Liz Tuccillo in He's Just Not That Into You:
. . . I'm just going to come right out with it: There aren't that many good men around. Statistics prove it, articles and books have been written to verify it, and women would be happy to testify under oath about it. There are more good women out there than good men. Oh, wait, there's this one as well: A lot of men want to date much younger women, so as you get older, there are even fewer men that want to date you.
Behold, ladies, the very same arguments for the "shidduch crisis" (urgle) that I've heard before.
Liz continues that this is why many fabulous women (such as herself) lower their expectations. Considerably. But then she says it is because they hate being alone.
I am deeply pragmatic, so given the sheer statistics, I don't have a clue what to say. I know we have to love ourselves and think we deserve happiness and be optimistic. I also think it sucks to be single. Greg, are you telling us that we we should just stay single and picky and not settle (and thus not settle down) until we have met the person we think is the one?
Do you see how her argument changes? First, it is that it is near impossible to find a decent being with a Y chromosome, but next she says that settling comes from hating loneliness. To me, that sounds like two separate arguments.
What if this whole "shidduch crisis" hooey is just a front for the scary emotions we don't want to face: We cannot bear our own company.
Being single, especially in the frum world, does suck. We base our whole religion on the sanctity of the home. Maintaining shalom bayis is a major thing. It has been wired into our DNA beyond the biological need to reproduce that spiritual fulfillment lies in marriage. Plus, it sucks to be alone. God said so, right after He created Adam.
Greg Behrendt responds:
Statistics are bleak . . . You can't do anything with these statistics except scare yourself and you girlfriends. So I say, "**** statistics." It's your life - how dare you not have faith in it! . . . I believe life will turn out well. More fervently, I believe that you have no other choice than to believe that. I am writing this book, and women will be reading it, because we are all tired of operating from a place of fear.
Fear. What single hasn't had that terrifying vision of a cat-filled future? When you come home, defeated, from yet another date (after being dateless for months), wondering when you can finally get off the farshtinkener merry-go-round? When everyone around you (what "shidduch crisis"?!) pair off casually.
Someone has to be blamed. We are used to blaming someone. We don't want to blame ourselves, though. So we say "shidduch crisis." We say "statistics." We say empty terms that clash with our religion. Or we aren't honest enough to say, "I hate being alone. I'm scared of my future. I'm frightened that there is something wrong with me. And I just don't want to wait anymore."
You know what "statistics" also say about a tiny nation the size of New Jersey surrounded by murderous superpowers? Don't quote "statistics" to me!
Because what is the point of being a frum Jew, if I need lessons in emunah from a stand-up comedian?