I am a ponderer, a ruminator by nature. I need time to calculate, plan, consider, mull, etc. At times, suddenly there will arise from the incoherent roil of thoughts an "AHA!" (in this case, "Aha!" being synonymous with "Eureka!", as opposed to alpha-hydroxy acids).
Additionally, what I have also realized is that I can have heard this same exact concept elsewhere, nodded in agreement, yet still had not truly internalized it. I have noted that there can be epiphany-lag between a brilliant point told to me and a brilliant point "AHA!"ed by me.
This happened on a morning in shul, when, to my embarrassment, my mind floated ethereally, not quite focused on the page. The reason, perhaps, for this lack of attention was due to my previously implemented cop-out: I'm too fakoched to daven.
"Fakoched" needs more than one word to translate. It's like . . . anxious preoccupation that is so overwhelming that one has difficulty seeing beyond oneself. So those mornings when your next door neighbor doesn't respond to your cheerful "Good morning!", and her brow is furrowed and her mouth is twisted, yeah, she's fakoched.
My reason for being fakoched? Well, it doesn't take much. But that is not the point of this story.
I had just realized with a delicate "Ping!" that when I claim that I am too worried to daven, that is an oxymoron. It's like going to psychiatrist and saying, "Look, I'm really too stressed to talk about it," then proceeding to sit there for the rest of the paid-for hour wringing hands and chewing lips.
If that metaphor is insufficient, consider as though one is seated by a restaurant, proffered a menu, and then announces, "I'm too hungry to order." The chef is in the building, ready and waiting, but not availed of.
To add busha in the mix, I have heard this idea previously. I am quite the fan of Chevi Garfinkel (available on torahanytime), and one of her specialties is kavanah. I thought I had heard her. But I hadn't yet transcribed her words onto my brain and soul.
I am at the point of conceiving the Divine that if I have something what I could consider "bad" in my life, to the Heavenly Court it is something necessary. I want to quietly accept, not feverishly demand (although for others, I politely request). When I daven, I try to ask for the mental acuity to deal with the situation.
But not when I'm really fakoched. When I'm really fakoched, I procrastinate with davening until I no longer have the time or space for it, insisting I'm just not "there." Yet the irony is that I will overcome my fakoched state by speaking with my Bashefer.
OK, Doc, here goes . . .