, yet even this Leah agrees: where hair remains, it must be trimmed short. Going the sleek Yul is not an option for the frum boys, so this applies to you. 

I've always thought chassidishe men who buzz down most of their hair to highlight the payos rock their 'do with panache. They own it.

 

Jason Kearns says that baldness is a way for modern men to make their lives simple and to deal with hair loss with grace. He offers other alternatives to comb-overs and bald insecurity: "Instead of hiding your bare pate," he says, "try to work with it and add accessories like interesting eye glasses or a neatly trimmed beard."

I mean, c'mon, Jason Statham is still cool and everything, and he's gone distinctly bald. He, like, dares you to not be in awe of his coolness.

And please, do not use an awkwardly angled kapul as ineffectual camouflage. We all know what's going on under there.

Now I shall duck to avoid the fusillade of bullets.  

Dressing for Men: The Barber

Waiting for my turn in the salon chair, my eyes wandered over to the in-house master of hair as he snipped a teenage boy's hair with scissors. His technique was carefully observed by a new employee. 

When the kid thanked him for the great haircut, his barber went on a rant. The electric hair clipper is the most horrible invention, he stormed. All heads are created different, and to take a one-size-fits-all machine to hair is an absolute travesty. 

I wholeheartedly agree. 

My sister-in-law took my nephew to a so-called barber, then was frozen in shock as electric clippers tore through his mane in record time. He looked like trailer trash. His hair rebounded, but I'm certainly still traumatized. 

Dudes: Find thyself a barber, and not one formerly from the army. Your hair should be cut with scissors, not with a machine.  

TGIF

• You don't have to "do stuff" on Chol HaMoed; 

• The "Simple" Way to Break a Bad Habit;

• Millenials are comin' back!; and

• Dudes, how to fold and pack a suit. 

Dressing For Men: From the Book of Mindy

Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns):
 
Forgive me, but being a guy is so easy. A little Kiehl's, a little Bumble and Bumble, a peacoat, and Chuck Taylors, and you're hot. 

1. Buy a well-fitting peacoat from J.Crew. Or wait until Christmas sales are raging and buy a designer one, like John Varvatos or something. Black looks good on everyone (Obvious Cops) and matches everything (Duh Police), but charcoal gray is good, too. You can always look like a put-together Obama speechwriter with a classy peacoat. Oh, and get it cleaned once a year. Sounds prissy, but a good cleaning can return a peacoat to its true-black luster, and make you look as snappy as you did on the first day you wore it. . .

The Princess advocates camel too. And navy, while I'm at it.

8. I really think guys only need two pairs of shoes. A nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors. The key, of course, is that you need to replace your Chuck Taylors every single year. You cannot be lax about this. Those shoes start to stink like hell. They cost forty dollars. You can afford a new pair every year. And if you can't, why can't you? You have much bigger problems. Stop reading this and go deal with them.

I would clarify the shoe law that if a man likes his shoes, keep on keepin' on. However, if he's the type that considers footwear an afterthought, yeah, what she said. Converse have non-existent support, so I would recommend an insole.

Scalped

Karl Lagerfeld's model of choice, Brad Kroenig, leads a surreal life. While jetsetting across the world for runway shows where luxury is pouring from the bathroom faucets, he also has the alter ego of suburban husband and father. 

 

This passage:  

Several times a day I caught Brad fussing with his hair, which turned out to be a head massage that Nicole explained stimulates hair growth. Nicole approaches her role as Brad’s partner with the diligence of an athlete’s wife, helping to manage Brad’s low-carb, high-protein diet and replenishing his various supplements, like Viviscal and Biotin (which also promote hair growth). “I get so frustrated because people always see the glamorous side,” she said, “but they have no idea what he has to do to stay at this level.”

Obviously, I have now incorporated scalp massage into my daily regimen (not difficult, as I usually awaken before the alarm clock beeps). 

Being gorgeous—heck, being barely presentable—doesn't just happen. I do the work, happily, as I enjoy the confidence that results from that effort.

But I get annoyed when some think it is spontaneous, that I just roll out of bed with two shades of eyeshadow on my lids. (Well, I do, on Shabbos morning.) Then there are those on the other side who dismiss my kind as being "high maintenance." You go mountain climbing. "High maintenance" sounds more apt a label than what I do.

Quite thankfully, however, unlike Brad, my livelihood doesn't rely on it.   

Dressing for Men: Long Johns

On a blustery winter day, the cold wind cuts right through the wool content of pants, biting into the frigid skin beneath. 

Perfect weather for long johns, me thinketh? Yet cotton long johns can be bulky. 

Enter: silk long underwear! 

Silk is a great layering fabric as it keeps one warm in cold weather and cool in hot, and wicks away moisture. If one lives in a climate with more extreme weather patterns it probably won't provide sufficient thermalness, but if dealing with the New York 20 to 30 degrees it is ideal. 

I'm a big fan since it doesn't add weight, doesn't itch, doesn't suffocate, and does a dang good job keeping me cozy (especially since skirts can get drafty). I've purchased pairs for my menfolk who were quite appreciative, if I say so myself. 

The secret is to make sure the garment is actually 100% silk. Some will label their item "silk" or "silkweight," and it is composed mostly from synthetic. Silk is pricier, although I used to find pairs for myself in Daffy's before they (sob) closed for $15. Currently they are available on Amazon, L.L. Bean, and Land's End, just to name a few. 

Dressing for Men: Lunch Responsibly

Along my morning commute, I witness many a skullcapped man toting his lunch in a plastic kosher grocery store bag. The bag swings against his legs, banging against his knee, holding his tuna fish sandwich hostage in overly-bright, unprofessional ochre. 

I am a big fan of home lunch. It's fiscally responsible and good for the health. But there should still be some class involved.

If a chap is out in the world, he should have something non-nebby to carry his lunch, or any other items picked up in the course of a day. 

For the casual fellow, a modestly sized sling bag. 

For the casual professional, a messenger bag.

For the professional who knows it, a briefcase.

The main criteria is weight. The bag should be light. If it isn't, it's going to end up sitting in the closet rather than keeping one company on the subway. 

Just picture it: Walking briskly into one's place of business, a friendly wave to the secretary, bumping into the boss in the hallway, with a briefcase in hand, as opposed to . . . a crinkly plastic Target bag, damp with gathering condensation.   

Dressing For Men: Well Shod

Waiting for public transportation in the early morn', it is often safer to avoid eye contact. No one feels particularly human at that hour, except for me. 

I opt instead to focus on footwear, and no matter how many times Luke quotes The Shawshank Redemption, I am firm in belief that shoes make the difference. 

Exhibit A: 

Young man, neatly dressed. On his feet were a pair of trim, streamlined loafers with a horse-bit accent. Ah. 

 

Exhibit B: 

Standing next to him, another young man, but on his feet were, urgle, a pair of black New Balance sneakers. The type that 80-year-old men wear to shul because their feet have given out. 

This guy? Still in his 20s. 

I kept glancing back and forth between the two pairs. 

Aaaaah. 

Oooooy.

Aaaaah.  

Oooooy.

Aaaaaaaaaaaah. 

Oooooooooooy.

This is unacceptable. I don't care how comfortable they are. He wasn't not limping, so I'm guessing he isn't recovering from bunion surgery. 

I'm not unreasonable. I don't demand designer, just a wee more discretion when it comes to shoe fit. I've managed to discover flattering footwear for the familial menfolk in my life with just a few extra minutes of research. Rockport, for example, possess a number of options that aren't murder on one's feet yet are still fit to be seen in public.

If you insist on wearing sneakers anyway, don't get sneakers that are pretending to be something other than sneakers. Get sneakers that look like sneakers, that aren't ashamed of themselves.

Sneakers are actually "in" right now (there is even a "sneakerhead" movement), so dress shoes aren't even necessarily required. So get something fun, with a pop of color!

I get it, I know, shopping can be a drag. But so's dating, right, and that hasn't stopped any of us. You want to find the one? You've got to look first. 

 

Dressing for Men: Yarmulkas!

The yarmulka design selected (or kapuls, as they are referred to in my house) is usually an individual decision based on religious identity, separate from the fashionable realm. 

But I still believe that, overall, there should be some protocol in place (you can take the girl out of Hungary . . . )

The standard kapul has a dome-design, to hug the back of the head.  (Take, for instance, the term for Israeli anti-rocket security, the Iron Dome: Kippat Barzel.)

However, I notice that a number of men scooch the kapul forward from its designated, rounded spot to the flat part of the head, then attempt to clip it down, somewhat unsuccessfully. This is sometimes done in a weak attempt to shield a receding hairline. 

The kapul was not made to be flattened. It doesn't like it. It rebels. It bunches, it fights the clips, it becomes . . . unflattering. 

For the gentleman who is trying to shield his bare scalp, I have some sad news: Clipping the kapul there merely attracts attention and identifies the wearer as insecure. The major bummer about hair loss, and I sympathize: Resistance is futile. 

Alternative: Opt for close-cropped haircuts, which renders thinning hair less obvious, and still wear the kapul where it should be worn, at the dome of the head. Otherwise, develop a hat fetish.  

While the dome design is necessary for kapul wearing, sometimes it goes too far. 

There is a kapul catching on now whose physique is rather disturbing . . . it is stiff and peaked, not mimicking the soft curve of the head but stands to attention a trifle disconcertedly.

 

Wearing such a kapul turns one into . . . a Conehead. 

This can probably be blamed on the design. 
 
The more segments there are in a fabric yarmulka, the wider the base, the lower the height, the snugger the fit. Even five-part yarmulkas are sometimes insufficient for those with large heads; they need the six-part. 

Only 4 segment here. Nope.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6! We have a winner!

(Because the suede yarmulkas are flatter by design, four segments are sufficient.)

 

Knit yarmulkas, also known as kippah srugas (kippot sruga? kippot serugot? Dikduk is not my best subject), do not have this concern, being segment free.  

Best. Picture. EVER.

I was invited to a wedding where the couple had recently become religious, meaning most of the guests were a blend of gentile and Jew; I have a feeling the former outnumbered the latter. The venue's complimentary yarmulkas were not the usual white satin "conehead" variation, but the sufficiently segmented black velvet. 

I have to say I was having a really hard time trying to differentiate tribe member from polite observer. All the men looked so natural in the black velvet kapul, even the one with distinct Nordic roots. The secular grandfather was the only one who looked awkward, his white peaked yarmulka fresh from a pocket, doomed to perpetual creasing.

I'm partial to the black velvet. It's subtle, doesn't need clips to stay on (unless the wearer is 3), and it takes a lot more than the slightest puff of wind to knock it off. The knit versions are usually the safest in terms of chic fit, but can often require clips. However, with the black knit, since it tends not to draw attention to itself, a larger size that will hold to the head without assistance is a viable option. 

To summarize: A yarmulka should curve companionably to the dome of the head, but not add extra height. It should seem as though it is not trying too hard; it should be worn effortlessly.

Nice fit.

Dressing for Men: The Buzzfeed Suit Rules

Can be found here. "27 Unspoken Suit Rules Every Man Should Know." Not remotely as complicated as female attire, but still a lot of detail. 

An addition of my own: Embrace the pinstripe. Not the wide, tacky pinstripe of the Brooklyn mobster, but the whisper-thin refined pinstripe that elongates the body without being too loud. 

Hickey Freeman knows best.

Dressing for Men: The Bone Collector

Men's shirt collars can have a mind of their own. If left to their own devices, they may curl instead of looking starchly in place. If one is wearing a tie, then one has to make sure the collar stays where it's supposed to.

For that, there are bones (as they are called in my house), also known as collar stays. These little doohickeys can work wonders just by being slipped into the shirt collar. 

They are available in both plastic and metal. If getting plastic, make sure they are solid and firm; they shouldn't bend or fold while being slipped into the collar.

Dressing for Men: The Tailor Mottel Kamzoil

Finding a good seamstress is not easy. 

Renoir's Seamstress

I've had one who would take things in by virtual millimeters since her Korean sensibilities were, apparently, more modest than mine.

Alternatively, I brought a dress to another tailoress to hem up, only she chopped off too much fabric, blatantly exposing my knee. I ended up giving the dress to my sister-in-law, and I have a sneaking suspicion she sold it on Ebay.

Finally, I found someone nearby, who does exactly what I need, all for a great price. A good seamstress will also tell the customer whether it is worthwhile or not to alter a garment, or if she cannot do what is requested, rather than bumbling along and destroying the skirt or jacket. 

But then she failed me, butchering, quite unnecessarily, at least ten skirts. I was frantic, begging everyone for suggestions, until I tentatively handed my precious garments to the Korean needlewoman (yes, another) at my cleaners. A master of her craft! A thousand blessings on her head! 

Females, understandably, require a regular seamstress. We've got all those hems-elbows-collar issues, and off-the-rack items rarely fit perfectly. I need many skirts taken in/out, or let down/hemmed up. 

Men may think they can go without a tailor. Non, non, non, mais amis. 

It is incredibly disturbing to see a man in pants that make him look as though he has child-bearing hips.  

Fellas, once upon a time all clothing was custom. Off-the-rack changed that, meaning that only once in a while will a garment fit perfectly.
 

My father's tailor is an artist who charges through the nose, but he is so worth it. Especially in the business world, looking sharp means having Mottel Kamzoil on speed-dial. 

 

Ask around—do not pick a name from the Yellow Pages! Go by recommendation only. 

Although, Luke had a bad experience. He took a magnificent suit to the same amazing tailor, who made it fit like perfection, only he was then caught in a torrential downpour and the suit shrank. 

After going to the tailor . . . invest in a good raincoat and bookmark Weather.com. 

Dressing for Men: Hair Grease

Also known as Vaseline hair. 

Why, men? Why?

There are quite a few fellas out there that think that by plastering large quantities of product in their hair, they look "cool." What I see is a .22 away from "mob enforcer." 

How does one maintain all that product? Every night must require hefty shampooing, lest the grease destroy a favorite pillow. 

And what about the yarmulka? What does it look like after being parked atop greased locks a whole day? Do these men have a drawerful for daily use and disposal, like contact lenses? 

If anyone's hair—male or female—looks wet or oily by way of product, that is not a good thing. One is just advertising to the world that they have problem hair, as only the strongest and bravest of gels will tame it. 

Don't grow hair long with the intention of slicking it back, men; just get a haircut. If any product is needed to tame frizz, please, please, everything in moderation. Use a small amount that is absorbed into the hair so I don't have to see my reflection in your shiny mane. 

Dressing for Men: Death to the Clog Master

The ladies' section of my shul gives a good view of male attire. 

There is one kid who never, ever, comes to shul wearing a proper laced-up shoe. He only wears a pair of battered clogs. 

All right, I thought. One lazy teenager may yet learn proper shoe etiquette. 

Yet, I saw another fellow from shul on the street on a weekday. Wearing, yes, the same dreaded clogs. 

To reiterate: the beauty of clothing is that it creates the optical illusion of a better figure. The feet deserve the same treatment. 

• Clogs make the foot look gigantic.

• I have never seen someone take a dignified step while wearing clogs, only unattractive zombie-like shuffling.

• Clogs do not hold on properly, so painful accidents such as tripping over one's own feet and flipping over are a greater possibility than lace-ups.  

• Crocs, which fall into the category of "clog," is hands down the most frightening item currently on the market. They are terrifying. Like real crocs. 

Comfort, you say? No. 

Get instead a pair of sneakers. 

Or a rubber-soled loafer.

Clogs can be equated with mules, and they are a hazard to men and women alike. In an NY Times interview, former French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld had this to say:

NYT: You’re always railing against mules. What did mules ever do to you?

CR: I hate mules. I hate the noise when someone walks with mules. Clomp, clomp, clomp. I think it’s very not chic. I don’t even like a flip-flop. I don’t like this noise. I don’t think I’ve used mules one time in a story. 

According to WiseGeek.com:

Backless shoes can have distinct advantages, since they are so easy to put on. They also have some disadvantages, including the fact that an unsecured back may occasionally slip or not provide enough stability for walking long distances.

The one benefit clogs has is that it takes a second to put on whereas loafers maybe take two seconds. Make time for your feet; they deserve a little pampering.  

Dressing For Men: Outerwear Counts

It is so sad to see a man in a bad coat. 

You know those bad coats. The one's with excess fabric around the waist and hips, so cinching the belt just results in flariness that make the wearer look like a distorted pear. 

Or when they show up to shul on Shabbos in a waist-length thin windbreaker, all blue in the face. 

Oy. 

During the winter months, one is mostly seen in a coat. So feel free to upgrade it.

Guidelines:

• Shabbos coats should be between 3/4- and knee-length. When I say knee-length, I mean no longer than the knee. It should be shorter rather than longer. 

• Opt for a beltless model. Keep an uncluttered, clean look. 

• For Shabbos, no weatherproof parka. But no one wants to be chilly, so be sure to check the fabric. Shabbos deserves wool and/or cashmere, but fabric content isn't proof enough.Walk around a bit in the store, or take it home if one can return, and wear it around the house. Feeling overheated? It's a keeper. 

Red Soles . . . For Men?

The other Shabbos a young feller trotted by. His retreating figure was bestowing tantalizing flashes of red - I do not know if his shoes were authentic Louboutin or not, but his soles were the right color. Looked new, too. 

Louboutin recently lost in court for sole (no pun intended) rights to the red sole, so he may have been wearing another brand. 

But, in any case, are there any females out there who feel zealously protective of the red sole?

Dressing for Men: How Many Buttons?

In terms of current men's suit styles, there seems to be only two selections: two- or three-button (double-breasted is not as commonly available as these two).

Three-buttons come up high, so the lapel ends pretty fast. This emphasizes the chest and belly while under-focusing the shoulders, meaning that unless one is in great shape, one can easily look like a stuffed cabbage.

Most of the tie is tucked away; ties, pinstripes, vertical stripes in general tend to have a slimming affect. If the length of the tie can't be seen, bummer for false svelteness.

I'm sorry, it's just not going to work out.

The two-button, however, has a wider and longer lapel, giving the shoulders an appearance of broadness. Broad shoulders mean thinner waist by comparison. More of the tie can be seen, giving a longer line. And since less of the torso is buttoned up, less like a stuffed shirt will one look. 

Dressing for Men: The Tie

My father hasn't bought his own clothing in thirty years. You think something as serious as wardrobe is going to be left to a man who just wants to buy the first thing he sees so he can leave?

Uh-uh.

The only time my brother Owen speaks to me with respect is if I call him up asking if he needs a coat. In this, he trusts me.

Needless to say, I have a lot of tips I can offer the gentlemen.

Today I will be discussing ties.

Ties should not match the suit itself; they should contrast, or compliment, such as matching the pinstripe.

Gray suits: blue, red, green, yellow, pink - anything but gray or silver.

Blue suits: red, green, gray, yellow, pink, brown - steer clear of navy.

Black suits: no navy or brown, anything else okay.

Stripes on ties are very good, but either the suit or shirt should be solid. Owen once showed up in a kaleidoscope of stripes; I felt dizzy.

Be very careful with floral. Some ties can look a little overdone.

Like so. The blooms are too big and too many.

Tread carefully with plaid. I would say that the rest of the look should be as simple as possible, meaning solid suit and shirt. Then the look can be classy.

There are also many other styles and varieties of patterns available, of course. A few pointers: 

Shiny/Iridescent: best with a solid color, perhaps stripes of the same color but different shade are okay, with a simple pattern. Then the tie is distracting rather than enhancing. 

Paisley: I, personally, am not a fan of it in any shape or form.

Novelty: NO. Just NO.