The rain falls on the just and unjust alike. Illness has no rhyme or reason, striking the health-conscious and the McDonald fressers both. Perfectly capable individuals struggle with parnassah, while seeming incompetents ride the money train. The loveliest of couples can clash with their children, while the most clueless of parents will be respected by awesome kids.
Yet, singles are all the same. The entire group is simply too picky.
A friend WhatApped me a letter written by a 36-year-old single where he reveals his recent epiphany. He is quick to list (more than once) his wonderful merits, and how he expected the most wonderful woman in kind. If she actually had human flaws, she got her marching orders.
However, looking back, especially considering the unpalatable shidduchim being suggested to him now, he has discovered he could have married so many other women who would have been "good enough." If only he (Mr. Perfect) would have deigned to overlook their lack of perfection, he would at least be wed and a father by now (he seems to assume that all these "good enough" women wanted to marry him in turn). Don't do the same thing as me, etc.
However, looking back, especially considering the unpalatable shidduchim being suggested to him now, he has discovered he could have married so many other women who would have been "good enough." If only he (Mr. Perfect) would have deigned to overlook their lack of perfection, he would at least be wed and a father by now (he seems to assume that all these "good enough" women wanted to marry him in turn). Don't do the same thing as me, etc.
This letter left a bad taste in my mouth.
Some may view his enlightenment as a good thing, as the picky man is reborn into a pragmatic one. As all singles are picky (it has been established) they should all become pragmatic too, like him.
Some may view his enlightenment as a good thing, as the picky man is reborn into a pragmatic one. As all singles are picky (it has been established) they should all become pragmatic too, like him.
But, again, we aren't all the same. This single came to a personal realization—and is still single, mind you—but since when are personal realizations meant to apply to an entire demographic?
This chap even writes that those who aren't looking for perfection, but who have a few criteria, are being too picky. This is one serious pendulum swing. His policy wasn't correct before; it does not follow that a 180—for EVERYONE—is now the only answer.
In my case, the few men that I was interested in seeing again—and they were all quite human, as I am—were not interested in me. No one else was a viable possibility at all. Han was so different from anyone else I had ever gone out with, even the ones I was willing to see again, that I could never say that I could have married "many" other men. Or even any other man.
But this is my case. This was my situation, my experience. There may be others like me, but I do not assume all singles are me—not even Han.
We are INDIVIDUALS. We are DIFFERENT. Singlehood could be a self-inflicted state—or, it could simply be that not everyone is supposed to meet their soulmate in their low 20s.
Our community likes these epiphany letters. It makes things seem so clear, so simple—and promulgate the stereotype that singles are their own worst enemy. After all, this guy figured it out! He was being too picky! As you are, obviously!
I don't know this guy from a hole in the wall. I'm not taking life advice from him. But I do know me. So I will do what I have to do. Without insisting that EVERYONE else follow suit.
6 comments:
Pretty sure I read that letter, too, when it was first published a few years ago. It left a bad taste in my mouth, too. As I recall, it ended with him signaling his willingness to deign to reach from his lofty heights to marry an acceptable woman (who, the reader infers) should be overflowing with gratitude that he is willing to accept her.
The whole tone was just so arrogant.
Well put. As my father would say, "The geiva shtinkt."
Thank you for replying to that letter! So many people were bothered. I couldn't even pit my finger on why it irked me so
Oh good, I'm not the only one who was ticked off!
Thank you for replying to that! As another former "older" single, I would say that my problem wasn't that I was too picky (although I got told that as well, starting at age 20) but that I actually wasn't picky enough. I wasn't sure what type of guy I was looking for and really needed all those years of dating and failed dates just to figure it out. I stopped giving guys a try if their middos were off or their hashkafah was different from mine, said "no" way more often, and that's what allowed me to give my now-husband an honest try. He's really, really different from me in a lot of ways but I had learned to be picky enough to identify what was truly important to me. I have a good friend who is still working on figuring this out.
That being said, I do have another friend, also an "older" single, who has rejected dates for what seemed to be very dumb reasons. But maybe they're truly important to her. YMMMV
I started off dating at 19 thinking I could make a good life with anyone. I learned otherwise pretty quickly! We grow and learn at different rates, and that is based on our own perspective and no one else's.
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