I'm going to confess something to you now. This secret is so heinous that you must keep it to yourselves.
You'll keep shtum, right? I can count on my peeps.
Here goes.
I've decided not to sleep train Anakin.
Was I being a wee bit dramatic? Perhaps. But deciding to or not to do something with one's offspring can unleash a torrent of unsolicited comments.
And I've discovered that the root of all evil in this world is just that: comments.
I mean, anything is up for criticism. Like, anything. And some of these comments can wreak quite a lot of havoc.
Over 20 years ago, by my brother's vort, someone sniffed to my sister, "Well, I'm surprised your mother took someone from that seminary." Sure, that was just what my anxiety-ridden mother needed to hear.
At a Shabbos meal that my sister-in-law hosted maybe ten years ago, she served "sweet chicken," a dish Ma had discovered that had become a fast family favorite. It calls for dipping chicken cutlets in a batter and lightly frying, then smothering it in a sauce and finishing it in the oven.
When a guest commented on its deliciousness, my sister-in-law explained how it's made. "Oh," the guest delicately laughed, "I couldn't make that, it's too much of a patchke."
My sister-in-law blanched. She prides herself in not patchke-ing. (What is bizarre about comments about these if that someone expends more effort in cooking, she finds herself on the defensive?)
"I don't like to patchke either—but the kids eat it all up—I don't make it that often—"
I'm trying to remember if she ever made it again.
Someone lobbed a comment like that at me recently, and I did not like it. I felt initially belittled, then annoyed. Because I'm doing that work, you're not, and yet I'm made to feel stupid?
L'havdil elef havdulos, tv shows have a recurring premise that I do not like. The protagonist is humming along, happy with her choices, when someone makes a comment. Suddenly she's reevaluating EVERYTHING, and makes a drastic change to her life, simply because of a comment.
Back to Anakin.
So why am I not sleep training him?
Quite frankly, it never worked with Ben. I sleep-trained—rather, I attempted to sleep-train him—because "everyone" made it sound like a given, rather than an option.
It was a flaming train wreck.
He's a determined chap when he wants to be, and he howled every night. I would wait outside his door, waiting for him to taper off, only to be awoken in the night when he would stay conscious for hours, chattering away.
The final straw was a few months after his second birthday. He had gotten to the point where he would reluctantly lie down when I put him in his crib, but suddenly he started standing and crying. It was going on for weeks. I got frustrated with him, and even lost my temper once. In my desperation, I asked a mommy group, and a few suggested an ear infection.
It was an ear infection.
He was in pain and unable to express it. It took a few weeks for the antibiotics to work, followed by another bout of teething.
I gave up.
I started cuddling with him at night until he falls asleep. That time in bed helps to soothe any daytime "difficulties."
When Anakin turned 4 months old, meaning he was old enough to be sleep trained, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to do it again, especially since it didn't achieve anything the first time around.
I prowled online. Apparently, sleep-training is NOT a requirement for successful parenting. It is an OPTION.
My friend, for instance, sleep-trained her oldest and it worked fabulously for her. Her daughter loves her crib, loves her sleep.
For some mothers, getting their full night's sleep is necessary in order to function. In my case, listening to my baby cry for hours on end shredded my nerves. When I was younger and tougher, I heartlessly let my nieces and nephews bawl in the crib. But they went back to their parents in a night or two. I can't listen it to it for months.
It actually assuages my anxiety when I am "allowed" to respond to my baby. That's my choice for my peace of mind. Others may choose otherwise, and power to them. I'm not saying my choice has to be everyone's choice.
But I don't want to be put on the defensive. So I lie or evade. "How does he sleep? Like a baby." There are many ways to teich that statement.
It's a big world out there. There isn't only one way of doing things. We can find all the sources we want in order to validate our choices, but it shouldn't be required. So people shouldn't feel a need to comment, and everyone should trust themselves and their choices.
