To Thine Own Princess Be True

"First I'm going to be a princess," she says haltingly in not-yet-three speech. "Then I'm going to be a mommy. Then I'm going to be a grandma." 

Then she adds for good measure, "Mommies wear snoods." 

A conclusion I made for myself recently is that personal identity cannot be based on something outside of oneself, or defined by others. Say, being a mommy; while yes, being a mommy is something one is, it is not one's identity. It is a role I aspire to achieve, but it is that: a role. It should not be, however, my identity.

Nor is my identity based on a spouse. Nor is it on my siblings, or on my parents. Hallmark cards sing praises to the mother, wife, sister, daughter. Yes, women can be all these things. Yet that is based on the external, on other people. 

Nor can one's identity be their career. Doctor, lawyer, real estate agent. I remember an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond"; after thinking for years that his father had retired, his mother tells Ray that he was fired. Ray can't understand why Frank didn't tell the truth. Once, Marie says, men had their jobs and that's who they were. Being fired meant a lot more than just an end to a paycheck; it lead to an identity crisis.

Loving your job doesn't make it who you are. Identity has come from within.

What is my identity? Then things get complicated; it does not seem to be easily quantified. It is my beliefs. It is my personality. It is my ideals. Some may remain steadfast as time passes; others may change.

When my niece says she will first be a princess, I suppose that is the closest one will get to a personal identity. She isn't mentioning Prince Charming, which is all well and good. 

A princess, in updated Disney fare, is the master of her fate, who can wield swords and save the day (Star Wars was quite revolutionary). Frankly I doubt I would ever strenuate myself that far, but I like to imagine myself in chainmail. 

With sufficient eye shadow, of course. 

My New Guru

Rabbi Yaakov Ariel, I apologize for not knowing about you sooner. 

Rabbi Yaakov Ariel, the Chief Rabbi of Ramat Gan, has denounced the practice of going to Kabbalist rabbis (Mekubalim) for a special blessing in times of trouble.
 

Instead, Jews should pray to G-d for assistance, he said.
 

Rabbi Ariel gave his opinion in response to a question on the Yeshiva web site. A reader asked, “We are married for seven years without children. We went to a certain rabbi to get a blessing for a child.
 

“Before we went in to the rabbi, we had to sign a form obligating us to pay a certain amount if we get pregnant, and another sum if there is a birth. And to invite the rabbi to be the sandak ["godfather"] at the brit milah [circumcision].
 

“The rabbi saw us for five minutes and said, ‘Bracha v’hatzlacha’ [‘Blessings and success’]. My husband and I got a very bad feeling from it. What does the rabbi [Rabbi Ariel] think of this?”
 

Rabbi Ariel answered that experts in halakha (Jewish law) oppose the practice of going to rabbis or “kabbalists” for a blessing. “There are some hidden spiritual giants who, through their righteousness, can give blessing,” he said. “But there are few of them, and their identities are not known.”
 

He urged those in need of blessing to pray to G-d directly, “without an agent.” Those seeking aid can visit the Kotel (Western Wall) or the Tomb of the Patriarchs in Hevron, he added.
 

Rabbi Ariel told the questioner that the commitment she and her husband were required to give may not be valid. 

So Call Me. Maybe.

If I know someone is supposed to call me, then I am not like my more-at-ease fellow females, who can do whatever they were doing anyway, with an ear vaguely pointed in the direction of the ringer. 

I simply look at the phone. 

I can't concentrate on doing something else. And we all know that when I finally decide it is safe to go to the bathroom, then the phone will ring. 

So when the shadchan asked when he should call, and I said tonight, I brushed my teeth and applied my nighttime face ritual well beforehand. Then, with the television ineffectually attempting to distract me, I waited. 

And waited. 

And waited some more. 

And got angrier as time passed. 

At the stroke of 10, I buried the landline (should have given the cell number, idiot) beneath a pile of pillows and blankets, but was still tense as I crawled into bed, worried a blaring ring would wake me up. 

Be understanding, I thought. Who knows what could have happened? My imagination kicked into overdrive with all sorts of far-flung possibilities, like him getting accidentally shot by a tranquilizer gun by wildlife researchers, waking up fuzzy-brained in a cage with a dart in his neck. 

Then I swing back to mad. I don't even want to go out with him, I fumed, and this is the aggravation I'm getting. 

He calls the next night, all politeness; he got out from work late. Really late.

Oh. Well, I suppose that's not unreasonable.

After the date he says he'll call me that night. I watch the phone again. 

He calls back on the same two-day time delay. 

Bite me.    

Twelfth Night

"Oh, I'm not like a typical girl," I would say hurriedly. "I think I think more like a man, y'know? More rational." 

I used to make the mistake believing that rationality was the province of males, but then one day I realized: Hold the phone, I don't know any rational men. 

I ticked thoroughly through the list of the dudes in my life, family, friends, business associates, dates, the UPS guy—I couldn't come up with one who was solely controlled by his brain, as opposed to his emotions. So much for that. Rationality is not a quality specific to men; it is merely a quality, equally present in men or women. 

Viola and Sebastian

Not to say I am emotionally devoid, like Data; nay, I am more like Spock, schooling my rationality to master my passionate emotions. Go Vulcans!  

I'm still working on my Spock eyebrow.

Men and women, as Jews believe, are equal, but not the same. Even in the Gemara, men are supposed to celebrate holidays with meat and fish, whereas women are given free reign to purchase new finery. Men and women derive joy from different avenues, so sayeth our ancient texts (nothing much has changed in 2,000+ years).

Unfortunately, the continuing belief in “categorical differences” — men are aggressive, women are caring — reinforces traditional stereotypes by treating certain behaviors as immutable. And, it turns out, this belief is based on a scientifically indefensible model of human behavior.  

As Bobbi Carothers and Harry Reis report, while of course men and women are different, they are not stereotypically so. Additionally, every time a man and woman (a couple) disagree, the actual issues end up being ignored as soon as accusations of gender-specific behavior are flung about. Meaning, problems cannot be addressed as engrained gender-specific qualities, which in turn are "impossible" to change, being biological in nature, a fact of life as opposed to a choice. 

The Mars/Venus view describes a world that does not exist, at least here on earth. Our work shows that sex does not define qualitatively distinct categories of psychological characteristics. We need to look at individuals as individuals. 

It does us a disservice to focus strictly on the "typical" gender personality traits, as that mindset restricts the possibility of overcoming negative qualities.  

Ergo, if I am rational (I like to think I am, but then again, how honest can one be with oneself?) then I must be so without throwing the entirety of femalekind under the bus, nor simultaneously placing all of mankind on an undeserved pedestal of logical thought. 

You guys can get just as emotional, if not more, than girls (quite a few dates have indulged in hysterics, just saying).   

Take Off the Eyes

It is of vast importance to remove makeup every night. When it comes to eye makeup, I can't use my other soapy cleansers since they would sting my eyes, plus I want to be careful about rubbing and tugging the skin there. 

One recommendation I heard a long time ago is to use baby shampoo. Lathering up a little between fingers with some water, and gently rub with the fingertips with as little friction as possible. Usually that takes everything off. 

I use the baby shampoo when it's late and I just want to get to bed; it's the quickest way and doesn't need much coordination when I am tispsy with exhaustion. The rest of the time, I use an eye makeup remover with a cotton round.

Out of all the many eye makeup removers I have tried, I like Derma E All Natural Eyebright Makeup Remover the best. It doesn't remotely sting, even less than baby shampoo, yet it effortlessly swipes everything off, better than many other removers I have tried.

Every other brand I have purchased, and I mean every other one, tzipped my eyes, so I would end up rubbing the eye area more than I would have liked with water to get the sting out, and I do not like to rub my eyes so the skin will stay youthfully tight.

I have bought multiple bottles of this in one go, I love it so much, and I am the sort of cosmetics shopper who always thinks there is something better out there to try. Meaning, if I have repurchased it, it is a keeper. 

It is sold out from time to time on Vitacost. The people must like it.  

A Fork in the Road

I cannot speak on this from a personal perspective, but I still would like to mention this article, "Avoiding Cold Feet Down the Aisle." 

Pre-wedding jitters, those supposedly invalid concerns that can grip an almost-wed—in many cases, they can be merely temporary, illogically felt. But as a study has shown, when asked, a number of divorced women admitted that they knew they should not have married their ex when they did (while most divorced couples did not have such thoughts, only that having cold feet "increased the odds," whatever that means). 

The example they bring was the typical sloppy, unreliable momma's boy who was obviously not good enough for the woman in question, but she hungered for children. 

"Going with one's gut" is not something I really understand, since I tend to analyze situations with a logical eye, racking up pros and cons; I go with my gut when it comes to dinner. But I really should become more aware of that other "gut," allowing it to have a say, weighing its intuitions on certain matters. 

Two other elements that blur the decision are internal, less conscious, and can work against one another.

Both are types of idealization. In a series of studies . . . that new lovers have a strong tendency to idealize their partner, in the way that Ms. Huck did: Her friends are kind of sweet, when sober. He gets depressed mostly because he’s so sensitive.

Doubts don’t evaporate; they’re suppressed, only to return later.

The other is an expectation many have, of exquisite happiness. “People feel that they have to find the ideal, perfect Mr. or Ms. Right, who is their soul mate, with whom they will feel passionate love forever, and who will make them happy forever,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky . . .

She added: “Of course, both research and anecdotal evidence shows that this is not what typically occurs” and this type of person can easily become disappointed.

Doubts bring to light actual problems, whereas a desire for "happily ever after" can destroy a perfectly viable relationship. 

I was thinking of this article as I came across this letter-writer. A girl was willing to marry an ill-mannered golddigger, all because she believes that no one else will want her because of a broken engagement, her "elderly" age, and her weight. 

What she fails to understand is that she ruining her own future because of her lack of self-esteem. I have known of people with much worse obstacles and have danced off into the sunset with the spouse of their dreams, but they didn't see themselves as worthless.

She chooses not to value herself: That is the root of the matter. Not surprisingly, such a bad decision would end in an inevitable, disastrous divorce.        

Her problem is that she thinks she has no choice. But we all have a choice. To choose to believe in ourselves. Then to choose well in whom we want to spend the rest of our lives with.   

PINK Lips, Again

I haven't been as adamant as I would like about the importance of pink-hued lipcolor. 

Oh boy.

To yammer about it merely once, two years ago? For shame, Frumanista!

Kaley Cuoco's above mistake was that the plum/bark color really does not compliment her pale, cool-toned skin. It clashes, her visual age now much older than her 27 years.

As opposed to these other looks, where she looks young and fresh.

Although I am not crazy about that middle part.

Much better.

More yellow-based, Mediterranean skin tones can wear practically anything (including the offensive shade from the top) but they really pop in pink. For instance, a middle-aged cousin with dark skin always wore deep purple/brown lipstick, much to Bábi's distaste. For her granddaughter's wedding, the makeup artist applied a lovely rose shade that was so much more appealing. Her wrinkles just ceased to exist. 

Additionally, I think thinner-lipped gals are doing themselves a disservice by donning colorless gloss, believing that it will make their lips look fuller. It is Mariah Carey's constant misstep; all it accomplishes is that her lips magically disappear. 

 

Pink lips suit everyone, every lip size, shape, and skin tone. I regularly prefer matte shades for their longevity, and for the fact that since they are lacking dramatic sparkle, I can up the pigment power. However, some technique and patience is needed when applying, but that's another post.

My current faves (keep in mind the photos may not reflect the hues accurately, as my snapping skills somewhat suck, and kindly no comments about painting in the lines. These were rush jobs): 

Nars Pure Matte in "Carthage": I have already reviewed it to Carthage's benefit; it provides whatever amount of color I want, a soft flush of pleasing pigment, or a strong, vibrant lacquer. It has a cult following, since it had been sold out for months on Sephora, and I couldn't even get it on Amazon.

Nars Pure Matte Carthage

I have come across quite few frum ladies rockin' this shade, especially on Shabbos, as matte lipsticks have real staying power. 

Illamasqua in "Corrupt": I have mentioned it before, and probably will again. I adore Illamasqua for their variety of richly pigmented, truly matte cosmetics, and I own more than one of their lipsticks. 

Illamasqua Corrupt

Illamasqua in "Immodest": I was ridiculously in love with this new shade, which is such an appropriate . . . young shade, bright and light. The best way to describe it is . . . well, it's just fun. However, as opposed to other Illamasqua lipsticks, it is a royal pain to apply; the formulation must be off. I decided to return it, but left the photo here for some further pink inspiration. 

Illamasqua Immodest

Illamasqua in "Scandal": I got a lot of compliments for this one at a cousin's wedding. I had thought I was being toned-down, yet it was described as "overboard, but in a good way." It is defined as a "warm pink"; there is definitely orange in there, as opposed to "Corrupt," which is more blue-based.    

Illamasqua Scandal

Smashbox Be Legendary in "Electric Pink Matte": It's not quite electric pink, more of a blend of pink and coral, which I consider to be quintessentially spring-y and fresh. I feel so classy and chic in it. While matte, it has more of a satin finish, gliding on the lips with ease (meaning no technique necessary).

Smashbox Be Legendary Electric Pink Matte

Maybelline Superstay 14 Hour in "Perpetual Peony": For a 60s pale pink with lavender undertones. I use this as a top-most layer above a brighter long-wearing pink, and the two together blend into the constant compliment magnet, which lasts over Shabbos with many layers, blotting in between.

Maybelline Superstay 14 Hour Perpetual Peony

Maybelline Superstay 14 Hour in "Eternal Rose": It's darker and much more dramatic than "Perpetual Peony." I like this dark rose shade more for fall and winter.

Maybelline Superstay 14 Hour Eternal Rose

Please, get a pink lipstick! You won't regret it.       

Battle of the Bulge: Lullaby and Good Night

Quite simply, if one sleeps less, one eats more, and not the good stuff. So go to bed instead of going to the gym.

Boy, Am I Thick

Has anyone else had that moment when ceasing a certain standard practice suddenly opens the gates of promise?

I have just recently discovered that I can really stave off hair oiliness by using a nourishing shampoo (I like Desert Essence Coconut Shampoo and J.R. Liggett's Old-Fashioned Bar Shampoo), then NOT condition the roots AT ALL, only the ends of the hair. 

It makes a ridiculous difference in keeping my hair light and shining, for much longer. Since I shampoo only twice a week, my hair just doesn't get oily. Oh, hoist by my own deep treatment! 

Then quite by accident I discovered that if I don't comb after toweling my hair, then not blow-dry it at all: beach hair results.

After fifteen years I find this out!?!    

Beyond the Dream

Americans are encouraged to dream, secure in the knowledge that with hard work and ingenuity, dreams can come true. 

What to do when they don't? 

Camille Sweeney and Josh Gosfield, in their article "Secret Ingredient for Success," successfully argue that a dream paired with hard work is not always enough. One may have to go back to the beginning and realize that the dream has to be modified. 

We are powered by basics; our higher thinking and behavior relies on those fundamentals in order to function. Major change in my life has come about when I realize that a tenet of thought was actually flawed, and by removing it I can now progress further. 

In simple terms, let us say someone believes that true fashion ended in the 80s. One would walk about with high padded shoulders, leg warmers, and parachute pants, refusing to acknowledge that there are other options out there to really look one's best. 

During the 1970s, Chris Argyris, a business theorist at Harvard Business School (and now, at 89, a professor emeritus) began to research what happens to organizations and people . . . when they find obstacles in their paths.

Professor Argyris called the most common response single loop learning — an insular mental process in which we consider possible external or technical reasons for obstacles.

For those who meet true success, it was after tearing up their misconceptions and starting from scratch, as it was in the case of David Chang, a chef who wanted to open a simple noodle bar, which he finally did, but it was devoid of customers. He realized that a simple noodle bar would never take off, and leaving the simple noodle bar dream behind as he applied creativity and diversity to his menu. 

He has since shot off into fame and fortune. 

In interviews we did with high achievers for a book, we expected to hear that talent, persistence, dedication and luck played crucial roles in their success. Surprisingly, however, self-awareness played an equally strong role. 

The successful people we spoke with — in business, entertainment, sports and the arts — all had similar responses when faced with obstacles: they subjected themselves to fairly merciless self-examination that prompted reinvention of their goals and the methods by which they endeavored to achieve them. 

Nothing is wrong with having a dream and a plan. But who is to say that that dream can't undergo a little remodeling in order to truly happen?