You Get What You Want

When Han was in yeshiva (many, many, eons ago) there were guys who would talk about what they want in a wife. Some would talk grandly of the size 2 bombshell with the oil well daddy that would apparently be swooning to wed them. 

Maybe a few of those guys married wealthy. Was she a supermodel? Well, no. 

Maybe a few of those guys married va-va-voom hubba hubba. Was she loaded? Well, no. 

I have been having conversations with my sister about the whole dating hellscape, and she has been saying: "You get what you want."  

Keeping in mind that what we say we want isn't necessarily what we want. 

My examples are rather simplistic, I know. But I'm trying to illustrate a bigger concept. 

Take the gal who earnestly describes the boy of her dreams, who is the best boy in Lakewood and is shtark and all that. But then she gets engaged to a tall dark drink of water who is maybe not known for his learning prowess. 

There is a quality that is at the tippity top of the list of desired parameters that, in the end, is what is the most important to every dater that outshines any other wants or needs. 

A woman really wants a refined boy from a refined family, and that's her most important desire. Will she end up with an uncouth clown? Not likely. 

Our deepest needs in a marriage partner will make themselves known while we date. I said that I wanted a nice guy, right, but even when I went out with nice guys, that wasn't always enough. There was another deep seated need that wasn't being met. 

People will try to poo-poo your wants. "Oh, that's not important in a marriage!" That wasn't important in their marriage. A woman I know, who had tried to set me up, was obsessed with eye color. After 40 years of marriage, she's still gushing about her husband's eyes, and she thought that would be a selling point for me, too. 

Eye color was never on my list. It's probably not on many people's list. But it was so important to her that it still makes her happy after decades of marriage. So who am I to mock that?  

The dating climate doesn't allow for singles to be honest about their wants. Eligibility is in the eye of the beholder, and shadchanim tend to sell those that they found appealing, not always hearing their clients' requests. 

Luckily, the Lord takes care of it. Have you ever gone to a vort and scratched your head at the beaming couple, wondering how exactly these two paired off? Despite your confusion, chances are, they got what they wanted.