"Mammelah, and it should be, this year, that . . . "
I distance the phone from my ear. Please no please no please no.
With every Rosh HaShanah, there are enough people who say, "This year you should find your zivug!" And yet, here we are, a year later, and don't we all look stupid.
With every Rosh HaShanah, there are enough people who say, "This year you should find your zivug!" And yet, here we are, a year later, and don't we all look stupid.
But she surprises me.
She pauses, reconsidering.
She pauses, reconsidering.
"You know what, mammelah? All that really matters is that we have our health."
I relax. Thank you thank you thank you.
I relax. Thank you thank you thank you.
And I happen to agree with her.
If we have our health, all is well. We should treasure it and guard it and thank God for it. Every single day.
22 comments:
I never comment on shidduch posts normally, but hey I'm the first one to say, a good year for health and wealth and shidduchim and anything else one needs. So ya I wouldnt say it out of pity. But because I honestly want the other person to be happy. Even if that person is me.
And I also believe in the power of blessings.
But when one has been hearing the same "blessing" for the past five years, and never about health but rather marriage, in my case, it gets old.
I'm perplexed as to why you feel good health is sufficient. Isn't happiness the thing we all strive for? Mere existence is no life at all.
I'm not saying that a shidduch is the only thing that can make one happy, but you do need something to make you happy whatever it may be.
Happiness, according to the opinion of the happiest people in the world (the Danish) is contentment with what one has. Which Pirkei Avos (is it Pirkei Avos?) says, "Who is wealthy? He who is happy with his lot."
When one's health comes into question, everything else in their life that could provide happiness goes out the window.
I find in these times, perspective is lacking. We live in a time with abundant food, comfortable living arrangements, outlet stores, cars, etc, which was not available sixty years ago. I prefer to thank God for what I have, instead of begging for what I have yet to receive.
The funny thing is, with everything MORE available than it was 60 years ago, people are LESS happy. The rabbi where I was for yom kippur spoke about this.
He mentioned a certain town in Italy where the people lived long. They did a study to find out why, and they noticed that in that town there was a strong sense of family and community. People were very outgoing and friendly.
The rabbi connected it to Shabbos, in which we too have a sense of community.
While that is irrelevant here, yes you can be happy with what you have and still ask for stuff that you need. Just because you are happy doesnt mean nothing is missing.
But, if one believes that something is missing, that already decreases from happiness. Happiness is "Everything is great!" not "Everything is great but . . ."
So you're gonna tell me that as a single nothing is 'missing'? So if someone suggested a shidduch you would say thanks but I have everything I need? Yup. That will work. So you can live your whole life single because you don't 'need' a spouse.
Sigh. That is not how I meant it. If an opportunity for further happiness comes my way, then I would obviously take it. I'm sure the Danish would too. But will I sob into my siddur or run after shadchanim (done that) or seek brachos or tolerate being pitied? No, because the Eibishter will provide me with what I require in the proper time.
Sobbing into a siddur for health is warranted. But for me, to get frantic because I am "a certain age" and single is not reason enough to be made into a nebach case.
I agree with that completely. But then how is crying over health warranted? You can say the same thing. I am happy with what I have. If G-d gave me poor health than I should be happy with that too.
I am not saying to turn into a nebach case cuz you are not married. It should never be a stigma that you are older and not married. In the right time, G-d willing. But I also don't see why it's an issue when people bring it up. So people are insensitive. Brush it off.
My current theory is that in order to guarantee the continuity of our people, God has set up the world that we marry. I don't believe in any crisis. Just it won't happen the same time as everyone else.
Health is a basic necessity, I'll reiterate, then when one doesn't have it the rest of life ceases to matter. Being single is not a basic necessity, and if my theory is correct it will come eventually, meaning life without a spouse can still be fulfilling and meaningful and non-worrisome.
If other people are insensitive and happily try to boil down my entire existence to "She's single" in an obvious attempt to build up themselves, it does get to me. Perhaps I shouldn't be so sensitive, but I don't have such an easy time brushing it off. It gets to me. I try hard not to hurt others, and it hurts me when others don't make that same effort.
Okay. We are speaking strictly of shidduchim cuz that seems to be your vice. But what if this was something else? What if those yentes said, oy mamale you lost weight? You gained weight? You are not blond? You dont have a job? Sigh. Oy mamale what will become of you?
'They', whoever they are, will find anything to pick on. G-d willing you will be married and they will find something else to talk about. Maybe they will wonder how come you didnt get pregnant on the wedding night.
People who like to talk will do it regardless if you are in the picture or not. So maybe they chose you. But it's not really about you. And it's not really about shidduchim.
I am well aware of that - it is simply a convenient excuse for "shmearmach mit pitta," as my Zaidy would say.
I don't appreciate it either when someone yells across the room that I lost weight (and I didn't).
"Not blonde"? That's happened to you?
But even so, no one likes being the butt of someone's pity, invented or otherwise.
No, I brought it as an example. And my hair's not straight either. Who cares.
So get married :) That'll give them something to gossip about.
Ah, but if everything goes as it's "supposed" to, then they don't talk about you anymore. One is only gossip fodder if one is a nebach.
Lol. Then wouldn't that be the ultimate payback, to take the wind out of their sails?
After all is said and done, I don't think you are a nebach :) Hope you have a nice sukkos, free of yentes and all.
I agree that health is a necessary condition for happiness. My contention was that it isn't a sufficient condition.
Also, I beg to differ that happiness is 'everything is great and not everything is great but..' Nobody has everything and we all recognize what we lack. Happiness is putting it all in perspective and saying that although I don't have this at the moment I won't give it such import that it will get in the way of my being content.
GuyinLA - You phrased it better - "I won't give it such import that it will get in the way of my being content." That's it in a nutshell.
We have to focus on the blessings we have, and if we don't have something that we would like, it shouldn't mean our lives suck.
google Reb Zev Leff, Shidduchim, Don't Despair. Great shiur, addresses some of the stuff you are all talking about
I love Rabbi Leff! Will do, thanks!
I remember my year in Israel, going to a certain big important Rav to get the amorphous 'bracha' and he took one look at me and my friends said, 'hatzlacha in shidduchim.' I was really mad (especially since I got married at 27, which is all fine and dandy but the seven years of dating didn't feel all that lucky to me) because why is this the only thing that matters? There are plenty of other things I might want a blessing for, like inspiration and success and happiness. Hmph!
Exactly! The assumption that a female will want only one thing - I got a bracha a few years back that I'll be married in two months. They should come with a satisfaction guarantee.
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