Monday, June 22, 2015

Battle of the Bulge: Staying Strong?

The universe is conspiring against me. 

I nearly wept in joy as I saw the never-before-seen number where the scale needle parked triumphantly. But as soon as I launched into a victory dance, I was clobbered with a terrifying thought: How am I going to maintain this? 

It was Sunday morning, and my stomach's exploits on the Sabbath day had yet to register, but I was basing my hope on being a good girl for the rest of the week. 

That afternoon was a family barbecue. 

I'm not going to fall on my food, I sternly told myself. I am going to chew slowly. I am going to let my meal register . . . 

Fasírt! Ooooh, they are so good!

I went home groaning with a uncomfortably swollen belly. My overdoing the situation was so bad that my stomach felt as though I had swallowed a pillow for two days, so painfully stretched was it. 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, I sternly told myself. I can fix this. All I need is a week or two . . . 

But happy birthday to my niece, to be celebrated with an impromptu . . . barbecue. 

I sigh in resignation. After all, there are baked beans! Oh, I love baked beans. I suppose one hot dog can't hurt, chased by constant bean refills.

Back to a really angry malformed stomach.

The days following these two indiscretions were strict damage control, with two basic strategies: 

(1) Butternut squash or green soup for two meals and
Via, and it tastes much better than it looks.

(2) Even more liquid in water and green tea (decaf, and it tastes so nasty)

My menu is usually devoid of sodium; ergo, when I wake up the morning following, let's say, a barbecue, I am dying of thirst, due to excessive quantities of salt in the processed and over-spiced offerings. Now my plan is to flush all that water-retaining sodium out of my system. 

Additionally, soup has worked out well for me as the means to stay on weight. Committed the sin of gluttony? Soup will be thy savior; when solids are blended with water, they keep one fuller longer, meaning less indiscretions.

The moment of truth, ladies and gentlemen, as she approaches the scale several days later . . . 


I bow ecstatically to my invisible audience as they hail my achievement. 

"I would like to thank the fruit store, for always being there for me; the pots and pans, of course, without you none of this would be possible; tupperware, for carrying my lunch with me, you have been my most dearest friend—" 

Ring. Another barbecue, this time for an upsherin. Great. 

Off to chop some cabbage.        

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