Wednesday, November 26, 2014

If Only—

Modern people have problems dating, you see, because by them men and women casually socialize outside the realm of dating-for-marriage. Sounds good in theory, but there is a downside. It could mean that some are afraid to jeopardize good camaraderie with a date request, so the relationship remains in the friend-zone.

In the case of large communities of chummy singles, there are so many guys and girls congregated in one location that individuals may feel that something "better" is out there, and never focus on one in front of them. 

Yeshivish people have problems dating, you see, because since guys and girls don't socialize at all until they are "of age," they don't know how to interact with the opposite sex. The parents, therefore, do extreme "due diligence," asking all sorts of prying and often ridiculous questions before they are willing to let their child go out, fearing ensnarement of their clueless offspring. 

Okay, so the modern people have problems because the singles interact, the yeshivish people have problems because they don't interact. 

You know what I think is the cause of the "shidduch crisis"? Print media and Youtube. 

Articles are seriously typed, claiming everything would be just fine and dandy if only—

Videos are diligently filmed, claiming everything would be honky dory if only—

Well, you know, my life would be so great if Moshiach were here? Like, now? Then I wouldn't have to put up with this twaddle, amongst other things. As for the rising divorce rate—in all frum spheres—let's just ignore that.

The "fact" is, the many "if only"s hurled to the frazzled public won't happen any time soon. Matters are what they currently are. Maybe in another generation or two, thought processes may evolve into something more ideal, but I doubt they would ever achieve a flawless system.

Everything would be just utopian if it wasn't for this stinking shidduch crisis. It would be as superb as if Moshiach were here . . . oh. 

Golly gee, maybe things aren't meant to be perfect!

The marriage relationship is undergoing a mutation, an x-marriage, if you will. (Hm, maybe that's the wrong term.) We insist, we demand, we shove two unwilling singles together, and demand, "Make it work!" We throw a motley crew of unattached guys and gals into one room, and refuse to let them out until at least one engagement is announced. Then the dating websites are invoked as a panacea.

Stop trying so hard, that's my belief. Even if I pin down every shadchan alive to the ground and order them to take down my contact information, I cannot summon Han onto my doorstep unless the Beshefer sends him to me. 

No ifs about it.    


Daniel Saunders said...

I'm Modern Orthodox, but I didn't refrain from asking women I knew out because of fear of jeopardising the friendship, but from fear of rejection in general. I think when I did ask some of them out, I may have been stuck in the infamous friend zone - they thought of me as friend, not a potential partner; I got the "You're a great guy but..." speech a lot (or maybe they just didn't like me and were being polite).

Golly gee, maybe things aren't meant to be perfect!

I don't mind trying to solve a real problem. My complaint is that the shidduch crisis doesn't seem to me to be a real problem, but an imaginary one made up (a) to provide some illusion of control over something largely outside human control and (b) because parents always worry about marrying their kids off. They always have and always will.

On a totally unrelated note, I saw this in the paper today and thought of you, although it is probably old news to you.

Princess Lea said...


Personal problems are more likely to get solved than greater societal problems since one individual (unless, maybe, he's a navi or a melech) can demand/dictate certain behaviors/practices.

Life nowadays is pretty awesome compared to what it used to be not so long ago, and that was just how people lived life. Now, everything must be here on demand, like my morning toast. If I am not married now, so that means there is something terribly wrong with the world because I don't have what I want RIGHT NOW.

I've heard about that alternative fasting thing, but I am currently Rambam-ing, and that works for me. Yes, calorie restriction has been found for better, health, but that just means don't eat out and choose fruits and vegetables (and fries don't count). I don't think I know how to starve myself anymore, and I don't seem to have to. Ah, Rambam.