Definition of "Shidduch System"

In the recent edition of The Jewish Action, there is an article entitled, "Does the Shidduch System Need an Upgrade"?

The author, an educator, finds it understandably distressing as multiple girls come to her and weep over their experiences "in the parsha." 

These eligible women tend to do the same thing: meet shadchanim and hope they set them up. The author (correctly, in my opinion) does not believe this to be the best option to find one's soulmate, especially considering these shadchanim don't really know their clientele. 

So she did an unofficial survey, and discovered that out of 256 couples, only 12.8% were set up by "official" shadchanim (that's 32 couples). 

She proposes that this current "shidduch system" requires an upgrade, such as co-ed Shabbos meals.

I agree wholeheartedly with the first part of the article; the latter . . . not so much. 

(1) There is the false assumption that "shidduch system" = "professional" shadchan. It doesn't. That's a recent, and I mean very recent, development. 

"Shidduch system" = blind date. That's pretty much it. It's not dependent upon who's arranging the date. There is other protocol involved, which applied in a time where "saving face" was a concern, but that has fallen by the wayside as profiles became ubiquitous (once, a person would call up and sell the person they were suggesting; now they opt for an inadequate piece of paper). 

(2) The author references one girl's frustrations, noting that she comes from a family where "the shidduch system" is alien to them. 

I'm a firm believer that if someone tries to take up a method or lifestyle that is inherently foreign to them, there will be extreme difficulty in practicing it naturally. This girl would prefer to meet eligible fellows through a middleperson, however she believes that means going to shadchanim. 

But "professional" shadchanim, as I have learned, have limited abilities. I went to a few (at their request) who actually did have street cred. They never set me up. 

Those who grew up with the shidduch system (as I did) rarely interact with shadchanim. In my case, it was my aunt's best friend whose daughter is married to Han's cousin. My siblings were set up by a high school friend, an aunt, and Ma's friend's mother-in-law. Ma herself made a shidduch. Ta did too. 

While the author may have faith that co-ed meals might do the trick, my experience with them was not pleasant (why would the host break out the Johnnie Walker?) 

The shidduch system relies on Jewish Geography. It relies on community. It relies on each of us caring about our fellow human. The author does allude to this, but as a theory if it turned out that most people were set up by non-professionals: 

I may discover, for example, that the most likely person to set you up is a close mentor figure, such as a rabbi, a teacher or someone with whom you are a ben or bat bayit (responses to the “Other” category from our previous question intimated as much). Knowing that simple fact would vastly change the landscape of my students’ hishtadlut. It would mean that primarily I should counsel them to develop deep relationships with people they know and respect, and who may have access to potential dates. It would mean that getting to know someone deeply is more likely to get you married than meeting with fifty shadchanim in a superficial way.

You don't even have to know someone deeply. I didn't even know my shadchan before marriage. But she knew my family well, through my aunt; she knew our values, our background, and my aunt certainly knows me well. Based on that criteria, she put herself out there and made a call. 

But the average single doesn't really like that method, because they don't have control over it. Whereas by going to a shadchan, one has the illusion of control. But being frum means recognizing we aren't in control. 100 shadchanim will not guarantee a bashert. 

It can be terrifying to redt. I tried to a few times in my single days, and they did not end well (and that was when no date actually took place). I currently had a thought about setting up a neighbor's friend with Han's friend, but I'm worrying if my instincts are totally off, and I'll just be guaranteeing two people to a miserable outing and they'll hate my guts forever. 

But on second thought, I think what truly upset me more about bad dates was the shadchan's dismissive attitude to my (polite) refusals. So I guess, based on my own harrowing journey, I should focus on simply being nice and listening.