Thursday, November 24, 2011

Online and Lying

My one experience with online dating was when I received an email that someone I know (who's name was left anonymous) thinks this guy could be for me, and to find out who I have to join Saw You At Sinai.

I wasn't sure, but under parental pressure ended up joining. I listed myself as "Modern Yeshivish," despite the inaccuracy of the label, but it was the only option that vaguely described me.  

A suggestion pops up. His photo was taken with a unsophisticated camera phone, leaving him blurry and indistinct. One thing was for sure, however, he was not "lean" as he had listed. (His Facebook page backed that up). 

He listed his employment as "lawyer," but when I went on Martindale-Hubble there was no record with anyone of that name.  

His Modern Yeshivish was vastly different from my Modern Yeshivish. 

I said, "No, thank you," and changed my status to "Inactive." I am not cut out for internet dating.  

His stretching of the truth, however, is rather common in the online dating world
Since the community has currently decided to focus on paper profiles, the same finagling and misrepresentations appear. A lot of the statistics cited sound very familiar:
Do online daters have a propensity to lie? Do we really need scientists to answer this question?
If you are curious about numbers: about 81 percent of people misrepresent their height, weight or age in their profiles . . . On the bright side: people tend to tell small lies because, after all, they may eventually meet in person.
On average, the women described themselves as 8.5 pounds thinner in their profiles than they really were. Men fibbed by 2 pounds, though they lied by a greater magnitude than women about their height, rounding up a half inch (apparently every bit counts).
As you may recall, I have previously mentioned male inhonesty in terms of height, although they were never so tame as to restrict fantasy to a mere half-inch; why be 5'8" when one can be 5'11'?
People were most honest about their age . . . probably because they can claim ignorance about weight and height.

“Daters lie to meet the expectations of what they think their audience is,” Professor Toma said. 
Having recently turned 26, I am definitely 26 if a guy 28+ is redt; if he is 26-, then my folks are taking into account the Hebrew leap year ("It was your legal birthday already, but not your Hebrew one yet . . . ").
Scholars say a certain amount of fibbing is socially acceptable — even necessary — to compete in the online dating culture. Professor Ellison’s research shows that lying is partly a result of tension between the desire to be truthful and the desire to put one’s best face forward. So profiles often describe an idealized self; one with qualities they intend to develop (i.e., “I scuba dive”) or things they once had (i.e., a job). Some daters bend the truth to fit into a wider range of search parameters; others unintentionally misrepresent their personalities because self-knowledge is imperfect.  
How many of us are so honest with themselves? How many weigh themselves regularly, how many measure themselves regularly, how many go into denial when birthdays roll around? 
The standard of embellishment can frustrate the honest. “So if I say I am 44, people think that I am 48,” said one man interviewed by Professor Ellison and colleagues in a separate study. 
Been there.
Women want men who are — wait for it — tall and wealthy . . . women prefer men who are slightly overweight, while men prefer women who are slightly underweight and who do not tower over them. These were the women who had the best chance of receiving an introductory e-mail from a man.
So even the gentiles are leery of tall females . . . I'm sorry, men, but it appears that according to statistics only a tall guy would be able to tolerate my genetics. But, I still stand by my original statement: I do not care about height (within reason).
And even though men may get away with carrying a few extra pounds, they are also burdened with the expectation of carrying a fatter wallet: The scholars found that women have a stronger preference than men do for income over physical attributes.
Exactly. So as I also pointed out, the response to a fellow who requests a picture is not for a photo in turn, but for specific details about his income ("Be a dear and fax over his bank statement. Then I'll dig out a decent photo.")
Some people indicated that they were willing to date different ethnicities, but they didn’t. “What people say they want in a mate and what qualities they actually seek don’t tend to correspond,” said Coye Cheshire . . .
Sort of like the guy who claims he wants a mature woman who has seen the world and ends up with a 19-year-old? Or the woman who weeps that it is so hard to find a nice guy, but ends up with a gorgeous jerk?  It just goes to show that there is no point in being honest, as no one is even honest when speaking "honestly."


guyinla said...

Women prefer men who are slightly overweight? Never heard that one before.

Shani said...

Agreed. But if I were you I wouldn't complain. Consider it an excuse to pig out on thanksgiving leftovers.

chanalesings said...

People change so much over the years, my husband now would be barely recognizable to me 5 years ago. Bashert is Bashert if you ask me, no matter what discrepancies brought you together in the first place!

guyinla said...

Shani- "Agreed" you never heard that before or "agreed" that you prefer slightly overweight guys?
I thought women liked guys with a it and chiseled physique.

Shani said...

I meant that I never heard it before. Slightly overweight doesn't exactly spring to mind when describing the ideal male specimen.
Not that you find many Jewish guys with "chiseled physiques" either. Guys are lucky that in practice girls are much more forgiving on looks than they are.

Princess Lea said...

You see, men? We are the more forgiving gender, kindly looking to the "inner beauty."

lawschooldrunk said...

For some reason, I am not listed on martindale-hubble, but I assure you I am a lawyer.

go figure.

Shani, if the guy acts b'tznius, you won't be able to tell that he has a "chiseled physique[.]"

And Shani, it's how Hashem created us that looks are more important to males than females. Didn't you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: On a date?

Shani said...

LSD- The assumption is that a nice Jewish boy is spending more time in the beis than at the gym. It's just a matter of different priorities.

And no, I can't say I've ever read that one. I'm more of a classics girl, but if you think I would find it enlightening perhaps its worth a look.

lawschooldrunk said...

Shani- you CAN spend "more" time in the beis medrish. That doesn't exclude spending 'some' time in the gym.

Making learning your priority doesn't have to discount a muscular (or even healthy) body. In fact, being healthy goes hand in hand with dedicating your life to Hashem through learning. People today are just too polarized to understand that concept.

Further, one need not go to a gym to gain a chiseled physique.

On the topic of books, I was half making a joke and half being serious. However, I do think there is something in the book I mentioned from which everyone can learn.

And, you know what happens when you make assumptions... ;)

Princess Lea said...

The Venus/Mars author was later debunked big time, but he made some valid points. I forget what they were.

LSD: A practicing lawyer? :D

Shani: Although, the nice Jewish boy can walk to the beis.

When it comes to makeup, girls do more, but when it comes to staying fit I think equal amounts of both genders prioritize it.

guyinla said...

More yeshivahs are now having gyms. It's a good thing for free time when there are many more less appropriate things to do nowadays during free time. Also, my original point was that, in the OP, PL made it sound like women PREFER slightly overweight guys and not just that they'll tolerate it more.

Shani said...

LSD- Your absolutely right, one should never make assumptions. I was half joking, but I guess that wasn't clear.

There definitely are guys who make an effort to stay healthy and in shape which is wonderful. But I feel it's harder for boys to make it a priority when they're already expected to do so much (college, learning, etc.). That, and there's the issue that our society doesn't place nearly as much emphasis on the importance of maintaining a healthy weight for boys as they do for girls. Not that the extreme that its been taken to with girls is healthy either, but I think it has played a role in getting a lot of girls on the treadmill which maybe isn't the worst thing.

GiL- Thank you for getting us back on track. I had completely forgotten where this had even started. Basically, I agree that the whole statement about women prefering slightly overwheight guys sounds fishy, and I guess we'll leave it at that.

Princess Lea said...

Hey, hey, it wasn't ME who said that about women preferring tubby men! It was the article! But I think the article was equating weight with looks, which is not so.

For me, being having good genetic features has nothing to do with body weight. One can be heavier and still handsome/beautiful. Or one can be skinny but still not handsome/beautiful. That's why I find it so annoying how current culture encourages eating disorders. Skinny is not necessarily pretty.

But I would agree it is more a matter of tolerance than acceptance, if that is so about women and chubby men.

guyinla said...

Technically I didn't say that you said that; you intimated that was the case by quoting that article :)

Princess Lea said...

My background takes any sort of overweightness very personally; I'm trying to prove my tolerance. But Bobby would not approve.

guyinla said...

OK OK, don't shoot me, I won't press the issue.

Princess Lea said...

The blaster is a prop. Or is it?