Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Lost in Translation

"I do shidduchim," she says proudly. 

For a brief moment, I experience a naive flutter of expectation. 

"Are you interested in singles events?" she continues eagerly. 

The flutter morphs into the creepy-crawlies. 

"No, not really." 

"Oh, I totally understand. The typical singles events are the worst. No one talks to each other, only one girl or one guy gets mobbed. But this is different: a speed dating event!" she concludes with a dramatic flourish.

Nope, no improvement. So instead of spending an evening fending off unwanted advances (and being ignored by anyone potentially intriguing), now I would be forced to have conversation with those I am trying to avoid. 

"Look, I've done those Shabbos-meal-things—"

She shakes her head in derision. "No, no, those are terrible!"

I blink. Why are they terrible? She didn't let me finish my point, and I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say that in essence, those Shabbos-meal-things aren't much different from speed dating, and it is actually less awkward. Since the whole table interacts, everyone gets a feel for what everyone else is like without shoving two people together at a table and demanding polite chit-chat. 

"How about simply setting up a date?" 

"Well, that's difficult," she says with a defeated shrug. "The guys don't want to go on dates." 

If a guy has any hope of marriage, yet refuses to date, chances are none in your roster is for me. Unless that is the excuse being peddled around nowadays by those who arranged explosive evenings and were then blacklisted?

Do I have to, once again, define what "shadchan" means?

8 comments:

The Professor said...

So, as usual Im gonna leave a comment thats completely not connected. Its just that this is the place where I can talk about beauty products & the like :-)

Thoughts on a few products which I thought seemed cool:
SK-II Power Eye Cream. Apparently it protects the under eye area from wind, which sounds pretty cool

Then there is Davines OI All In One Milk. It apparently offsets hair damage caused by frequent blow drying.

Lastly, there is Clarins Instant Light Lip Comfort Oil. The stuff sounds really cool, and looks quite pretty. Apparently it both hydrates the lips, and serves as a kinda gloss or what not.

Have u ever tired any of those, or for the second time, have I clued you in to beauty products of which you werent aware? :-p

Princess Lea said...

I must ask, although you have the right to remain silent: Do you use face-firming products? If you do, I salute you; you'll be the handsomest, most youthful fellow in shul.

SK-II: I'm familiar with the brand, but I believe their focus is based in rice-fermentation or something, whereas when it comes to anti-aging, so far retinol and AHA are king.

Second, the cream comes in a tub, which means every time a finger dips in and out there is contamination and the degradation of the ingredients. I make a point to purchase items with pumps or squeeze tubes.

The milk looks quite intriguing. I live in so much terror that my hair will disintegrate, I don't heat-style it anymore.

The lip oil, due to its ingredients, will have to get the ax; my skin breaks out from jojoba oil (learned that the hard way).

Now for the confession: No, I had not heard of these products before you. You win this round. ;)

The Professor said...

I don't currently use a face durning product. But I guess now ima have to try one. How can I turn down being the handsomest and most youthful looking guy in shul? Is there a specific one you suggest?

True say about the tub. I've always found them gross, though I never thought about the degradation of the actual product. Now that I think of it, I'm 100% on the tube team.

The milk does seems cool, and it apparently solves an issue all girls live in fear of. And aww on the oil. I like that product.

Wow. What? Really? None of those three? See, now I'm not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed, that as a straight guy who doesnt work at Sephora that I knew of three beauty products you didnt.

Princess Lea said...

Hoist on your own petard. But, I can recommend creams that don't smell girly nor come in pink bottles:

http://www.amazon.com/Alpha-Hydrox-AHA-Enhanced-Lotion/dp/B000052YM7/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421851894&sr=8-1&keywords=alpha+hydrox+lotion

and

http://www.amazon.com/M2-Skin-Recovery-Moisturizer-Ounce/dp/B001PP3OIE/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1421851916&sr=8-5&keywords=m2+technologies

You'll be stuuuuuuning.

The Professor said...

Hmmm. I was looking at other products like that that say theyre specifically for men. They all seem to say for men aged 40 and above. I got more than a decade and a half till im there... Is it really "needed" for a young'un like me?

Princess Lea said...

It's not about "need." Think of it this way: There are plenty of people who have bomb-proof basements stocked with canned foods, in case of the apocalypse.

That's just "in case." Aging is inevitable, and if you hit it head on, the effects won't be so obvious. At this moment, sun damage is creating microscopic lines on your face. By putting on cream now, they won't surface when you're 40. At 40, untreated, those full-fledged wrinkles will need more work to disappear.

Am I terrifying you? Good.

The Professor said...

Harumph. I'm one of those ppl who has stuffed stocked for the when the zombies attack. I have guns, ammo, body armor, food, water, crowbar etc. Its really important. You dont want to be caught flat footed by the zombies.

I guess that makes sense. Youve convinced me. There was this one for men with dead sea stuff which seemed nice, but it was in a tub. Loreal had a mens one in a can spray like thing which I guess is better.

Not really. Wrinkles are by no means my greatest fear.

Princess Lea said...

Zombies just eat brains. Wrinkles and dark spots . . . Oh, God, no! No! NO!