Lessons from Massacres

I was reading an article about a recent book release called Afterparties, by Cambodian-American Anthony Veasna So, who died before it came out. 

This passage was quoted in the article: 

One young woman says, "Forty years ago our parents survived Pol Pot, and now, what the holy [expletive] are we even doing? Obsessing over wedding favors? Wasting hundreds of dollars on getting our hair done?"

I'm sure you can tell why I was taken with this. 

We call our grandparents "survivors," and whoa, did they survive a lot. Whereas today, some of our difficulties are tied to first world problems—materialism, peer pressure, staying grounded.  

Neither Han nor I had any grandparents by our wedding—his grandmother had died earlier that year. We are both full descendants of survivors, and I wonder what they would have thought about the "stress" of wedding planning nowadays, especially considering the basic simplicity of their own, in decimated towns or DP camps.

But then, for their own children, they didn't say, "Well, we got married with barely anything and that was good enough!" They happily got the gowns and the chicken dinners. 

I suppose, as with everything, it's about balance. Demanding perfection of every minor detail is missing the big picture, losing sight of what is important. 

After our ancestors narrowly missed death, time and time again, we should hopefully have some idea of what that is. 

Name, Rank, and Serial Number Only

Inappropriate questions. Singles get used to them. At least, I did. In a misguided attempt to make the world find me likable in order to get set up, I certainly tolerated more than I should have. 

I'm finding that I now have to relearn intolerance to certain questions. In my earnestness, I think I have to honestly answer every query, even if I don't want to. 

I have a friend that always makes conversation by bombarding me with questions. By the time I've barely stammered a reply to one, another is being lobbed. At some point I'm internally sobbing, "I'll tell you everything I know! Can I have some water and a lawyer?" 

She once asked, "So how's Ben sleeping now?" 

OK, I'll admit Ben's sleeping at night has been a bit of a wild ride. I've also learned that discussing it with anyone is the kiss of insomnia. If I dare say, "Oh, he's doing much better!" guess who's up and chatting at 3:42 a.m. For two hours.

But I didn't know how to wiggle out of this. I have very little finesse when it comes to these things. I tried the blunt route. 

"I'm not saying." 

"OH, it's THAT bad?!" 

Well, I don't want her to think he's a demon . . . 

So I gave more details than I should have.

Guess who was up that night? 

"You didn't have to tell her," Han said, bleary-eyed, come morning. 

"I don't know how to!" I wailed after a jaw-cracking yawn. 

"Just say 'Baruch Hashem!'" my sister said in exasperation later that day. "We're too earnest! We don't have to answer everyone's questions!"   

"Oooooh, 'Baruch Hashem' is good. Vague. Non-specific." 

This is a problem, from what social media has been telling me: people asking questions, demanding details that isn't their business. Sure, my friend probably thought her question was more caring, but I didn't want to answer. I have that right. 

Maybe there's a class on this. 

You Get What You Want

When Han was in yeshiva (many, many, eons ago) there were guys who would talk about what they want in a wife. Some would talk grandly of the size 2 bombshell with the oil well daddy that would apparently be swooning to wed them. 

Maybe a few of those guys married wealthy. Was she a supermodel? Well, no. 

Maybe a few of those guys married va-va-voom hubba hubba. Was she loaded? Well, no. 

I have been having conversations with my sister about the whole dating hellscape, and she has been saying: "You get what you want."  

Keeping in mind that what we say we want isn't necessarily what we want. 

My examples are rather simplistic, I know. But I'm trying to illustrate a bigger concept. 

Take the gal who earnestly describes the boy of her dreams, who is the best boy in Lakewood and is shtark and all that. But then she gets engaged to a tall dark drink of water who is maybe not known for his learning prowess. 

There is a quality that is at the tippity top of the list of desired parameters that, in the end, is what is the most important to every dater that outshines any other wants or needs. 

A woman really wants a refined boy from a refined family, and that's her most important desire. Will she end up with an uncouth clown? Not likely. 

Our deepest needs in a marriage partner will make themselves known while we date. I said that I wanted a nice guy, right, but even when I went out with nice guys, that wasn't always enough. There was another deep seated need that wasn't being met. 

People will try to poo-poo your wants. "Oh, that's not important in a marriage!" That wasn't important in their marriage. A woman I know, who had tried to set me up, was obsessed with eye color. After 40 years of marriage, she's still gushing about her husband's eyes, and she thought that would be a selling point for me, too. 

Eye color was never on my list. It's probably not on many people's list. But it was so important to her that it still makes her happy after decades of marriage. So who am I to mock that?  

The dating climate doesn't allow for singles to be honest about their wants. Eligibility is in the eye of the beholder, and shadchanim tend to sell those that they found appealing, not always hearing their clients' requests. 

Luckily, the Lord takes care of it. Have you ever gone to a vort and scratched your head at the beaming couple, wondering how exactly these two paired off? Despite your confusion, chances are, they got what they wanted.

"Sitting in Discomfort"

Whilst yet another yuntif/Shabbos morning walk, I contemplated. It has been a pleasant reversal, that for quite some time following Ma's death solitary strolls (babies don't exactly converse) were painful, as my undistracted mind wailed and keened. But it has passed (for now) and I can spend the time simply pondering once again. 

I was thinking about a recent family simcha, and how so many approached me with "assurances" that Ma was present (in spirit, obviously). I did not find these statements to be comforting; for one, I do not personally subscribe to that mentality that the dead are even aware of what the living are doing, that they are "released" at certain times to observe. Even if they were, it does not change the fact that in every way that matters, the dead are no longer present, can no longer be interacted with. 

I was then wondering why others felt the need to tell me this. Then it occurred to me: It all goes back to Brené Brown. Brené speaks of "sitting in discomfort," and how difficult that can be for many. 

It is uncomfortable to see a potentially still-grieving family by a simcha, so let's fix it!  

So they say, "Don't be sad, she's here!" But she's not here. And I'll be as sad as I like.

This mentality falls into other awkward social interactions. 

Sitting at a table with an older single? Uncomfortable! How to fix this? Let's roll out the blame game/unhelpful comments! "Did you consider maybe you're being too picky?" or "I would set you up but I don't know anyone for you!" 

Meet a couple who are childless? Uncomfortable! How to fix this? Let's roll out the blame game/unhelpful comments! "Why don't you just adopt?" or "You still have plenty of time!" 

There are many situations in life when one does not know what to say. It is AWKWARD. So we desperately try to fill the air with chatter, trying to assuage our own discomfort, but in the process we do not realize we are uttering painful things.  

I am a work in progress. I am guilty of doing the same, because my mind couldn't work fast enough to figure out that silence would just be better than saying the wrong thing. 

When we were sitting shiva, a Korean man who rents an office near Luke came to be menachem aveil. His English is shaky, and yet perhaps due to his Christian practice and work associates he is very familiar with Judaism. He simply sat next to Luke, his head bowed in prayer, but said nothing. The two sat in companionable silence, sharing a moment, and then he raised his head, smiled, and left. Luke found it to be one of the most comforting interactions during that week. 

Sometimes silence is better than speech. 

"Healthy" is Relative

"These ices don't even have a lot of sugar," he said cheerfully. "It's only 20 grams. A yogurt has 20 grams!" 

I spluttered in outrage. "20 grams is a lot of sugar! Just because there's 20 grams in flavored yogurt doesn't make it healthy! PLAIN yogurt is healthy!" 

Later: "This non-dairy cheese is made from sunflower oil! Sunflower oil is healthy!" he says cheerfully, while tearing into slice after slice. 

I nearly started crying. Yes, if oil is needed to cook, sunflower oil is a healthy oil, but not to just recreationally chow down. Especially since this guy has no issues with dairy, and could have munched on actual cheese. 

I remember reading about a woman who actually majored in nutrition, but when she graduated she still didn't know what constituted as "healthy." Her courses went into the science and biology of the body consuming nutrition, but not how that translated into a beneficial menu.

Because it's pretty darn hard. Studies come out every few minutes debunking previously accepted "fact." I recently picked up a "healthy" cookbook that had been published in 2000. Inside, there was a brownie recipe with no oil, only applesauce, that I found initially promising. But the recipe called for 2 cups of sugar, which I think is a lot considering the small dimensions of the cake. 

Then I realized that when the book was published, fats were the villain. Later, carbs would become the bad guy. In today's day and age, the recommendation would be to focus more on "healthy" fats to help process sugar better, as opposed to it hitting your bloodstream and causing a sugar high, then crash. 

I've tried to stay current. I'm also aware that some diets are healthy for some people, while some are not for others. Celiacs have to be careful with certain ingredients, diabetics with others, colitis sufferers with others. I myself, following a round of antibiotics five years ago, have a trashed stomach and have to work with around a  low FODMAP diet; then my acid reflux restricts my diet further. But each of those diets aren't necessarily healthy for everyone, only for those with those conditions. 

A diabetic was asking if I ever used monkfruit, but since I am not (BH!) diabetic, I see no need to introduce it to my repertoire. I'd rather use real sugar, and be judicious with it. 

Online, there are always epic battles to the death over what is "healthy." 

"Fruit is a healthy dessert." 

"NO IT'S NOT! Fruit is FULL of SUGAR!" 

"But it's healthy sugar!" 

"SUGAR is SUGAR!!!" 

I can't handle all that drama. 

Personally, I have a few ingredients that I try to stay away from. I learned in my teen years that white flour doesn't like me, so I don't use it. When I learned that non-dairy whip is pure trans fat, I can't even look at it. Even though the various coconut offerings are popular—coconut oil, coconut cream, coconut sugar, coconut aminos, coconut flakes, coconut yogurt, coconut water—I hate the taste of coconut, so no coconut has crossed my threshold. 

They say, "Everything in moderation," For me that means: I don't demonize carbs. I don't demonize fats. I don't demonize sugar. I try to consume them all in moderation, as these three still are necessary for the body (okay, I physically don't need sugar, but mentally I definitely do).  

So I smile wryly and shake my head wearily as someone merrily posts a "healthy" recipe, because for me her offering is not very "healthy." At this point, "healthy" is in the eye of the beholder.  

Create Good

I've also started watching 9 Perfect Strangers, which was based on a book by Liane Moriarty, one of my favorite authors. The show takes a pretty large departure from the text, and there's definitely more kink than I would like, but hey, I'm loyal. 

It's about an atypical wellness retreat, headed by the mysterious Masha who keeps it shrouded in secrecy. One of the new guests, Lars, is introduced as not very pleasant. He's mean, quite frankly. 

Lars is gay, and apparently knew that very early on. He has a flashback to his childhood prep school, where his classmates tormented him for that. He became an investigative reporter, trying to sniff out misdeeds and proclaiming them to the world. 

Masha asks him this: Your whole life has been about tearing down. You target the bullies and destroy them. The question is, have you ever nurtured anything?

Well, that line made me think. 

Lars has, all this time, couched his snarkiness in a veil of righteous indignation, but in actuality, he is a bully too. His job may be important, yet he has forgotten about kindness. 

I belong to a few online groups. One member posted a rant, about "those people who don't say Gut Shabbos" and "the people I invited for meals and didn't invite me back." 

I understand her frustration. She's right, it isn't nice when people don't return a greeting or a meal. But her anger is tearing her down. It won't improve the situation. Giving someone the stinkeye for not responding to your Sabbath greeting doesn't achieve anything. 

However, a big smile, despite being ignored, has a far better outcome for everyone involved. It nurtures not only others, but oneself too. 

All Grown Up

I've started watching The Kominsky Method, as I've currently exhausted Grace and Frankie and need to get my elderly kicks somewhere. In general, I like older people—there's often, oddly, less baggage, less insecurity, less bushwa. Who's got time for that anymore? 

I'm not far in, maybe the third episode, but a sentiment has come up more than once. A millennial ascribes their behavior to their childhood, and either Alan Arkin (87) or Michael Douglas (76) tiredly responds, "You're not a kid anymore."

When you're in your 70s and 80s, does childhood really matter anymore? Plenty of people think so. It does leave its mark. But so much more would have happened in the interim. 

I look to my childhood. Who doesn't? But heck, it was so long ago. Does it really matter anymore in terms who I am now and who I want to be in the future? Do I want to be the person crying on the therapist's couch that I can't move forward in my life because I didn't feel validated by authority figures when I was 10? 

When Arkin and Douglas say that line, it sort of highlights a tendency to whine in the current generation, an unhealthy focus on the imperfections of the past when such effort would be better applied trying to improve the future.

Contemplations of Anti-Semitism, Continued

 I'm not a big fan of Sarah Silverman's comedy. She tends, in my opinion, to rely too much on shock and cuss, rather than the nuance of comedy. 

A.O. Scott is one of my favorite movie reviewers—he doesn't stand on intellectualism when it comes to, say, a Marvel film. Is it a good movie? Yes? No? He'll tell you, simply. 

Silverman made a film called "Jesus is Magic" in 2005, Scott did not like it, and Silverman felt that critique keenly. Silverman and Scott were brought together (eons later, puh-leez) to discuss. 

There was one excerpt from their conversation that I was surprised by:  

SILVERMAN [Reading from the review] “Like many … Jewish comedians, Silverman falls back on her ethnic identity as a way of claiming ready-made outsider status.” Would you say that today, or would you ever say that about any other minority?

SCOTT You know as a Jewish person, I would say that because it’s sort of an internal argument, but I don’t think I would say it that way. I don’t think I would say it again without including myself in it.

SILVERMAN Listen, obviously, I agree, and I partake — as so many Jewish comedians do — in this self-deprecation that is Judaism. But as “a false way to claim outsider status” is the actual problem with this gas in the air that is anti-Semitism, especially on, I hate to say it, the left. It’s assuming that Jews are not to be worried about and do not merit allyship. Racism is defined by racists, not liberals, and they don’t like Jews. So, when people say Jews are white, I’m as white as you can be, but if you ask a white person, they’ll disagree.

Continue reading the main story

SCOTT All right. Point taken.

SILVERMAN Sorry, I get passionate.

SCOTT No, I think that’s fair.

SILVERMAN You would never say that about another culture, who also in comedy uses their culture as a way in with — — 

Scott is Jewish (Wiki confirmed through his mother) and yet he himself believed that for Jews to consider themselves outsiders was a bit much. 

Yes, I will admit, that as a Jewish woman I don't really excite much anti-Semitism. It's not like I have a stereotypical hooked nose, cackling over a money sack. But there have been times when I was identified as Jewish, and some unpleasant interactions followed. And I was frightened. 

Even someone who holds few things sacred, like Silverman, knows this. But there are plenty of Jews who refuse to acknowledge the hatred, perhaps in a misguided belief that they are accepted, and from a desire not to be an outsider.

That's what we failed to learn from German "assimilation."