When it comes to shidduchim, as it does in most aspects of life, people tend to heartily recommend what worked for them, and poo-poo what didn't.
A family friend was a divorced kohein in his 60s, and he was introduced to his second wife through SYAS, so he heartily recommended the service to me. I smiled politely when he did, because there was a bit of a difference between our circumstances. He was on the search for a widow of a similar age, and those criteria shrink the candidate list a bit. At that point in my life, nearly every man on SYAS could have been suggested to me, which was not exactly a targeted search.
For those who met their spouse at a singles event (I know of a number of couples who did), that will be their suggestion. For those who went to a specific "professional" shadchan, that will be theirs.
There was an article recently about matchmaking services (non-Jewish ones) and what to expect. I was very surprised to see the amounts these services charge, sometimes a few thousand per match (that's just the first date, not when the marriage happens). From the people polled, some had a blah experience, some pareve, some happy ending.
It made me think how it's a crapshoot, like with doctors. There is a neurologist that my family had a very good experience with. I was talking to another woman, and when she heard his name she gasped and said, "He's terrible, isn't he?" She wasn't feeling well a number of years ago, and consulted him. As a neurologist (to a hammer, everything is a nail) he prescribed her certain medication.
However, it turned out her issue was with her heart, not her brain, and the medication he gave her could have been deadly for someone with her condition.
There aren't any guarantees. My own experience with doctors has been rather dicey, a one step forward two steps back sort of situation.
That's why we gotta daven, to be sent to the right messenger, who will heal and help, and not hinder.
Keeping things in perspective—that it's not humans who save you, but the right messenger in the right time. It's not the dating websites or the singles events or the professional shadchanim. There is no one way to find your match. They are a means, but that's not where faith belongs.
2 comments:
Feel like this is a relevant post to comment on.
As a long term reader ( I likely started reading pretty early on, when I was for sure not yet in the parsha) your blog has been tremendous chizzuk and support for me. Thank you for always sharing such real and spot on points.
Bh, I recently got engaged and just have had significant clarity that really it's about the right messenger at the right time.
I have a friend who sets people up and told me " Disappointed that I didn’t find him for you" and I told her - if I waited for her to find him, I honestly would not have found him. Things were lined up in the way that it needed to - exactly in the right time and place. And looking back - there are a lot of points where I was sad and felt yayush - but comparing to our trajectories - it wasn't the right time!
Thank you for your longtime readership!
MAZEL TOV!!! So lovely to hear!
It was the same with Han — it was all about the right time, too. When we are waiting we think, "Now, now's good," but it's not. just because we think it is.
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