Happy Listening

I have to admit that I'm not the best of listeners. I am prone to waiting impatiently for the other person to stop speaking so I can finally talk. Or barrel over them completely. Cough. 

Reading "Talk Less. Listen More" was educating. This segment jumped out at me: 

You also want to avoid asking people personal and appraising questions like “What do you do for a living?” or “What part of town do you live in?” or “What school did you go to?” or “Are you married?” This line of questioning is not an honest attempt to get to know who you’re talking to so much as rank them in the social hierarchy. It’s more like an interrogation and, as a former C.I.A. agent told me, interrogation will get you information, but it won’t be credible or reliable.

In social situations, peppering people with judgmental questions is likely to shift the conversation into a superficial, self-promoting elevator pitch. In other words, the kinds of conversations that make you want to leave the party early and rush home to your dog.

Instead, ask about people’s interests. Try to find out what excites or aggravates them — their daily pleasures or what keeps them up at night. Ask about the last movie they saw or for the story behind a piece of jewelry they’re wearing. Also good are expansive questions, such as, “If you could spend a month anywhere in the world, where would you go?”

I never liked being asked what I do, and so don't usually ask that question. Because what people do for money rarely has to do with who they are. 

It reminds me of an episode of "Will & Grace," where the two go to a wedding. Will is tired of the faces people make when he tells them he's a lawyer, so he lies and says he's a professional tennis player. Another guest says, "Hey, you must know this guy, he's a professional tennis player too!" Will is sweating, but the guy covers for him. 

Will thanks him, and asks what is it really like to be a professional tennis player? The guy says, "I've no idea. I work for the IRS. You know how people respond to that? It's like, 'Hello, I've just killed my family.'" 

You see? 

But Han pointed out that walked up to a stranger and asking about their hobbies right off the bat would be weird. True, it was once done to me and I thought that was a bit presumptuous. We have to be a bit chummier than that before I start spilling my personal beans. 

Yet if someone asked me something innocuous, like, "I'm on the search for a good book. Have you liked anything recently?" or "Isn't this salmon delicious? I wonder what they put on it. Do you like cooking at all? I'm impossible with fish." It's less interrogation, more chatty.