Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Trigger Happy

It had not been a good day.
Despite the fact that my single state primarily involves, well, me, some supposedly "concerned" individuals concluded this "tragedy" is not only of epic proportions, it is also my fault. 

Shame on you. Blame on you. Your fault, your fault, your fault. 

You won't go out with that specific guy. You won't go to an uncertified "dating coach." You have this stupid belief that Hashem makes the matches. And while you have gone to 500 shadchanim, you didn't contact the 501st. 

See? Your fault. 

I was fine until they showed up. The ensuing agony was all the worse because I thought they were on my side, the ones who are supposed to give me unconditional emotional support. Instead, although they have never set me up, they decided to grimly mount their pedestal of righteousness and mete judgement upon me, then clamber down go about their day while I wallow in a pool of my own spilt blood, purpling with bruises. 

I needed comfort. As I have discovered, the best place to look is in Tehillim. In mine, there is a page which lists which psalms to say in certain situations. I was torn as to which situation I was in. Was I seeking peace? Hashem's guidance? Did I need to express gratitude? How about simply being in a bad place? I opted for the basic "finding one's spouse": 32, 38, 70, 71, 121, and 124.
I chose to read the English first, by the dim light of my Kosher Lamp. As I absorbed the words, I became puzzled. It didn't say anything in these p'rakim about finding a spouse. It was all about being pursued, how sinned upon I am, and how Hashem will redeem and save.
Not the right perek, but I couldn't resist the girl archer.
I closed the Tehillim soothed, but confused. That had been my daily (weekly, monthly, yearly) experience, being judged and condemned, attackers snapping at my heels, and so I was pacified. Although, I don't wish these individuals harm; I just want them to leave me alone, if they opt not to help me. 

But why these specific psalms, for all those unmatched men and maidens? Nothing in there about how tough the singles scene is, or unfulfilled purposes, or even loneliness. Perhaps because nothing has changed, even since the ancient world: The God-given situation one has been placed often has the bystanders blaming the victim.

I know why they blame—basic Brené. They fear being caught in the same helpless web, and erroneously believe that by sneering and shunning they can avoid that trap. 

I can't expect someone who got married 1-2-3 at 21 to understand. I wouldn't. I only understand because I am here. 

For all those out there, who observe others and don't understand—take the finger off the trigger.
Me included.


Single on the Scene said...

I feel for U Hun. I'm in the same predicament myself. All those people try to find 'some reason' to blame our status on, which can be 'picky', not seeing more shadchans, not doing 'our' Hishtadlus, etc.
Just ignore them. They're not trying to hurt you, just trying to find reason. But there IS NO reason. It's all part of a plan. We have to keep positive, keep busy and keep smiling. That's why we blog :)

Princess Lea said...

True! Bloggers unite!