Thursday, September 12, 2013

Battle of the Bulge: Skinny B**** Syndrome

As I may have (repeatedly) mentioned beforehand, I have never been one of those amazing beings who can eat whatever they like yet remain waif-like. I have always had to carefully (very, very, carefully) consider whatever I consume, because it would end up manifesting on my belly area (i.e. "Her stomach precedes her.") 

Despite my not even being remotely see-through, I am starting to get snarky comments about my supposed superpower of spontaneous slenderness. 

"If I was as skinny as you," the crossing guard sighs, "I would be having bagels and cream cheese every day." 

"I can't have bagels or cream cheese ever!" I protest, but she smiles in that way when someone decides to let you off the hook knowing you are lying through your teeth. 

"For someone like you who is naturally skinny—" he says snidely, but I'm looking over my shoulder. Who?

"I'm just going to look for now," I explain to a woman next to me by a magnificent spread, after she harasses me for not heedlessly digging in. "Wait a sec," she replies in shock, "You watch yourself? I thought that . . ." 
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6OX4NKdRHv8/URsI_TGQvvI/AAAAAAAAA1I/EGLjRP7fi38/s400/84bafd36b6919bb281ceda2fefb251dc.jpg
It is very nice to know that my supreme efforts of self-control are paying off. But I appear to be discriminated against as being one of "those." You know, "those." 

In college I had a classmate, a woman who tried desperately to gain weight. She morosely licked a vending machine ice cream pop, praying some of that fat would actually stick. She was not a b****. She was funny, natural, and a great person to take Creative Writing 101 with. 

I am not sure if "those" exist, except in our insecure minds. If someone has that magical metabolism that burns off insane quantities of calories without effort, I can assure you she is not doing it intentionally to irritate you; she's got other things on her mind. 

As for me? I'm standing here, to the side, during a shul kiddush so the kakaós can't seduce me. Believe me, I would really, really like to have some, but I have a wedding next week and my suit is not accommodating.

http://www.theliberaloc.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Keep-Calm-and-Let-Them-Eat-Cake.png  

9 comments:

FrumGeek said...

I know what you mean. People assume I'm naturally skinny as well.I'm not (and I have the pictures of me in hs to prove it). It takes hard work for some of us to get a certain way and maintain it. Funny though, I did know a girl once who was really insecure with how thin she was and was always eating like a pig, trying desperately to gain weight but to no avail. I also know a guy while in hs who tried to gain weight because, and I quote "fat people are funny". He never managaged it in hs,but several years later when his metabolism slowed, he was able to pull it off. Still wasn't funny though :P

lurker said...

this is random and off-topic but I've been wondering for a while...do PL and FG know each other in real life?
gmar tov to all

FrumGeek said...

Lol! No, but I'd love to meet her! (We do talk through email on occasion though. At times she feels like the older sister I never had :P )

Princess Lea said...

FG: "Fat people are funny?" John Candy had a heart attack in his sleep. Hysterical.

We, the weight monitors, shall always have this burden. Siiiiigh.

lurker: No, not in real life, but we have the shared bond of Hungarian blood.

The little bro I never had!

wellspring said...

I used to be one of the naturally skinny kind. One pregnancy was all it took to change that. I never got back to my original weight. And now that I am not skinny anymore I find that not being overweight is enought to me. Being slim is nice - as long as I can eat whatever I want...luckily I can't overeat beacausse my stomach will not handle that, but I refuse to give up cake or cookies!

Princess Lea said...

I can't go cold turkey on cake, so I have worked out a feasible plan.

a) My mother's whole-wheat, evaporated cane juice, partial apple sauce cake, which

b) I have only on Shabbos. Hummina hummina.

Store-bought is SO much worse. As long as one sticks to homemade and margarine-free . . .

FrumGeek said...

Same here, only my mothers cake (and my grandmother's cookies bc she gets so offended if I don't) and only on Shabbos/yom tov

lurker said...

Evaporated cane juice? Isn't that just another name for plain old sugar?

Princess Lea said...

FG: I need my sugar! Just I can't have it every day.

lurker: No, my sweet. Regular sugar has been bleached, meaning it has no nutritional value whatsoever. Raw sugar, like evaporated cane juice, has some minerals and vitamins. But it is still sugar, so I only have it on Shabbos.