Tuesday, June 11, 2013

A Fork in the Road

I cannot speak on this from a personal perspective, but I still would like to mention this article, "Avoiding Cold Feet Down the Aisle.

Pre-wedding jitters, those supposedly invalid concerns that can grip an almost-wed—in many cases, they can be merely temporary, illogically felt. But as a study has shown, when asked, a number of divorced women admitted that they knew they should not have married their ex when they did (while most divorced couples did not have such thoughts, only that having cold feet "increased the odds," whatever that means). 
The example they bring was the typical sloppy, unreliable momma's boy who was obviously not good enough for the woman in question, but she hungered for children

"Going with one's gut" is not something I really understand, since I tend to analyze situations with a logical eye, racking up pros and cons; I go with my gut when it comes to dinner. But I really should become more aware of that other "gut," allowing it to have a say, weighing its intuitions on certain matters. 
Two other elements that blur the decision are internal, less conscious, and can work against one another.
Both are types of idealization. In a series of studies . . . that new lovers have a strong tendency to idealize their partner, in the way that Ms. Huck did: Her friends are kind of sweet, when sober. He gets depressed mostly because he’s so sensitive.
Doubts don’t evaporate; they’re suppressed, only to return later.
The other is an expectation many have, of exquisite happiness. “People feel that they have to find the ideal, perfect Mr. or Ms. Right, who is their soul mate, with whom they will feel passionate love forever, and who will make them happy forever,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky . . .
She added: “Of course, both research and anecdotal evidence shows that this is not what typically occurs” and this type of person can easily become disappointed.
Doubts bring to light actual problems, whereas a desire for "happily ever after" can destroy a perfectly viable relationship. 

I was thinking of this article as I came across this letter-writer. A girl was willing to marry an ill-mannered golddigger, all because she believes that no one else will want her because of a broken engagement, her "elderly" age, and her weight. 

What she fails to understand is that she ruining her own future because of her lack of self-esteem. I have known of people with much worse obstacles and have danced off into the sunset with the spouse of their dreams, but they didn't see themselves as worthless.

She chooses not to value herself: That is the root of the matter. Not surprisingly, such a bad decision would end in an inevitable, disastrous divorce.        

Her problem is that she thinks she has no choice. But we all have a choice. To choose to believe in ourselves. Then to choose well in whom we want to spend the rest of our lives with.   


MIghty Garnel Ironheart said...

The problem is romance.
Marriage is not about romance. Marriage is about starting a partnership in which the main business is raising the next generation.
But people want romance and romance is selfish. "I" want to like the person. "I" want to feel good about things. "I" want this feeling to last forever.
As dull as it sounds, sitting down to discuss marriage is like sitting down with a prospective business partner. You discuss goals, ideals, values and how they'll play out over the years. Then you decide.
(Probably why I don't get invited to lots of vorts)

The Beckster said...

Smart girl, you. It seems like you have a great grip on reality. Have you ever considered ditching your day job and instead becoming a dating coach?

Princess Lea said...

MGI: These ladies weren't even claiming romance. They were just going for any guy with a pulse.

Beck: Who'd take me seriously? "Single 27-year-old offers services as dating coach." :D

FrumGeek said...

Well you probably have more experience dating than a lot of these 'dating coaches' who got married to the third guy they sent out with.

Princess Lea said...

FG: True! OK, the dating coach is in the house!