Snake Oil

"To the girl who wrote in last week about her struggle with shidduchim: Why doesn't she register on a dating website?" 

That seems to be the new go-to response: "Oh, no dates? Well, you're not doing your hishtadlus, duh. You have to go online." 

To clarify, I am not bashing online dating. It can be, for some, a viable option for those sinking in this dating quagmire. But when did it become a magic bullet? 

It's not like there is an overwhelming majority of newlyweds who met online. In terms of online frum success stories, I doubt the percentages are mind-blowing (although I don't have any numbers to prove my disbelief).

When one (such as myself) hits a dating drought, there is usually a sensation of helplessness, that I need to do something more. There are a number of sucky situations in life, one can find oneself in, and a typical knee-jerk reaction would be to seek some form of control.

The whole realm of bashert, by definition, is out of our hands. No matter how much I plot and plan, I cannot meet my one-and-only based on my efforts alone. While once we were admonished to avoid the whole "kochi v'otzem yadi" pride, bitchon is now the enemy of the single.

"Trust in Hashem is very nice and whatever, but you are obviously not doing sufficient hishtadlus."

Is online dating the next necessary step, following basic hygiene, in order to find one's bashert? I would say not. It is an option that can be selected from one's free will and comfort with the whole enterprise, but is it a biblical imperative? 

I was talking with a survivor, and I mentioned the term "hishtadlus"  in passing.

"What is hishtadlus?" she asked, brows furrowed. 

"Um, like, you do your part, and Hashem does the rest." 

She shrugged. "I've never heard that before." 

Huh. 

If a girl who is besought with frustration and loneliness seeks some sort of support, why can't responders simply be empathetic, instead turning the screw by heightening her own feelings of inadequacy? 

When it comes to empathy, singles tend to go into a separate category. I'll be the first one to say that the trials and tribulations of singlehood are pretty mild, and don't compare to other "crises," but is it so hard to fake sympathetic noises instead of throwing the internet as a cure-all in our faces?