Monday, March 12, 2018

How to Stay Sane While Dating: V

"Do you have a tall brother?" she inquired hopefully.

"He's long married," I said apologetically. 

"Your husband, then? Does he have tall friends?" 

"Um, not available ones . . ."

"I know this girl," she said, "beautiful, from a good family, accomplished . . . but she's tall." 

Well, so am I.

She continued. "My son is tall, and he married a tall girl. They have two boys now, at the moment, but what if they have a daughter? She'll have such a hard time." 

When I grasped my power of speech again, I said, "In some ways, yes. But that just weeds out the incompatible ones. Instead of going on a hundred pointless dates, she'll go on fifty. But Hashem sends you the right one in the right time. He sent me mine." 

"It adds obstacles," she said furiously, ignoring my words. 

Raise of hands, single gals: How many of you are over 5'8"? Hm? Have any of you noticed that that only tall girls are single? No? Interesting

Don't buy into the blame game. A woman I know of gave a speech, claiming that because of her brothers' medical conditions, she was an "untouchable" in shidduchim. She later ventured away from the fold, and veered back at a later point.


I suppose it was validation for the unconventional path she took, but she is married today. Is she saying she would have preferred marrying someone who is not her husband? Hmmm. 

If you make something an issue, it becomes an issue, because you gave it mamashus. If you refuse to feed into it, it fades away. God doesn't know the situation He put you in? He has someone lined up for you, not "despite" it. "It" is one thing. Your bashert is another. Hashem is there for both. 

Blame also creates bitterness and envy, enemy of happiness and joy. One cannot be happy and play the blame game. It's impossible. How can one serve Hashem without simcha? 

I hope this grandmother will be able to rejoice when she has a granddaughter, instead of worrying that the infant might be tall and that could mess with her marriage prospects (Good Lord). The One who brought her into the world has her future taken care of. 

And imagine my annoyance when I found out her eligible bachelorette was the unfortunate age of . . . 22.   


Daniel Saunders said...

I don't agree. I interpret bashert differently, with sources. Some people really do never marry (several in my family). And some issues ARE major. My geekyness, the fact I never went to yeshiva may or may not be issues; my serious, treatment resistant mental health issues are much more problematic. Women won't date me, shadchanim won't work with me. I'm 34, but I have only dated six women. I'm not connected to ny community enough to get set up on dates. My therapist and rabbi are telling me not to date. I feel like HaShem hates me and is punishing me - I mean regarding my mental health but specifically here. I find it hard to imagine that I deserve for Him to move me towards any kind of happy ending (again, generally as well as with marriage).

You have my permission to say"I told you so" if a miracle happens and I do get married, doubly so if I'm young enough to have children.

Daniel Saunders said...

Sorry if that sounded angry or harsh, it was not my intention. Just that my life seems to be a wreck at the moment (not just dating, but career, mental health, community, social life, religious life, everything). It's become easier to think of myself as a complete rasha who deserves being punished and to whom nothing good could ever happen than to get hopeful and then have my hopes dashed again, as has been happening for so many years.

Anonymous said...

Love your ending line, PL!

Princess Lea said...

DS: I am sorry for your pain. I apologize if I exacerbated it in any way.

A rasha? Killed any puppies lately? I don't mean to be facetious, but there can be a middle ground. My mother was most certainly not a rasha, but she died "young." My father, my siblings and I do not think that we are rishaim either. Bad things happen to good people. That's accepted in Judaism. As for the why?

We do not know.

We are all beinonim. Most of us are trying our best. We don't know why we are given the burdens we are given.

We can still think kindly of ourselves without raising our hopes. I hope you do find a place, a mindset, that can give you peace without being so hard on yourself.

Anon: I nearly went berserk when she told me, after her wailing upon this gal's going to waste.

Daniel Saunders said...

PL, thank you for your comment. I should really be the one apologising, for making an issue out of something that was not an issue. Things are hard at the moment and sometimes innocent things set me off, which is an explanation, but not an excuse.

I do find it hard to think kindly of myself. It seems too much like letting myself off for the things I do wrong. I read a book by Rav Twersky about self-esteem when he says that this is not the case, and that excessive guilt can actually perpetuate aveiros (which is definitely my experience), but I still find it very hard to internalise.

And, yes, I do wonder why other people's lives are so different to mine, and wonder whether I will ever experience any of the happiness that other people seem to have at least some of the time, but as you say, we can't know why some people go through hard times. But, again, it's one thing to know it and another to internalise it, particularly on days when the depression is raging and I feel I just can't cope with it for another minute.