Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Hi, Handsome

"What really matters to me," she said, "is if the guy is good looking." 

"Huh?" my head snapped around.  

"Definitely!" another female chimed in. "It's, like, 97 percent." 

"Huh?" I repeated. 

"Well, you said yourself that the last date was chinless and big-eared." 

"And his eyes were too close set. But, as I said before, I really don't care about looks. I didn't hold that against him. Just because I don't take looks into account doesn't mean I'm not aware of them." 

The two snort in disbelief. 

It would seem, gentlemen, that the cheese stands alone. While you insist you want pretty, well boys, so do the girls. Your personality? Your charm? Your witty rejoinders? Useless in the face of . . . your face. 

You've got to up your game now, men.
Justin Theroux
Get some contacts; girls like to see big, expressive eyes. 

I would not advocate an eating disorder, exactly, but enough frum girls are driven to it that maybe the males should experiment with starvation from time to time (although I've never understood the supposed correlation of thinness with facial beauty . . .) 

Bench pressing something would be nice. 

Be well groomed. Not in a metrosexual way, I personally find that kinda sissy, but trim hair accordingly, side parts are flattering, and shave instead of maintaining three-day-scruff. Check out the ol' nose hair while you're at it. 

Wear SPF daily. It's the best way to prevent wrinkles and unsightly discoloration.

Go shopping. The nattier the suit, the better; you'd be amazed how many things a good wardrobe can compensate for. Use the tips we talked about. You want to make the girl plotz, don't you? 

Chop chop, boys! I've got you penciled in at the dermatologist. Your skin has to glow on the next date. She's expecting it. 

(Disclaimer: This post was meant for humorous and sarcastic purposes only. Should not be read if lacking funny bone. If, while reading, feelings of self-righteous indignation arise, please seek comedic help immediately.) 


Anonymous said...

OMG TOTALLY AGREED! I know some boys who are mamash not good looking by nature but when they take care of themselves properly, dress well, trim their hair and take care of their general appearance, the change is dramatic. You see a handsome man in front of you!
If a guy takes care of himself, he will always be cute :-)
Take it from us girls...

FrumGeek said...

Oy! There are really girls that shallow? I though you folks were wiser than us men! Sure, you should be attracted, but attraction can grow, and as you get to know someone, you can find attractive things about them. Besides, looks fade, doncha know?

Princess Lea said...

LL: For both boys and girls, it is amazing what a LITTLE effort can do!

FG: You didn't read my disclaimer!

Girls are made to feel often enough as though we are mares for sale, what with photo requests and demands of prettiness. I just wanted to give a men a peek of what that's like.

Sefardi Gal said...

21st century styled glasses, a well fitted suit, a nice shirt (with cufflinks), smooth colored tie with subtle print, and classy shoes can make all of the difference. :D

SiBaW said...

Every joke has a bit of truth in it... :-P

Don't worry, there are girls out there who are equally as vain as their male counterparts.

Princess Lea said...

SG: Wardrobe is everything!

SiBaW: That's what give jokes their edge: that hint of truth.

Although the beginning conversation did take place, verbatim.

FrumGeek said...

The thing is, if wardrobe really is the issue, trust me, that's the one thing about your spouse you CAN change. I've seen it. Everyone wants to look good for their spouse. Some people are just clueless about what clothes and whatnot others find attractive. If clothes and glasses are the only issue, just marry him. Then buy him new clothes and glasses :P

Princess Lea said...

FG: I've already said that. A girl I know was dating a shlump, and she said, "I can buy him a shirt!" It is up to us to look deeper, whether it be looks or clothing.

Adam, now in Boston said...

All joking aside, I sense the need for a personal grooming post for men.

Princess Lea said...

Really? You mean like my "Dressing for Men" segment?

The men in my family have been dressed by females. I don't expect miracles, just some effort.

Adam in Boston said...

Yes. Why not?

Oh, so you women are to blame for all the white shirts...

Princess Lea said...

Did I advocate white shirts anywhere? Strictly for Shabbos and occassions. Otherwise, I am a fan of blue-based patterns. Very soothing to the eye.

FrumGeek said...

Personally, I prefer to wear purple shirts. Blue is nice, but purple stands out (though not too much).

Princess Lea said...

Blue is also easier to match than purple. Pretty much any color tie (except for black) blends beautifully with a blue or blue-patterned shirt.

While purple is regal in color, it does have its limitations. And the tie should be doing the standing out, not the shirt.