Do Not Do Unto Others

I was once reading a book review by TaraShea Nesbit about the Mayflower and this line jumped at me: 

If, for the first time in your life, somebody appears to be below you in the pecking order, make hay: Peck them all you will. You might never get the chance again.

I used to wonder how those who married "late" could easily turn around and airily call other singles "picky." Or how someone who was bullied could turn around and bully others. Or how someone who once walked into a room alone and felt isolated could turn around and ignore another who walks into a room alone.

 

I've tried to be careful myself. Han has a few single friends, and I've made a couple of attempts to set them up, to no avail. I tell Han to be sure to tell them that I won't be insulted, and that they should feel no pressure, because I certainly do not want to do to others what which was done to me. 

 

But sometimes I'm not so careful, because the situation is not comparable, and I succumb to my baser urges. I find myself saying something in an obvious attempt to assuage my insecurities, and after I cannot believe I have done that. 

 

The other morning, while getting dressed, my brain went into a pathetic feedback loop about, embarrassingly, my high school principal who really did not get me. I was on a smug, internal rant, until I accidentally stabbed myself in the eye with the mascara wand. Initially I was irritated, but then I realized I had it coming. Do I need to try to mentally change the balance 20 years after I saw the woman last? She's no more the same person than I am. 

 

To be self aware is so freakin' hard.