Sometimes it is a follow-up to compliments on one's appearance: "How come a gal like you is still single?"
They don't mean, "Why is a gal of your intelligence and wit still single?" They mean, "Why is a gal who spends enough time in front of the bathroom mirror making facial contortions while applying paint still single?"
There seems to be a misconception floating about that the bird with the prettiest plumage (although, in the natural world, it is the male) gets snapped up the fastest. But look about the jungle. Are the all the "older" singles physically unappealing? Are all, for that matter, the married or betrothed individuals so incredibly stunning?
It is one of the hard truths of romance: Desirable people attract other desirable people, while the rest of us — lacking in attractiveness, charisma or success — settle for the best partner who is willing to consider our overtures. In the scientific literature, this idea is enshrined in the concept of mate value, which determines who gets to mate with whom. In popular culture, it is reflected in the choice of comely contestants to vie for the equally comely spouse-to-be on TV shows like “The Bachelor.” Pairing off, it seems, is just one more example that life isn’t fair.
But is this cynicism justified? In a paper that we published this month in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, we offer evidence for the seemingly naïve notion that in most romantic contexts your unique appeal is more important than your mate value.
Ah, thank ye, Paul Eastwick and Linda Hunt: "So You're Not Desirable." Yes, physical attractiveness is rated by an initial meeting. But that's not all that is rated.
During an initial encounter, some people generally inspire swooning, others polite indifference and others avoidance. Desirable qualities like attractiveness, charisma and success — the features that differentiate the haves from the have-nots — are readily apparent.
Yet alongside this consensus is an equally important concept: uniqueness. Uniqueness can also be measured.
When asking a long-married couple what is the secret to their marriage, do they ever say, "He aged fabulously, keeping his looks. After all, that's what makes a relationship."
Personality affects the physical rating. From my perspective, personality really affects the physical rating. Some guys sashay into the initial meeting, oozing charisma, but I pull back. I don't care for oozing charisma. Even though he may resemble a male model, he has all the charm of an unwanted cockroach.
But that's me. To another female, he will be irresistible.
. . . it is crucial to keep in mind the obvious (but underappreciated) fact that most people do not initiate romantic relationships immediately after forming first impressions of each other. One recent study of a representative sample of adolescents found that only 6 percent reported that they and their partners formed a romantic relationship soon after meeting.
It seems most likely that it is the consensually desirable people who pull off the rare feat of quickly leveraging an initial positive impression into romance, while a vast majority of us get to know our romantic partners slowly, gradually, over time. Most of us have networks of opposite-sex friends and acquaintances. And even though we would never consider many of them as romantic partners, for a handful, all it would take is the right moment and a spark. These are the contexts that produce most romantic liaisons — and as our recent work shows, these contexts reveal very little consensus with respect to mate value.
In my case, it has happened that my date can't stop smiling when he initially picks me up, but then a few hours later can't wait to unload me. Even the gal who spends a lot of her life shopping, weight maintaining, cleansing, exfoliating, tweezing, makeuping can't catch a break.
Perhaps I've always known this, and that is why I have never thought or said, "Golly, no wonder she's single, she looks like she just fell out of bed." Singleness and shlumpiness are two separate things. I've also never understood it when single girls complain, "I can't wait to get married; then I won't have to blow my hair/get my nails done/have to be dressed up anymore."
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| When I can look more like the image on the right I'm just happier. Men aren't in the equation. |
Yet again, "Whatever you do, you do for yourself."
18 comments:
Hey, have u seen this site fitbay dot com? Its the coolest online clothing site ever!
I haven't heard of it! Sounds so cool - after all, everything is in the fit. I mean everything.
The site still needs some work. It needs better filters, and a more intuitive way to actually shop. But aside form that its really cool. Its a brilliant idea. And its brand new, so they're still working out the kinks.
Also, have u seen the L'Oreal "makeup genius" app? Its a pretty cool concept. I love when technology actually does useful things (not like I can really use the app, but still).
Oh, and another new-ish clothing site that is pretty nice is mmlafleur. Their stuff is well priced and mostly tznius.
Hmm! Interesting! I'm usually a few years behind the technology.
Please tell me you have sisters so that is why you know about M.M. Lafleur. ;)
There's another company which has a similar product, but its an in store thing. I think they're partnering with Sephora to have it in their stores. Cant remember the name of it though.
I do have sisters, but thats not how I know about it. My mistresses have good taste :-p Lol G-d forbid. They've had a few write ups in business magazines recently, and I checked out their stuff. Its quite nice and not all that expensive. And they have an interesting backstory.
That the "Color IQ" shtick. You - I mean, girls - can use it online as well. The annoying thing is (to which you cannot relate) is that even though a makeup can match one's skin tone, it won't necessarily have the right formulation for that skin type. I've been running around in circles the last three months.
Interesting backstory? I love a good story. Must look up.
The company I was referring to is called modi face. Or still being rolled out in stores.
Don't they make those makeups that automatically adjust to skin tone & type?
Yeah. She was an advisor at Bain and decided elegant clothes were too expensive, so left and started MM Lafleur.
I took a look at the Modiface, very interesting. I'm not sure, however, if it is really so accurate; OPI Dutch Tulips appear plum when it is actually pink-orange-red, Big Apple Red looks hot pink when it is orange red. I think they still have to work out some kinks.
There is no such thing as a magic bullet, I find. If a makeup could automatically adjust to skin tone and type, then I would freak because there are Borg entities swimming in my foundation.
The search for elegant clothing is a toughie.
I don't think the modiface's strength is it's app. I think it's main thing are these computers it's rolling out to stores that are apparently quite accurate.
Doesn't Dior have some self adjusting products? A quick google search is telling game they actually work quite well at adjusting with the average person. They don't work well with dark skinned people.
You're telling me. Guys have a lot harder time finding nice clothing. Everything is always the same. Finding unique yet elegant clothing is a nightmare.
Having self-adjusting products isn't the same as performing correctly. I go by reviews (tons and tons of reviews) - you men, you think makeup is all the same.
Ma and I buy the men's clothing for the family. She walks around with a tape measure in her purse so she can measure shirt sleeves.
I guess. The little I read told me that those and that another company Perricone MD had ones that worked well. Just not for dark skinned people.
Ugh. That's a pet peeve of mine. Shirt sleeves that are too wide and end up drooping. It looks awful. (Side note: I only wear long sleeve shirts, but never wear the sleeves down. Always rolled up. Just a thing if mine). Also on the list are guys wearing ankle socks with a suit, and not wearing a belt when the style of clothing clearly dictates that one is needed. Oh. And a dark undershirt that is seen through ones shirt.
A man who actually has opinions about wardrobe!
Haha. I'm very opinionated about everything. Including both men and women's wardrobes.
I hate the whole only black thing that seems to happen to frum girls. Thank god chabad girls are dress in color. It always seems like people are at funerals. Thank goodness they haven't yet started wearing black jewelry!
Another peeve is kitten heals. There is nothing more unflattering. The list goes on :-)
To clarify: The frum don't wear black to funerals. If anything, white is probably our color of death, like the rest of Asia. The kittel is one's burial shroud.
I wear color, but sometimes all black cannot be avoided. If I find a dress that is stunning with sleeves and long enough, I am not going to walk away from it because it is black. You men, you think that I turned down the same dress in turquoise that was hanging right next to it. At least, that's what Ta seems to think.
Kitten heels, concur.
Now, I happened to have gotten a sample of Perricone No Foundation Foundation, not because you mentioned it, so if and when I eventually review it I don't want you claiming you gave me the idea. :P
True say. Black does still have a kind of gloominess to it. Me thinks.
Maybe not you, but I'm sure many girls do. I remember when my sister was in Bais Yakov, shed come home from shabbotons laughing how she was the only girl out of like 2 / 300 wearing color. There's this great little place she likes here in LA called veronica m ( can be found at veronicamclothing.com) that sometimes has stuff thats completely tznius, but very vibrant. For some reason a lot of frum girls think they can't wear anything with any 'life'.
Hahaha. My earlier comment shall stand to bear witness ;-p Did you know it existed beforehand?
What are your thoughts on pearls? Those are another pet peeve of mine. Pearls can be really nice, but they add a lot of maturity, and I think really need to be worn with caution. Otherwise, they can really age the person.
Black makes skin look vibrant and glowing, and makes figures look more svelte. There is a reason why Coco Chanel was a fan.
It's not that they think they can't, but maybe they are afraid to stand out and show any individuality. Maybe they just have gloomy personalities. Not everyone is vibrant.
I did know it existed. I am the Frumanista.
I adore pearls. There are a few gemstone colors that can be aging and harsh, but pearls add a flattering, age-defying glow. I hold the opposite from you, alas. I think people don't wear them enough, holding back. Wear them in great abundance!
Ah, brow shaping. Thanks for the link - I am flattered considering the multitude of blogs out there, I am the one synonymous with makeup!
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