Shidduch Myth: All Girls Are Amaaaaazing

In a prior post, I addressed the concept of "good ones being taken," and I would like to expound further. 

This statement is usually uttered by women. Accomplished, capable, bedazzled women sparkling with carefully applied highlighter. Many women, you see, push themselves to be the best, while men . . . well, plenty aren't up to their full potential. 

I've even heard something along the lines of "all girls are good, while men—eh." 

As someone who barely survived high school, I can say that not all girls are "good," whatever "good" means. Does "good" mean presentable and career-oriented? Or does "good" mean getting voted "Never made another girl cry in the bathroom"? 

I've heard tales. One example: One of Han's dates ordered the most expensive steak on the menu, specifying "well done" (I don't even eat red meat, and I know that's a no-no). She barely ate half, and when the waiter asked if she wanted to take home the leftovers, she declined (Han wanted to take it home, considering it was his $85 going into the garbage). 

What about "good" meaning considerate? 

I've met a number of women who are really, on paper, fabulous. But in person, um, er, *cough.* 

I'm not saying that if a guy isn't yet all who he can be he shouldn't pull himself up by his bootstraps. I just tend to socialize more with women than men, so I cannot give many observations about them. 

Here's my take: We're all supposed to be striving to do better, no matter where we are in life. So even if one has the "good job" and "good wardrobe" boxes ticked off, that doesn't mean that he/she is good to go. 

I recall in my single days, when I would be mesmerized at the description of some snazzy lawyer, excitedly wait for a date, only to be sneered and snarled at by some obnoxious specimen. 

So if you've got the work/appearance thing down pat, maybe you could sit down with yourself to see how you could improve further, between yourself and humankind and God. 

One of the positive aspects of being single is that there usually is the time available to self-improve. Believe me, that time vanishes once offspring roll around. Sleep deprivation doesn't leave much time for deep thoughts (think too deeply, you pass out).

So while a shadchan may hawk someone as being amazing because they are professionally accomplished and gorgeous, those criteria do not necessarily mean they are a "good one." 

To be "good"—you gotta do good. Like not talk to your date as though she is an idiot, or max out his credit card.

Thank You For Your Service

I've been reading online nowadays a lot of hate on Gilmore Girls. Which I find surprising. 

Sure, nowadays if there was a show in that vein, Rory would be biracial, at least. 

But it premiered 20 years ago, and that doesn't seem so long ago to invoke "it was a different time." OK, yeah, there are lots of white people, and some are even privileged white people, but I still don't see how that is problematic. 

Han watched it for the first time recently, and through his observations I'm remembering how frustrating it was to see Rory's unspooling through various bad choices. First was handing in the good boyfriend for the jerk boyfriend, then having an affair with good boyfriend, allowing one unpleasant interview to completely undo her self-confidence and send her over the edge, then getting together with maybe not a 100% jerk, but he's still pretty irritating. 

Maybe that was the point. I've seen this sort of thing in real life, albeit not to such an extreme: Girl puts lots of pressure on herself to be perfect, and burns out by the time she's 21. But Rory becomes really unlikable and she doesn't improve in the follow up, A Year in the Life. 

But I found her more believable than her early goody-goodiness. Lorelai was usually the screw-up, and Rory was the adult in the relationship, until she decided to finally have a belated hedonistic teenagehood, which is not a good look on an actual adult. 

Han was complaining about Emily when he first began. "You'll see," I told him, "she'll become your favorite character." And she did. Some people on the forums grump that Lorelai was always saying how horrible her childhood was, but with no details; as I understand it, she could have simply felt "unseen" and misunderstood by her parents. That can be a lonely place to be. 

As we know in real life, sometimes two okay people can have such a bad dynamic that it can be toxic. It doesn't mean one is wrong and the other right. It just means that it's better if they don't spend a lot of time together. 

So, no, I'm not going to hate on Gilmore Girls now, the way a lot of other people are. It served its purpose in its time, and maybe it has become obsolete. In 20 years, lots of our current favorites will be burned at the stake, too.

Chick Lit Musings

Abby Jimenez's Life's Too Short was a pleasant shake-up from typical chick lit. I mean, it's totally chick-lit, but not the usual plot. Oh, there's the inevitable disagreement and the inevitable, dramatic reunion, but it was a less irritating version that usually occurs since the stakes are higher. 

There were a couple of quotes that spoke to me: 

 . . . maybe being a father was just like this. Just being there and doing what needed to be done, one small task at a time until they added up to something good.

Most good meaningful things in life are not one-and-dones. Change occurs over time, all part of countless choices that add up to elevation. Isn't that what Rosh HaShana is about? As long as the majority of choices are the right one, they are the ones that matter, not the minority. 

And: 

I wondered how long the ripple effects lasted after someone died. Maybe until everyone who knew them was dead too? Or was it something that went on for generation after generation because the damage was handed down, touching each new person and changing them, even if they didn't know why? 

Something told me it was that one. 

Obviously, that one made me think. Not just in my own case, but regarding my grandparents, who lost a lot more people than I did. Even before the war—Babi's father died when she was four months old, her mother when she was in her 20s. Everyone else lost their own parents as well as siblings and kinfauna. That doesn't even count further relatives and friends.  

A college professor believed that such damage was visited upon the descendants, such as myself. I wonder if that's why I freak out a little whenever Ta or Han don't answer their phones, and believe me, I did that before Ma died (not Han, obviously, but Ma).

It made me think of the story in the Gemara, of the woman who could not stop weeping for the loss of her child, and she was warned to stop. She could not, and eventually all her children died. 

There is grief, yes, which is considered warranted. But is the damage from focusing only on grief? On the inability to see beyond it, to let it overtake any possible joy?

The narrator was contemplating her family's devolvement following a death. But that doesn't have to be the only option. There is a difference between carrying pain and letting it taint all aspects of life. My grandparents experienced happiness following their agonies, some more than others. 

As Jews, we're pretty familiar with pain. But also resilience.

Don't Panic.

Cosmetics can be brutal. After spending sweat, blood, and tears trying to find the right product, it can be discontinued *finger snap* like that. 

That used to terrify me. So when I came across something I really liked, I would wait for the 20% Sephora sales and HOARD. 

Ma would tell me not to. "Something else always comes along," she insisted, but I refused to believe her. 

Now that HOARD has come to bite me in the keester. 

Back in, ahem, 2012 *cringe* I was smitten with The Sephora Collection Mineral Foundation Compact. So when it was heavily reduced in price, meaning it would be soon saying "adios," I quickly pounced and amassed a stockpile. 

Which I no longer have any use for. 

Because the IT Cosmetics CC+ Cream blows everything else out of the water! With the compact, I would have to apply sunscreen underneath, and then it would be a struggle to powder in the foundation on top—the application would be uneven and would pill. Then it wears off in alarming patches. (This I relearned after trying it again recently.) 

The IT has EVERYTHING. SPF. Coverage. Just the right level of moisturizing (not too much and not too little). If I set it with powder, I don't get greasy. It's beautiful. 

So now I'm sitting on a pile of fool's gold. 

When Han freaks that a product might get discontinued and we must HOARD, I hide his credit card. I have learned my lesson.

"All things are mortal but the Jews"

When I began reading The Assyrian by Nicholas Guild, I chuckled to myself. 

The book is narrated by Tiglath, the son of Sannecherib King of Ashur.

I found it funny that unless one is a major in ancient history, only frum schoolchildren will recognize that name. My mind automatically piped, "The one who sent the 10 tribes into exile." 

The book does not deal with that detail at all. It dismisses the Hebrews as an inconsequential blip in the grand rule of Sannecherib. 

The author is scrupulous in how he writes from the point of view of an ancient Assyrian; in one amusing scene, the narrator meets with a nation of nomadic horsemen, and describes the odd garments they wear while never using the word "pants." 

And so, when he describes what time of year certain incidents occur, he uses the Assyrian months of the year: Nisan, Iyyar, Siban, Tammuz, Ab, Tisri, Marcheshwan, Kisleb, Tebet, Shebat. As a frum Jew, I knew what time of year he meant, even if he didn't necessarily clarify. 

The capitol city of Ashur is Niniveh. We know that one, too. 

Apparently, "Assyria" is the Greek name for Ashur, as there is no "sh" in that language. So the author always refers to the nation as "Ashur" in the book, not "Assyria." 

The book itself has its fallacies; the women, for instance, are all very disappointing depictions. The only lovely female is the narrator's mother, while the rest are manipulating, plotting, oversexed harpies. I expected better of a book written in 1987. 

However, the rest of the tome overcomes that lack. It's over 500 pages, and I can't believe I managed to finish it. And there's a sequel. 

The book says—and Google backs it up—that Sannecherib died at the hands of his own sons. Not a pleasant end. 

But what I marveled at is how no one today is familiar with the ancient empire of Ashur. They are barely aware of Egypt, Babylon, Persia, Hellenization, and Rome. 

Yet Jews are. Jews are one of the few continuous threads throughout the ancient world—that while we were dismissed as a nothing people of barely any consequence in the grand scheme of great conquests, we are still freakin' here. 

We sing Maos Tzur, listing all of our oppressors, and we are the only ones who remember them. We remember them because how else can we marvel at our survival? We are here. They are not. No other nation/religion can claim our longevity. 

*Mind blown*  

"I'm Still Single Because . . ."

Han has a friend from his yeshiva days that he keeps up with. Let's call him . . . Lando. Lando didn't have such a fun time dating either, but he married before Han did and is now proud papa to a small fleet of children. 

He and Han were chatting, and their previous dating lives came up. Lando was opining that as he had moved more to the right than his family, he did not have parents who could advocate for him whilst seeking a bride. 

Han was a bit puzzled by his friend's observation. For one, while he and I are heimishe FFBs, our parents' involvements didn't guarantee earlier marriages. There's only so much advocation parents can do. Even if my father went around shaking his friends by their suit lapels, screaming "FIND HER A MAN, DAMMIT!" it wouldn't have meant that Han would have appeared anytime sooner. 

Additionally, Lando's wife (great gal, I like her a lot) had just started dating when she was introduced to her husband. Meaning they couldn't even have met any earlier. 

Unless Lando was saying that he could have married someone else if his parents were involved? 

In the end, everyone who dates can have a reason why they are still single. They can blame their family, they can blame their religiosity level, they can blame physical attributes, they can blame a lot of things. But there are plenty of people who have "the deck stacked against them" and they still marry when young, even happily. 

So Han and I have the same position: It's when God decides it's time. You can blame whoever you like. But as with everything in life, it's not in our control.

The Love of Mothers

 I've been watching Call My Agent! on Netflix, a French series about, well, agents for the French stars. 

The show focuses more on the younger agents of the firm, but sometimes the crusty old-timer, Arlette, gets a word in edgewise, and she does have the wisdom of age and experience. 

In Season 3 episode entitled "Isabelle," she comes to visit a new mother, who had accidentally become pregnant and hadn't been sure to begin with if she should have the child. The mother is overwhelmed in this new change, questioning her decision. 

Arlette begins to speak of her own experience. "I don't do regrets, you know me. I was a free woman, at a time when it wasn't easy to choose that way of life. People looked at me funny. I partied hard, I worked hard, traveled a lot, I had many lovers," she tells the mother. 

"Yeah, and you had no regrets," the mother assumes. Arlette corrects her impression: "I do. There's one thing I wish I'd had: a mother's love for her child. That's a special kind of love. It never goes away. Yeah, I would've loved to experience that! It can be kind of frightening too. You gotta experience that. Live your life to the fullest."

I found the way she expresses that regret to be interesting. A number of women would say they want a child for the child's love for them; but she seems to see quite clearly that love from one's own children is not a guarantee. However, a mother (typically) loves her own child, no matter what.

It's hard sometimes to have the perspective when a toddler is screaming blue murder—that we don't become mothers in order to receive love, but to give love. That the child did not ask to come here, and that it has no obligations to us (as yet. The kibbud av v'eim thing kicks in later). 

Change and Age

Rivki Silver recently posted her "Goodbye, Sweet Blog" post, saying she will keep to other social media outlets from now on. 

One thing she wrote I would like to repeat:

Just a reminder that when you read a post on the blog, be sure to check the date. Some of my views have changed over the past decade (shocking, I know!), and while I love everything I’ve written here, I wouldn’t necessarily write it that way again, if you know what I mean. 

I would like to repeat that sentiment.  

This blog has also been around for ten years. Sometimes I pull up an ancient post and I wince; I was so young, so sure of my position then. But I don't feel the need to delete the post, because I didn't post things willy-nilly. I was careful not to use my so-called anonymity as a shield to say things that were potentially hurtful. But even so, I was surprised at the umbrage that would surface from some posts. Even when I thought I was being cautious, others did not think so. 

The blog in itself can hopefully testify as to how people change over time. Few of us remain the same as we move through different experiences. Today's person is different from yesterday's. 

I know there are some people out there who are pissed at me. I do think that sometimes they misread what I was intending to impart. Or they that they are simply entitled to their annoyance.

But then again, I doubt we like everything our friends and family say, either. No, I'm not claiming friendship with the unseen readership, but rather from whatever I wrote that they did like would be enough to provide me some leeway. 

The blog was meant as a means to exercise my writing love, and in order to be somewhat interesting, personal opinions will be here, too. If you don't agree with them, cool dat. And also be aware that they can, with time, change as well.