Thursday, June 20, 2019

Shidduch Lit VII

Rona Jaffe's The Best of Everything:
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This book takes place in the 1950s, as young women flock to Manhattan for secretarial positions. There is a scene where a group of single women attend the wedding of a co-worker. Our heroine is Caroline; the co-worker is Mary Agnes.
 
"You'll find somebody," Mary Agnes said. "Don't you worry." 

"I'm not worried, Mother," Caroline said. 

"That's a good attitude," said Mary Agnes, licking the salt off her fingers. "I admire you for it. Most girls our age are scared to death if there's nobody on the horizon, and that's silly. Because if you look at the girls five years older than we are, why, I don't know one who isn't married." 

"I do." 

"Are they terribly ugly?"

"Quite the contrary. I've met some at parties who are very pretty and smart, too, with good jobs." 

Mary Agnes' eyes widened as if she were about to expound some great and mysterious bit of philosophy. "Well, she said, perhaps there's something psychologically wrong with them." 

Caroline clamped her lips together to keep from laughing and jiggled her empty glass so Mary Agnes could see it. "I've got to get a refill," she gasped, and fled to the desk that was serving as a bar. The whole conversation had been so ludicrous, really, with Mary Agnes smug now that she had landed her man and she herself the adventurous but rather pathetic figure of the attractive unattached girl. It made her want to laugh when she thought of Mary Agnes' comments, and yet, unaccountably, they hurt a little too. Because as always she could see and hear everything on two levels, the one that told her how silly it was and the one that allowed her to become affected and upset. She was only twenty-two, she had been out of college only two years, and she knew she was going to get married someday . . .Caroline knew she had lied to Mary Agnes because one always lied to such people if one intended to survive. But she couldn't lie to herself. She was worried about getting married. She knew it was ridiculous, but she was worried. She wondered whether every girl felt the same way she did, or whether it was a personal foolishness. 


Sound familiar? It did to me. Plenty of my posts dealt with this same dual feelings that the people who made ridiculous comments were ridiculous, of course I'll meet my one-and-only someday—but what if I don't?

Then this passage, as Caroline contemplates her dating life: 

She was realizing already as she came to the end of her second year in New York that thoughtfulness like this was hard to find. There were men . . . all good looks and charm . . . There were dozens of utterly mismatched blind dates that she had been inflicted with in the past two years, a sentence of hard labor starting with the words (usually uttered by some nice older woman who hardly knew her or the boy) "I know a nice young man for you to meet." These amateur matchmakers seemed to think the mere fact that Caroline wore a skirt and the man wore pants was enough to make them want to hurl themselves into each other's arms. And there was the majority, the so-so dates, the young men who didn't particularly care about her or she about them, but who continued to call her once in a while for dinner or drinks because they too were marking time. 

There is nothing knew under the sun. Nor is our situation specific to us frummies. We are simply in a time warp when it comes to our romantic experiences. 

Monday, June 3, 2019

Shabbos Lashes

Three day yuntif. For a makeup lover like myself, cue the đŸ˜± emoji. I love yuntif! But keeping on mascara for three days is quite daunting.

In my younger, pre-baby days, keeping makeup on for so long was a challenge I was amenable to tackle. But I
now cherish sleep to the point that I just want to bury my face into a pillow and pass out after a 2 am feeding.

I still, however, want to go out in public with my dignity intact.

A few years back I heard of magnetized false lashes. The lashes attach with magnets, so they can be applied and removed and reapplied on Shabbos. As I  am armed with Shabbos makeup, mascara is the only chink in my armor.

So this past Shabbos I gave it a trial run. I purchased a set by Lash’d Up on Amazon called "I Woke Up This Way," and after a few tries, managed to somewhat successfully apply them. They aren’t too dramatic - my mascara is usually more over the top - and with Shabbos eyeliner I was able to make it look more blended with the lash line.

http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0005/4450/5914/products/iwokeupthisway_model_f0e6b7fc-3de6-4cdc-beb4-facf80e59953_1200x1200.jpg?v=1539980874Because they are magnetized, you can’t use metal tweezers to get them on. I think I will look for plastic ones to assist.

So after a bleary night with baby, I was able to take my eyes from bare to smoky on Shabbos, with lashes!

The Messiah cometh!

Monday, May 6, 2019

Missed Me?

She humbly inquired.

Well, I did have a pretty good reason. Approximately 7 lbs. of it. 

I'm a mommy now.  

The blessed little fellow, to be referred to as Ben, has cut into my extracurricular activities a bit. But I still intend to blog. 

Sand People couldn't keep me away. 

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Art vs. Supper

Today's culture puts little value on home life. Domesticity can be dully repetitive (as my Babi would joke, "You want supper again? I fed you yesterday!"), and for some, a barrier to more "lofty" achievements.
 
In my case, home life was always more appealing than anything else, work or vacation included (vacation, to me, is as much work as work). I've feel fulfilled when chasing after kinfauna. I find the noise of something substantial clattering up the vacuum hose oddly satisfying. And, weirdly, I don't mind doing dishes.
 
Yet these necessary and endless tasks can get "in the way" of "art," according to the standard narrative. As Bookends asked, "Are Domestic Responsibilities at Odds With Becoming a Great Artist?" The question was answered by Siddhartha Deb, a single father, and Dana Stevens, a mommy.
 
Deb argues that standard employment is not considered a barrier to art, only dish washing, because the latter is uncompensated and so, therefore, "unproductive."
Yet the reality is that art and domestic work are both likely to go uncompensated or poorly compensated, and under such circumstances, both have to be approached with love and rigor to be done well. In that sense, great art and domestic responsibilities are as like each other as my elaborate meal plans are like the chapter outlines of my maximalist novel.

Stevens provides examples of recognized authors who did not have children, and even gave credit to their art for that fact; however, she also lists those who did have children and succeeded. She also points out that many abandoned their families in the pursuit of "art" and did not become well-known.
. . . with time, my romantic vision of the uncluttered life of the pure artist has gotten agreeably cluttered by life itself.

She simply concludes that an artist must be more driven, that's all, in order to create, and that shows their devotion. No worries.
 
Yiyun Li reviewed Deborah Levy's book "The Cost of Living," as Levy describes her writing while also extremely busy with everyday life. The stereotypical artist escapes from the responsibilities of the mundane life, but does that make their work any better without those "distractions"? Levy's books were critically recognized, even with the millstones of everyday hanging about her neck.
 
For my own preferences, I prefer reading stories of "real life," of characters navigating the everyday, the mundane, and trying to figure out the best choices to make. In general, facing reality head-on instead of avoiding the inevitable is my jam. I don't find artists who abandon their families to float without care at all appealing; that art, in my opinion, is worthless.
 
It can be done.


Thursday, February 28, 2019

What's Love Got to Do With Cooking

The title of this article when it was printed in NY Times Magazines was "Cooking Like a Cynic.
With some frequency these days, you’ll hear talk of cooking “with love” — that supposed secret ingredient, the intangible something extra that makes a chef’s food so good. I am sure that is accurate for some, but I imagine that what is identified as love is probably thoroughness and follow-through and taking the time that work-done-properly takes.  
Whenever I hear of "cooking with love," I think of two sitcom situations: 

The first was from "Everybody Loves Raymond," when Marie acquiesces and teaches Debra her precious meatball recipe. However, there is a "weird taste" that Debra can't account for, no matter how she tries. Marie had begun the lesson by invoking the "love," and Deb concludes that she must not have it. 

She then discovers that the herb jar that Marie gave her was sabotaged. "Love" had nothing to do with it. 

The second is from "The Big Bang Theory," the first episode that the excellent Laurie Metcalf guest-stars as Sheldon's mother, Mary Cooper. Penny gushes about her apple cobbler, to which Mary responds, coyly: "You know what the secret ingredient is?" 

Penny, simpering: Love? 

Mary: Lard. 
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I think these two examples prove—along with the article—that good cooking has nothing to do with love. It's about being invested enough in the process to learn techniques, follow recipes properly, and occasionally follow one's gut in terms of improvement.  

Some people have no interest; their prerogative. Some people rush, make errors, and wonder why their results are politely ignored; again, also their prerogative. 

Ma would say that she did not like to cook. However, what she did enjoy was nourishing her family with healthy recipes that they would scarf down even though they had all the fat removed. Nothing gave her greater joy than an empty pot: That meant that whatever she had made was a hit. 

I wonder now if I like to cook. I can get excited at the prospect of trying something new, researching recipes, getting it right. There is something rewarding about taking the separate, the raw, and compiling them into a blended, magical creation. Perhaps I do like to cook; the process itself as well as how the results are received (which is not always well. But then I try again).

Monday, February 25, 2019

When They Don't Want You

I would think that by now, I would have cheerfully forgotten about those miserable dating days. But no, they haunt me still, that decade +. 

While the majority of my dates were obviously "he is not for me," there were occasionally fellows that ignited my interest simply because they were so much better than what I had gone out with before. In those situations, I believed myself smitten, even though after one meeting I could already tick off a number of "um" qualities.  

When they said no (after one or two dates), I would be so devastated, and think about them constantly until the next "better" option came along. Who would also decline, and then be the object of my affection for a while further. 

Then Han blew them all out of the water, and I realized how wrong I had been. 

I thought of this while reading "Lessons from a 12-Hour Goodbye" by Miriam Johnson. She was attached to him, but he did not return her ardor. She pleaded their case for 12 hours, but for naught. 

It reminded me of "He's Just Not That Into You"; if a guy really likes you, he'll do anything to keep you. He can't be talked or coaxed into having feelings that he doesn't share with you. 

Johnson was initially hopeful he'd return, but when he didn't, she realized how little we really know others. Not only that, she had hidden parts of herself from him. 

When we are on the search for a life partner, and then feel as though we are close, so close, it's hard to accept defeat. But sometimes those experiences have different meanings then we think. 

Johnson tells her therapist that it's been a year and she still thinks about him; she wants to know how to let him go. 
. . . she told me a story about a man she loved in her early 20s, nearly 50 years ago, whom she still thinks about to this day. Then she said: “You’re asking the wrong question. It’s not about getting over and letting go.”
I looked down at my hands and considered how this could possibly be about anything else.
“It’s about honoring what happened,” she said. “You met a person who awoke something in you. A fire ignited. The work is to be grateful. Grateful every day that someone crossed your path and left a mark on you.”
To be frank, it's kind of difficult to find gratitude in heartbreak. I would wonder what I was supposed to learn after trying so hard, willing to be vulnerable, only to have my efforts spurned. Maybe it's gratitude? Or maybe it's pain that one was meant to experience. 

Monday, February 18, 2019

My Mother's Armoire

Ma and I were of similar clothing size, and wore the same shoe size. 

Her one "vice," if that is what it can be called, was a love of beautiful attire. Our outings were usually shopping in nature, and the thrill of the hunt—finding garments and footwear that were stunning yet exponentially reduced in price—gave us such pleasure. 
http://campfire-capital.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Saks-5th-Ave-SHOES.jpg
Cleaning out her closets was a difficult enterprise; I'm still only halfway. I have fantasies of altering her magnificent wardrobe for my own use, and I have appropriated what fits already. Will I ever give away her designer skirts, sweaters, suits? She would burrow in there on Shabbos morning, already liberally scented with perfume, as she tenderly selected her attire for shul. She would stride in, in stylish sunglasses and red lipstick that lasted overnight, whipping off her glamorous fur.

She also loved her bling. She had a right-hand ring that I always coveted, and I now wear it daily. It's a constant, comforting reminder of her. My sister-in-law said years ago of her "gam zeh yaavor" ring how looking at it, when the kids were misbehaving, reminded her that this too shall pass. Looking at my mother's ring, I recall her capability, her wisdom, her powering through even when it was difficult. 

While Ma could be the classy "lady," she could also strip down to the basics in order to prep for Shabbos and yuntiff. She loved the holidays, to the point that while there was effort, it was definitely worth it.  

Ari Scott's "Wearing My Dying Mother's Clothes" echoes my sentiments. Her clothing and accessories were an extension of her; wearing them keeps her close. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

UA Comedian Speaks Truth

Netflix is jammed with comedy specials, and I was intrigued by Ilina Shlesinger's Elder Millennial
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UA (Un-Aidel)? Um, YEAH. But I wept with laughter many a time. 

Newly engaged at 35, her material mostly deals with dating. And how it suuuuuuucks. And all the things women do. 

The calculating. The analyzing. The hoping. The yearning.

It was further proof for a previous post of mine, where I attempt to debunk the frum older single fantasy that if only she wasn't religious, getting a man would be a breeze. 

PEOPLE! It suuuuuuucks EVERYWHERE!!! 

I repeat: EVERYWHERE!!! 

Monday, February 11, 2019

What is Mess?

Having a roommate (spouse) has taught me that many things are in the eye of the beholder. 

In a flip of the typical script, Han is neater than I am. I never saw myself as a slob—that's what Luke is, not me—but Han's ways made me see myself in a new light. 

Not that I'm a slob. I'm careful with crumbs and immediately dispose of wrappers. I don't like dishes piling up in the sink. My produce is packed in the fridge with military precision. 

But Han likes to make his bed every morning. Ma didn't ask us to make our beds, and it had a sound logic to it; I'll be climbing back into it tonight anyway. He likes a sparkling bathroom mirror, as I do, except my toothbrushing tends to get violent. He adores a clean countertop, and I often arrive home planning on cooking only to behold a pristine kitchen (courtesy of Han) and I'll apologize that in order to eat, its prettiness won't be lasting long. 
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"The apartment is a mess," he'll say from time to time. 

I'll glance around, befuddled. "A mess?" I'll echo. I don't see a mess. OK, maybe one or two pairs of my sneakers are out. Newspapers cover the table. But doesn't everyone like a newspaper to browse through while nibbling breakfast?

I'm not complaining. If Han feels a need to clean, he will do it. Yet sometimes I feel guilty that I don't share the same sensitivity level that he does. I actually don't mind cleaning. It's just that he usually beats me to it.

On the one hand, we have "Letter of Recommendation: Mess" by Helen Holmes; on the other, "Making Marriage Magically Tidy" by Helen Ellis.   

Holmes, a mess-lover, focuses her target on social media as the oppressor, making us deny the messy side of our domiciles as we post about our "perfect lives." If cleanliness is strictly in the name of Instagram followers, booooooo. 

Ellis, a major slob, tried to reform for her husband's sake, relapsed, then made a successful comeback. She understood that her mess distracted her husband, and by mindfully keeping things neat and clean, he would see only her. 

Maybe I'll wipe down the stove tonight. 

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Conversate

"It's conversations," my sister tells me. "You have to be able to talk about things." 
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There's nothing more a conflict-avoider (like me) dreads than "talking." Not fun banter, or "how was your day" exchanges. "Talking" as in, "We have to talk." 

Yet I'm also a big believer in living in reality. If a relationship is based on fantastical fluff, it's not worth much. A commitment is only valuable if the nitty-gritty is acknowledged, and yet the couple remain happy and true. 

So disagreements are inevitable. Yet the method how to go about the disagreement is not.  Daphne de Marneffe, a therapist, tells us the best way ("The Secret to a Happy Marriage is Knowing How to Fight"): 
I’ve seen how the best marriages involve people who can deal with strong negative emotions — and who are cleareyed about how hard it can be. They don’t avoid anger, but they don’t indulge it. They tackle hard issues without shutting down. They apologize for their own bad behavior.
What will matter most in marriage is what’s possible on the other side of love’s first blush: conversations that are rewarding, intimate and real. It’s not that we come together in electric recognition and pure understanding, then fall away from that through conflict. Rather, we come together in a rush of passion, then we achieve love through continuing conversation.
Through that conversation we cultivate the essential emotional attitude in marriage: I can try to understand what you think and feel, without it taking away from my own experience. Your reality doesn’t cancel out mine.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Unfinished

In Srugim, a plot line for a number of episodes was the character Hodaya's becoming enraptured with a project, and by the time the credits roll, she's already abandoned it. 
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It's not like I am the master of efficiency. When I was younger, I would constantly become excited about a new project (much to Ma's frustration) and then after going on an eBay spree, gradually lose steam. I've become very cautious now when I buy any arts and craps (Ma's term) materials. 

My current obsession (in case you haven't noticed) are recipes. I bookmark them, I save them, I occasionally make them. I'm drowning in recipes, and although I do experiment with new dishes, it's not as often as my stockpile would dictate. 

Tim Herrera addresses this annoying tendency in "Why You Start Things You'll Never Finish."  It's new and exciting to start something new; however, we tend to underestimate the time and effort required. Also, perfectionism can stall a project further—but if you insist upon perfection, it will never be complete. 

A realistic checklist is recommended, to prevent us from multitasking (which is impossible, whatever they say) and getting distracted. 

But Hodaya? I'm just finding that wishy-washiness irritating.   

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Fearfully Blessed

I have always feared the worst. Even before Ma died, I was constantly aware that all that I cherish could be lost. 

"What are you worried about?" Han asks me from time to time. 

"I'm always worried," I reply. 

Logically, this is no way to live. Will "foreboding joy" (BrenĂ© reference) mean that tragedy will be kept at bay? No, obviously. 

Religiously, this is no way to live. Worry means a lack of bitachon. My worrying is not effective action. My job is to do the mitzvos, and place my energies into that, not fretting. 

Additionally, why do I have anything I cherish in the first place? He gave it to me; it is up to Him whether it remains or not. 

Physically, this is no way to live. Jacking up cortisol levels isn't good for health. 

Joseph Lovett, 72, a filmmaker whose 2010 documentary, “Going Blind,” chronicles the slow worsening of his vision from glaucoma, told me that his best counsel was that “you cannot spend your life preparing for future losses.” It disrespects the blessings of the here and now. Besides, everyone lives in a state of uncertainty. Mine just has funky initials and fancy medical jargon attached to it.
The irony is that there is a million ways to die. Ma's death was caused by a freakishly rare illness that no one saw coming (my go-to fantasy was always a car crash. No particular reason. She was a good driver). 

After her passing, I did experience gratitude that I had the best mother for a pretty good run. I think I was appreciative while she lived, too. I hope I was. 

But I haven't stopped fretting. Now I have Han-related anxiety. "If you die, I'll kill you," I say, much to his amusement. Yet of course I know it's not in his control, nor mine. 

I must breathe, learn to rewire my faulty programming, and simply . . . cherish. Without fear of loss. 

Monday, January 28, 2019

Mennonite to Jew

Mishpacha Magazine featured a story, written by Sharon Gelbach,  a number of weeks ago about a family of Mennonites that decided to be megayer and later, make aliyah. What I found enrapturing regarding their story was not only their free-thinking ways—they don't feel a need to find a specific niche in which to define themselves—but also their emphasis on a positive, rather than negative, outlook.

Akiva and Basya, before converting, home-schooled their children: 
They weren't looking to isolate the children from the negative as much as to have an active, positive influence and to be able to exert greater control over what their children were learning. "If you focus on the negative, saying, 'I'm trying to avoid x, y and z,' they're eventually going to see those things," Akiva explains. "As I see it, you have to say, what am I doing this for? I want to have a say in what's being taught in a positive way."
Regarding where they chose to send their children to school, after moving to Israel:
". . . most of those school representatives expended a lot of energy telling us why not to send our children to other places, not why we should send to them. I'm not saying they're bad, but as I see it, you don't degrade somebody else to build yourself up. They were saying, 'We're better,' rather than, 'Here's what we have to offer.' Bnei Akiva was the only school that said absolutely nothing about anybody else. They basically said, 'This is what we have to offer. This is what we can do.' . . . If you live in a negative mindset, it's going to get passed right on to the children."
Regarding his parents:
Akiva still maintains regular contact with his parents, and speaks to his father once a week. "If you don't teach your children to respect your father, whom they can see, how will you teach them to honor their Father in Heaven, Whom they can't see? It's important to me there is no negativity in the relationship, because that gets passed down to the children."

. . . Akiva credits his father with imparting him with lessons on how to combat peer pressure. "I teach the kids that it's okay to be different. We don't have to be like the world to be part of the world. We have to be able to say, 'I'm okay with being different.'" 
Perhaps because they were outliers in the first place—being Mennonites—the idea of being different is not so difficult for them. But I was so taken with their contentment in choosing their own path, a path that is not defined by a specific group, understanding that there is no right way to be a Jew. 

https://magdalenaperks.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/amish-mens-straw-hat.jpg 

I'm finishing The Weight of Ink by Rachel Kadish, and this line won me over:
People go through life trying to please some audience. But once you realize there's no audience, life is simple. It's just doing what you know in your gut is right.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Fave Recipes VI: Kugel Edition

I'm not really that much of a kugel fan. I can't be in the same room as potato kugel, but that's because I'm a potato monster and can't be trusted to be alone with any spud, in any shape or form. 

Besides for that weakness, kugels in general tend to be a lot of work. There's usually a lot of sautĂ©ing involved, then there's baking time, which can take up to an hour. 

But if I have time, or if I am making something for others, or simply get a culinary bee in my bonnet (happens often) I cheerfully delve in. 

The fun thing about kugels is that they are open to interpretation. Many such recipes tend to be vague outlines for me. If they call for breadcrumbs, I usually use oat bran instead and even then I cheat (I mean really cheat). If they ask for mayo, I omit it and put in an extra egg instead. I never, ever, use soup mix (I'm very sodium conscious; too much salt, and I'm thirsty and retain water like mad). 

Additionally, I like to take a kugel recipe and make them in muffin tins. My sister found cute little ceramic bowls in Amazing Savings and bakes kugels in them. The individual portions are so pretty, and packing away a half-filled baking dish can be a pain (the foil always falls off). 
  • Cabbage Kugel 
I love, love, LOVE sautĂ©ed cabbage (it's a Hungarian thing). I used to make it every day for my high school lunches, I was that devoted. 

To be frank, though, I usually end up eating this by my sister's house. I just don't have the heart to sautĂ© up all that magnificence and then add eggs and whatnot. I'd rather eat it straight. Mine. All MINE! 

True to type, I messed around with a few recipes. Most call for sautĂ©ing an onion (along with the cabbage), salt, pepper, a little sugar. Three eggs or so (I find that to be the kugel minimum) and maybe a little something flour-y. I usually opt for oat bran (gotta be a killjoy!) instead of breadcrumbs, as previously confessed.  

I believe for the below, I used pre-shredded coleslaw mix (a lifesaver).

  • Broccoli Kugel 
I was really shocked when Luke, who's not exactly the healthiest eater, cheerfully plowed through these. 

I got a recipe from my sister but I changed it considerably. I bought frozen chopped broccoli, so mashing wasn't an issue. 

I sautĂ©ed an onion, added the broccoli, then after it defrosted,  some minced garlic gloves, salt and pepper. Then once it cooled off a little, three beaten eggs.  

Into the muffin liners they went, and baked on 350° until firm. 
 
This is one recipe I didn't alter at all (except for omitting the pecans). It was an absolute HIT. I made it for the first time (a risk, I know) when Han and I hosted Shabbos guests for meal. They loved it too. 

I went with this recipe after some research because it was the least "sinful." She uses a small amount of maple syrup, instead of copious quantities of sugar. The flour and oil was the least amount of any recipe I came across. 

I sprinkled some with cinnamon. A lovely pairing. 

Then I had the ingenious idea to top the blech-warmed kugelettes with a scoop of vanilla ice cream (the pareve one from Trader Joe's is aaawesome) and my my my

Han fell so hard for these that he was hoarding them. He couldn't stand the idea that the fridge may no longer contain them. It's definitely in his interests to keep me alive, cackle.

Monday, January 21, 2019

We Don't Know

There is a beautiful photo from my wedding. 

It was taken right before Han was to veil me. My head is turned away from the camera as I am speaking to my youngest niece, who looks like an angel with her flowered updo, her button nose, her pink gown. 

One could assume that I was tenderly interacting with the child. 

I was actually telling her off. 

This "angel" decided, at a very inconvenient time, to come to me wailing, "Everybody is saying I look like Mommy but I don't want to look like Mommy I want to look like myseeeeeeeelf!" 

She really does look like her Mommy. She's a very lucky girl, the ungrateful brat. 

There's another shot floating in the ether of me talking to her with narrowed eyes and gritted teeth. She's old enough to know not to have a tantrum about something so silly, especially in public. She sheepishly subsided once she saw the photographer's lens focused on her adorable face. 

I laugh whenever I see that beautiful photo. I also ruefully realize how often me make that mistake—we see a picture, usually on social media, and make all sorts of assumptions about the people therein. Usually how our lives sucks and theirs must be so so great. 

But we don't know. We don't know.  

I'm not wishing unhappiness on the people in those pictures. Rather, those who become unhappy looking at those people should remember that none of us go through life unscathed. 

A family friend, Mrs. A, was ranting about another woman, Mrs. Z. 

"Her child died," I told her. 

She was taken aback, and quickly amended that now she understands, and won't think badly of her again. 

But do we really need to hear that someone else has suffered before we are willing to cut them some slack? I'm guilty (so so guilty) of this as well. 

We can use our imagination to see outside the picture—and remember that none of live lives of roses. 

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

The Repurchased! VI

I am madly, passionately, violently in love with this product. It has coverage like foundation, but feels infinitely more nourishing. It swipes easily into the skin with my fingertips, blurring imperfections without heaviness. 
https://www.itcosmetics.com/dw/image/v2/AANG_PRD/on/demandware.static/-/Sites-itcosmetics-master-catalog/default/dw0ceb9ce8/product-images/091918_CCCreamExt/it-cosmetics-cc-cream-illumination-neutral-medium-2000x2000.jpg?sw=565&sh=647&sm=fit&q=70
The "Illumination" means that there's a subtle sparkly sheen; now, you know me, I'm usually loyal to matte. It is available in a non-sparkly version which I had bought initially, but Ta commented that my skin was glowing while wearing the illumination version. So I can compromise on my principles every so often. 

While it does proclaim "SPF 50," I do not feel my skin is protected enough with the thin layer I apply, so I use an additional SPF lotion beneath it. 

Originally, it was only available in Fair and Light, so I mixed the two. They have added more shades since, including a Fair Light which matches me perfectly. 
I'm a big believer that cheeks should be buffed pink (and not bronzed), and this is an ideal shade for me. I made mistakes in the past where my blush was too strong a fuchsia.
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The color is also buildable; I apply less on weekdays than I do on erev Shabbos (I also use it for Shabbos Face). I believe it's matte, or at least very close to.
My daily Face involves vitamin c serum, then a layer of liquid SPF, which is topped with the above CC; by the time I'm done, my Face looks rather shiny, as though the whole edifice can slide right off. 
https://images.ulta.com/is/image/Ulta/5081177
A dusting of this, and everything is set, the whole day. Shininess is gone, and stays gone. I don't need my blotting sheets anymore!

Monday, January 14, 2019

Shadchan Documentary

I initially planned to rewatch "The Wedding Plan," but opted for the suggestion Amazon offered, "Make Me a Match," a documentary about three singles and two shadchanim in Israel.
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Technically, it's about an engaged "older" woman (34! Heavens!), an American aliyah-nik, and a divorcée

I was really turned off by the scene when the divorcĂ©e meets with her shadchan (she possesses a well-known reputation, and also set her up with her ex), who crudely describes her best option: Pounce on a widower! 

When shidduchim are rendered as such, as survival of the fittest, I want to puke. Is that how it works? Play the game, roll the dice, be there at the right time, and then you'll get a spouse. 

Gross. I wouldn't want to marry like that.

Ortal, the spunky gal whose wedding is the opening scene, was told by a rabbi to daven for 40 days by the Kosel. She wasn't eager to do it—it was winter, parking sucks, but she davened wholeheartedly, asking Hashem for His salvation. Before the time was up a rabbi called with her shidduch.  

I like that story a lot better than "stalk widowers." Shiver. 

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Adam and Chava

Bruce Feiler was inspired to re-examine the story of Adam and Chava, and discovered messages about love and relationships in the process. 
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1. Modern science will agree: It is not good for humans to be alone. 

2. A couple is one unit, not two individuals operating separately together. 

3. Love is not a passive experience; it is an active one. 
Romantic love is a myth. You don’t choose a partner because you love him. You love that partner because you chose him.  
4. Love is not a meet-cute story followed by effortless bliss. 
But love is not a moment in time; it’s the passage of time. It’s the long-term practice of reinvention, reconciliation and renewal. Love is the act of constantly revising your own love story.
5. When they lose a child at the hand of the other, they grieve together and have another son. (Contrary to popular belief, couples that break up following the loss of a child are in the minority.)

6. Adam and Chava are the first couple, and remain so.
In a world dominated by “I,” Adam and Eve are the first “we.” Just look at how we remember them.
Not Adam. Not Eve. Adam and Eve. Theirs is the first joint byline.
Ma always used to talk about being a "team player." I have a nephew, for instance, who is pretty much in his own head. He's not really that aware of the needs and wants of others. 

Han observes that the "older single" friends of his who moved out to live on their own tended to become more self-minded. When one can live without waiting for the bathroom, running out to grab a forgotten ingredient, or babysitting, that can create a mindset that is hard to adjust to once one is married. 

Adam and Chava are usually referred to as one entity, the first example of a couple. Because they were created together, there was no question about them not being ideal for each other, despite the ups and downs. As Feiler notes, Adam defers to her, rather than God, presumably because of love. They are a team. 

They were created together. They sinned together. They were exiled together. They always remained together.  

Monday, January 7, 2019

Let Girls Be Girls Any Way

When I was a kid, I officially did not want to be a "girlie girl." The books I read always had boyish heroines who played sports and climbed trees. I actually suck at sports—Ma despaired of my inability to catch a ball, unlike her—and I didn't really understand the need to climb a tree. 

Also, to my detriment, I had a weakness for Barbies—but I will contend that to this day, I have an aversion for the color pink. 

I tried my best to be a tomboy in every other way, which meant wearing my brothers' outgrown sweatshirts as casual attire. I was so lame. 

I refused to wear makeup to Luke's wedding, when I was 15. That would definitely make me a girly girl! Although my gown was magnificent and I had flowers in my hair and sparkling jewelry. Eye pencil drew my imaginary, arbitrary line. 

At some point, I stopped fighting. Sephora was calling to me. Clothing that fit was calling to me. Pretty shoes were calling to me. 

I was reminded of my evolution by this article, "Like Tomboys and Hate Girlie Girls? That's Sexist." The author, a feminist that also used to eschew "girlieness," now finds herself stumped by a 6-year-old that loves pink, Barbies, and froo-froos. She realized that by welcoming her older daughter's tomboyish tendencies, she was still valuing masculinity over femininity. 
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Via AlexandraJustineChapman
Additionally, there are plenty of (straight) men who have what could be considered feminine qualities (like a fondness for hand cream), for which they have been mocked. 

As the author, Lisa Davis, explains, makeup is not about being alluring to men. If anything, the majority of my dates found my Face horrific. Rather, it is a "fun and creative form of self-expression."

Especially since the arrival of a number of "girlie girl" nieces, as well as others who are not, I've comprehended there is no right or wrong way to be a girl. As long as "like, whateverrrrrrr" is not part of their lexicon.

Friday, January 4, 2019

TGIF

"How can you know, though," she said, "if someone isn't for you after just one date?" 

Han and I shared glances. "Um, very easily?"

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Rise of the Diets

Every once in a while, a new diet takes social media by storm. There are countless before and after shots of dramatic results proving the great success rate and the grateful customers. "In only three weeks" "In only two months" "In only four days" the testimonials proclaim, along with insane amounts of poundage lost. 

The current craze has pretty dramatic parameters. I know personally that my own body would biologically go berserk if so deprived. 

I've been obsessing a little with body types. A woman I know, after a few kids, is so insanely slender that she looks like she's levitating in her high heels. Then I speak to another three-time mother who's frustrated because she can't shed the baby weight (and yet she's still built something adorable). I wonder at the methods of the women who idly lick an ice cream on the street as they stride on toothpick legs. 

Yet I have not been drawn in by the idea of a dramatic diet plan. I'm not delusional; I know when I cheat. I know when I take too many portions. I know that I have to rediscover my self-control. I also know that weight is not gained overnight; yet many expect to not only shed it overnight, but that will remain a permanent state even if they revert to their old habits. 
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Changing habits is HARD. So, so HARD. Yet more people find it easier to stick with a dramatic, short-term program as opposed to learning a healthier, long-term lifestyle. I'm proud with the progress I made. But I still have farther to go in terms of not letting food run my life. 

Some people prefer all-or-nothing approaches, but that methodology rarely works in general. Going slowly, tackling one bad habit at a time, is healthier and more likely to generate permanent success. It's not like one can do this diet then go back to eating half a challah every Shabbos meal. Change is required. Which is HARD. Blurgle.