Crisis or Change?

We were sitting around the table, and invariably the "shidduch crisis" came up. I launched into an unofficial TED talk, listing all the factors that created a struggling dating culture in the yeshivish world. 

"But what about the modern Orthodox shidduch crisis?" she asked. 

"There's a modern Orthodox shidduch crisis?" 

"Oh, very much so!" 

"I'm surprised by that. Everyone says that the reason why there's a yeshivish shidduch crisis is because singles can't socialize organically, but you're saying there is one anyway in a culture with organic socialization." 

I was telling over this conversation to Han, and he laughed. "There's a shidduch crisis all over! It's not just Jews!" Which is true. Open a newspaper. 

One of my objections to the term "shidduch crisis" is that we're being very simplistic about the problem. It's framed as strictly an issue about meeting someone and marrying them. Yet what about a divorce crisis? What about the unhappy marriage crisis? 

A childhood friend of mine married at the "ideal" age of 20. She's now divorced with children. How many of those years was she unhappy? Just because she married a decade before me doesn't mean she avoided a crisis. 

A reel popped into my feed about The Gilded Age, the HBO show that takes place in the early 1880s. The nouveau riche Mrs. Russel is determined to dominate the old money New York society that attempts to ostracize her. When an impoverished Duke comes to town, she plots to buy him to marry her daughter, Gladys. Teenage Gladys, however, is "in love" with someone else. 

Mrs. Russel tells her daughter that Billy is a "worthless non-entity" who will grow to resent Gladys. Gladys is not convinced, yet eventually is browbeaten into marrying the Duke, who is a rather nice guy despite the fact he starts a bidding war over who gets to be his Duchess.  

The woman who did the reel (don't remember her name) was saying that while the popular audience reaction is horror at Gladys's fate, considering the times . . .? Women had little to no rights. If a young woman married while young and stupid and in love, there was a strong possibility that man would turn out to be a disappointment. If he was, it wasn't like divorce was easily accessible. She could be trapped for life. So it was of the reel maker's opinion that by marrying the Duke, who could guarantee her status and influence and perhaps a chance of "love" in the future, Gladys would be making a smarter choice.  

This is a very different world than we know of today. 

People want more from marriage. Women don't need to be supported; they can support themself. Men don't need women to keep a functioning home. The state of marriage itself is in flux. 

Singles want more out of marriage. That can mean waiting longer for it.